Today is my first, first, tomorrow is my second, first.

What a beautiful poem. You have expressed your deep love for your Sue. I also have our Wedding video. I cannot watch it, it is just too painful. There are still so many areas in our home that I can’t sort through yet. His study, his side of the wardrobe, his laptop, his collection of vinyl. I am sending strength and hugs on this difficult day. Kate. 

Lovely poem my husband used to write nice words and poems and silly little ditty’s from time to time. I miss everything about him. It was our anniversary this week I left the house with a picnic for one and before I got to the end of the road I was already crying. I did pull myself together and managed to get to where I was headed a walk and I took all the letters he had written me in the early days of our relationship and sat quietly and read some of them. Went to a church to light a candle for him but none were lit and nothing to light them with!! I wanted to do something special I was really getting worked up about the anniversary. It wasn’t special nothing is really anymore but if the two of us had been there it would have been perfect. 
The next morning I went to a bereavement meeting, I tried a different one this time having been months ago and thought I can’t do this,,so tried again I still can’t do it sitting through some videos and then a couple of people talking about there experiences makes me even sadder thinking it’s never going to stop this hurting …I seem to want to rush it through!! 

My wedding video I did watch some months ago now and it left me distraught it’s a shame it was such a lovely wedding! 

We are the only ones who understand the level of pain you are experiencing. It is truly horrific.  IHow could we know it would be this difficult ? I do a lot of self-reflection, as it is the only thing that keeps me sane. I worked out early on, that I couldn’t outrun the pain. I have to accept and acknowledge it. However savage it is. In a way, I don’t mind as at least I have experienced that depth of love, as you have. You were very brave to go with the picnic idea, I am not sure I could have done that. Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx

I watched the wedding video, I cried and smiled.  Seeing us together smiling, hearing Sue laugh, seeing us kissing. I felt happy? Remembering how we loved each other.  Then the bubble burst and the tears came back. Even after 38 weeks, I can't control my tears. It's crazy one minute a picture makes you smile, the next you're crying. Take care

So both days now done. Today was harder then yesterday, I think I was more prepared for yesterday.  A lot more tears today, but I went for a meal on my own, I took a picture of Sue with me and put it on the table in front of me. The waitress wanted to give me hug, when she saw and asked what it was for. I just wanted to try and do something postive. Two hard days, i think I will be shattered tomorrow. 

Take care.

It sounds like a really tough couple of days. Hopefully you will get a chance to recover over the next week. Sending hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

That’s so true about pictures.

No rhyme nor reason why even on the same day the same picture can bring a smile, tears, guilt, anger, laughter.  
Or even 2 pictures next to each other provoke different emotions. 

One day I can sing along to our song - A 1000 Years by Christina Perri.
My beautiful Valen added it to our wedding video and photo slideshow. 
He requested it to be his final song at the crem. 
Another day just the first few words have me in hysterical sobs.

One day I can watch one of his favourite programmes or films. Another day I can’t turn the tv over fast enough.

I take nothing for granted.