My Identity - Who am I now ?

Good question and one that I’m struggling with and stressing about…I was just happy with what we had together and my life and our routine but it’s all changed. You would never think it would change so much until it happens to you and it now has.
21 weeks for me and not only having to deal with the loss of our loved ones but also having to change the way or having to adapt to a new life situation.  I just cringe at the thought of this pain going one from grief and everything things else and I know from being on here it’s just going to continue. 
I’m still in the angry phase at the moment work colleagues said I was swearing a lot the other day, my behaviour has been very odd and erratic with late night drives as I wake up with tears down my face so get up and go driving. Im going to stop that though it careless. 
I have got involved in lots of things recently almost too busy to probably get away from what’s really happening and happened and trying to find distractions. But volunteer this weekend for MacMillan run so that’s something sensible and worthwhile to give my time too. 

We can’t do this on our own or I know I can’t but  fortunately I have support from grief counselling also along the way too.

I end up looking at all kinds of self helps, meditation, almost too much then forget most of it, just looking for help to try to live again but I’m afraid I know my life our lives will never be the same and we can only try and hope that we make the best of it and the right decisions along the way yet my guiding light has gone.   Xx

Hi Kate, I completely understand.  I lost my partner of 30 years just short of 1 Yr ago. I have never lived alone before and don't know who I am. Dealing with this on top of the loss of my best friend  let alone my partner, is horrific. We only had 14 weeks from diagnosis to him passing. It was a complete whirlwind. I feel lost and empty. I suppose I'm just existing.  Our house, feels empty and no longer the wonderful place which was full of love and laughter.  I feel like a caretaker and carer for our two cats. 

Take care,Lorrie 

Hi Lorrie, it is a very unsettling feeling. My husband loved his routines (very OCD),, and I would be a more spur of the moment person. This was fun, as he would be challenged to do new things, and I would just laugh. Somehow, it worked. Fortunately, we were both very independent as well. We had 20 weeks from diagnosis until his passing. Again, a complete whirlwind, too. I will carry on with my quest for meaning and purpose in my life. Kate. Xxx

Hi Kate, 

 I hope this is helpful and not just a ramble.

This morning at a bereavement coffee, I mentioned, how I was trying different foods now, which before I would have gone no.

I think we start looking at different things,because are old normal is a trigger, but as I have said before, it might make me cry,but I like remembering Sue. I know I will never be that happy again. So I think it's finding a balance of remembering our partners and trying to move on. My old life might not have been perfect, but to me the good far out weighed the bad. 

By the time Sue was diagnosed we had 91/2 weeks. I still can't believe how fast it was.  I am not ready for finding the new me. He is going to be a very lonely person. Then again I already am.

I hope you understand, what I am trying to say.

Take care and if you find the answer, let us know. 

Hey there,  I can relate to you and I agree that as much as everyone's grief is totally unique to them, there are so many similarities...I to, seem to avoid thinking of Martin's passing, in my head he's in the garage, restoring a car or in the next room, anything but the truth. It's when I go into the back garden and see his garage, all loked up and cobwebs on the doors, it rips me apart again...I can't go into the garage. I still can't empty the hospital bag he had, all his things are still in it from last October. I speak to my bereavement Councillor every few weeks, but I think I'm still too numb to benefit from it. My brain is scrambled. I feel,  like I'm sure everyone else does, when your person receives their diagnosis and their treatment starts, we as the partner,  goes through a traumatic journey along with them and sadly, when they pass, we,who are left behind have the added weight of grief as well as the trauma already being dealt with... xx

It will be an individual experience for us all, although we are all trying to find a way forward in our own unique way. I am not in any rush, it is more that I am exploring some new ideas. This is combined with parts of life that I am happy with. I went to Sheffield Park in Uckfield, yesterday with our daughter, for my birthday. The autumn colours are beautiful. I went back into teacher mode and collected conkers, pine cones, acorns, colourful leaf fall. This time, it felt different but uplifting. 

I can empathise with the feeling that without your 'other half' or your 'soulmate' that you are no longer the person you were. How can you be when there's only half of you left, or your soul has been decimated? Finding out who you can be is going to take time, but then again, our identities are all capable of being reshaped: from romantic partner, to spouse or life partner, to parent, to carer. You might find this clarifies:

 https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/articles/rebuilding-your-identity-after-loss-who-am-i-now

Thank you. It is a great article, and has given me a lot to think about. Of course, I have had thoughts about what my life could be. I think I have been unable to physcologically make that move forward, as the emotional side has been so intense. I am naturally an optimistic person, and I am slowly started to emerge from the haze. I have started on my art and photography this week. Kind regards, Kate. Xxx

I’m still in the angry phase at the moment work colleagues said I was swearing a lot the other day, my behaviour has been very odd and erratic

I have said before that I have developed internal Tourette’s. Unfortunately it has lately become vocal and I only realised when my sister in law pointed it out. 
And as for odd behaviour, I went and sat in the car the other night for half an hour. No intention of driving, so not sure why I went and sat in it. It’s not like Valen ever even saw it, so no connection to him. 
In the past my anger and frustration has led me to destroy part of the garden I had just planted up. Then felt guilty about wasting money spent on the plants I ripped up. 

My PTSD counsellor said we will be addressing my anger and guilt in the next few weeks.
Something to look forward to  

My PTSD counsellor said that when we say a part of me died when X did, it’s actually physically true. 
Before they were taken from us, our loves literally lit up our lives. When we saw them, or heard their voice, or touched them, neurons in our brains sparked. 
Now that we no longer see them in physical life, or hear their voice, or touch them, those neurons are no longer sparking and without use, they die off. 
New neurons have been created which spark when we think of our loved ones, but are still in their infancy as we are still new to seeing these memories in a new light. 

He has helped me to drown out the “what if” voices. Those rabbit hole, unproductive, self tormenting questions. 
When I find myself saying what if / if only/ why didn’t we, I tell myself to bugger off. 
He asked me what would I say to a friend who constantly asked what if / why didn’t you? Would you let them ask you daily, would they still be your friend? 
Has asking those questions changed the outcome?
So why do you do it yourself? It was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me personally. I still say if only, but don’t torment myself like before.

We are working on the reality of now. 
Which is scary.