Guilt & grief.

My niece is home from Uni for a couple of days, her going away so soon after Andrew’s passing felt like another loss to me even though I’m am thrilled she is following her dream of being a paramedicso I too am going to have a beautiful sunny day with her & my family ️️

Try have a good day I have to say I find no joy in anything  or anyone  but I have done a ridiculous  brave thing I have organised  a macmillian  coffee  after in honour  of Simon Only a few neighbours  not family just a few people  but my daughter will come and help I've  already been crying  all morning  got to find the old me Simon was a amazing  host funny relax let's  see only invited 5 old ladies on their  own not through  loosing  husbands  so no one understands  but they all know someone  who has passed through  Cancer x

Ah dear Aunty Debs, 51 is so, so young. 

I know what you mean about your husband just living longer for you.  It is such a loving gift that you had someone who did this for you. Only that my husband collapsed in a very public place, practically on the doorstep of a world-class hospital, he would have died when he first collapsed on his way home from his work. His fitness, and where he collapsed, meant that he could be resuscitated after being put in a coma etc. His life was saved twice after too - once after a haemorrhage in the hospital and then again when he could avail of a trial combination of antibiotics - that only that hospital would have access to and that kept him alive in his last 10 days or so. Obviously we knew as soon as he had another infection there were no further antibiotics he could have but then he died from this haemorrhage.

So I take comfort that at least we had these four months together with so many happy memories. Off course I have thought since why I was not holding his hand every second of those four months but as I reflected yesterday because we wanted to still keep up the hope that we were living in defiance and not just waiting death.

Obviously the whole thing was surreal - he had never been in hospital before - not even for a day or one-off appointment, or was even born in hospital - but spent the last four months of his life living in a hospital.

Every day before I'd come into his room I would be terrified I might not find him alive but then there he would be - either smiling or grumpy - and I didn't hold his hand but just go off and bring back a coffee and get out my laptop or book and we just had another day pottering on together as normal. And indeed some of the arguments we had in this time too bring back such fond memories as well  - as they were only those two people with such a long, interwoven and loving history could have. We were married from our twenties and have two beautiful children now in their late twenties. 

Yes, this community has been and is a godsend to me as I didn't have counselling. 

Love again to you and to all in this community grieving the loss of one we loved and who loved us. We were the lucky ones too.

Yes, this community is a godsend. It is the only place that I can be honest, and not feel like I have been dropped into a surreal world, on another planet. 

Hi, I am 8 months, 35 weeks on this crap path.

I have felt guilty, since Sue went ahead. I have been told by a doctor, counsellor,my sister who was a sister on a itu and even spoken to a vicar about it. That there was nothing I could have done and there was nothing to forgive. 

 Sue got diagnosed with cancer in November, we knew it was bad,but nobody used terminal. In January she was weak but started chemotherapy, 4 days later she collapsed at home. I had already phoned for a ambulance and was on the phone to them. I had to do cpr till the Ambulance arrived. They got her to hospital, I followed down in another ambulance. I got told her heart had stopped at least twice on the journey down and with the cancer they didn't know what she would be like and it was only the machines,keeping her going. I think they had already made up their mind, but I had to say the words, I said just let her go. So I sat with her as they turned off the machines and I played her favourite song. Sorry crying as I type this. So I will always feel guilty, even though I know I did the right thing. 

Take care

I never thought about it like that, for all of our  terrible loss we really are the lucky ones also ️

Bless you, so sorry for your loss. Crying with you . You really did do the right thing, you saved her from goodness knows how long of possible pain & misery. You were brave & thought of her before yourself ️

Yes, you did do the right thing. What choice did you have in truly traumatic circumstances. You didn’t have a choice. I would have done the same. I am sorry you feel guilty, and I am not sure why ? Sending hugs, Kate.xxx

GhostLoveScore,

I'm so very sorry for your loss of your Sue. What you went through must have been such a shock, and then being responsible for CPR, and making such a loving but painful decision. I'm not even sure if we can call these feelings guilt - we are all just processing our great romantic love and our great loss of that, and the meaning of death and life in our own way.  We often latch on to something, or some aspect of this trauma, that we play over and over in our minds as we try to work out all these deep mysteries about the meaning of our love and life.

In your own time you will figure out your feelings but just take your time. Sue had you, her soulmate and romantic love with her when she really needed you the most, on her deathbed, acting on her behalf with the love you shared for each other. In today's lonely world not all will have this - we may have loved ones but this is not quite the same as having our soulmate and romantic love by our side. Your Sue had the dignity and peace of this.  

Love to you and all in this beautiful community

Florence 

Yes, you are right. My husband Paul, was my great romantic love, and I am happy with that. I accept the pain. Some people never experience what we have had. I am still in love with him, and always will be. Kate. Xxx