Guilt & grief.

I felt such terrible guilt over not giving my beautiful Valen CPR when he collapsed after I called for an ambulance as he couldn’t breath.

I told my counsellor, and then had the strength to tell my brother and then our best friend, that I went into blind utter panic. I pulled him off his chair onto the floor. Screaming and screaming and screaming for him to wake up. Shaking him to make him move. Yelling for help. 
The hotel staff where we wer gave him CPR and defibrillator. Then the ambulance crew. Then the helicopter crew. 

Then like you had had to say those words “Stop. Enough. Let him be”.

We had discussed, and Valen had a DNR in place, that he didn’t want resuscitating. He didn’t want to be hooked up on tubes and machines. Keeping him alive. 
He told our GP, Oncologist, family and friends. So everyone knew. 
He said he didn’t want my last sight to be that and for me to have to make the final decision.
Well, that didn’t go exactly to plan did it!! 

But everyone has said that I did the right thing and that if I had given him CPR and he had been bought back but was nothing but a shell he would be bloody furious. And what life would that be. For him or for me. 

So, distressing as it is to play this over and over and over on that damn movie tape, I have to remind myself that I did as he wanted.  
A final loving gift from me to my beautiful Valen. To follow his wish. To let him go.

And as my counsellor and sister in law have both astutely surmised - I knew instantly that he had gone, so that’s why I didn’t try.

Although my guilt of leaving Andrew for a couple of hours for the first time in 2 weeks haunts me I do realise that if I had been there I would have tried to save him again from yet another episode & if I had managed he would have been bought back to have another episode & potential paralysis as I think he had a tumour on his spine, if that had happened it would have broke his fighting spirit & I probably would have felt even more guilt. I guess I was lucky I didn’t have to make that decision & have the greatest of respect for others that did ️

Dear Ghost, Mrs VT and all

I don’t know where to start. I can so identify with you all. The love, the guilt. Could I have done more?

I have been told by several consultants (hospital and hospice) that I gave my beloved Anne better care at home than she would have received anywhere else. My GP has said several times that she has never seen anyone who cared so much, gave so much, than me.

So why do I feel so very, bloody guilty?

I don’t know. Ghost, I have been thinking about this since I saw your post a few hours ago, I don’t know how to respond, but feel I have to, so please forgive my ramblings – hopefully will make some form of sense by the end!

I think (as much as I can these days), this is a response between the head and the heart. Logic versus love.

There is a Billy Connelly sketch ( available at Billy Connolly - Old Couple - Billy and Albert 1987 ) which was a favourite of ours since her first bout of cancer in 2011. – the bit which stuck was “you were beside me every step of the way” – it became our mantra, through every bit of the rough times. We laughed, cried to that. A nurse being horrified when Anne told me I was a “Bloody Jinx” – "How dare you say that, he hasn’t left your side for 48 hours!!!!"… we nearly wet ourselves laughing.

The cold, logical, head says – “you couldn’t have done more, you couldn’t have done better.”

The warm, loving heart screams “What if?”. “Why?”. “If only you had ……?”

We all know, deep down that the cold, ice cold, logical head is right. There was nothing else we could have done.

But, loving our partners so much, the heart always seems to win. Leading to the guilt. What if I had done?….. Why didn’t I do….?

Do I want to live with a cold, logical heart? NO.

However much the pain, I would prefer to live with a warm, loving heart.

I have remembered a song by Chris de Burgh from the early 1980s which Anne loved – The Head and the Heart. I have put some of the lyrics below (Ghost, I guess that the singer is not quite your taste- I would agree – maybe see you in Manchester in December for Sabaton?), but maybe the lyrics will mean something.

Chris de Burgh, The Head and the Heart (Chris de Burgh - The Head And The Heart ~With lyrics~ )

……….

She is sleeping now, softly in the night,
And in my heart of darkness she is the only light,
I am lost in love, looking at her face,
And still I hear the voice of reason,
Telling me to chase these dreams away.

Oh here we go again, we're divided from the start,
For we cannot live together, and we cannot live apart,
It's the classical dilemma between the head and the heart,
The head and the heart;

Now the dawn begins, and still I cannot sleep,
My head is spinning round but now the way is clear to me,
There is nothing left, nothing left to show,
The jury and the judge will see, it's time to let her go,

Now hear the heart,
I believe that time will show,
She will always be a part of my world,
I don't want to see her go,
So I plead my case to hear the heart,
And stay

It's time to let her go, I don't want to let her go
It's time to let her go, I don't want to let her go

It's time to let her go

And in this classical dilemma,

I find for……..

the heart.

However hard, how many tears are shed, I will always find for the heart.

Wishing you all the very best

Chris

I know Kate... it is becoming more and more rare for younger generations  everywhere in the world. To fall in love with someone, in most cases a stranger, in your early 20s and still be in love with them is such a rare gift that we were given and experienced. Our beloveds also passed on with their beauty and this eroticism living on in us so that beautiful essence of them must continue to be a powerfully creative force on earth. Love Florence

Thank you everyone for your kind words,and and understanding.

 I know that we shouldn't feel guilty, is it survivors guilt  ? We all know we did are best. I do think it is because we loved them so much and they loved us as much.

JealousofAngels, I do have a ticket for Sabaton, but if I go or not is a different story. Manchester is a long way for me on my own. We first saw them as a support band and followed them ever since.

Thank you again,  please take care.

Jay was advised by the surgical team to sign a DNR MrsVT. After his 3rd bout of sepsis when he was admitted to resus the specialist came round and said to him if it happened again there would be no way of bringing him back and all his internal organs were more or less finished and he more or less told him like you say about Valen if they brought him back it wouldn't do a lot of good and would just prolong his agony so to speak so he really had no choice but just to sign the DNR. In the end up he was just a poor soul with wires, bags etc just about coming out of everywhere. He used to joke he had more bags than Lidl supermarket even when he knew he was nearing the end he could still crack a few jokes etc. Comedian to the end.

xx