Guilt & grief.

It is not possible to know when our loved ones are, “Going to go”. We had three of us caring for my husband for five months at home. He had terminal agitation, and couldn’t be left alone at all. It was exhausting, 24/7. On top of that, we had nursing care at home for the medication. I managed to secure a bed at St Barnabas, as the pain relief was not anywhere near enough. I stayed over the first night. Then I needed to go home to cook a meal for our adult children, and to support them. I specifically asked the nurses to call me if his condition deteriorated. They didn’t. I was so angry with them, as I wanted to be there. I have since read that, sometimes, our loved ones want to be on their own, when they pass. I take some comfort from this. I know that I gave every fibre of my being, and I am sure you did, too. The pain is overwhelming, but no one can take away the love you had. We all understand here. Sending hugs. Kate. Xxx

Thank you Insanity Kate I have heard also that they wait until you are not there. It was just so unexpected on that day but honestly any day would have felt like that I guess, we didn’t talk about the end or the funeral we just lived in the moment. As neither of us really knew what to do in our situation I guess we just done the best we could. I know we would have forgiven each other for things we may have said that hurt  but I wish I could tell him one last time that I love him. Now I just spend my time crying & talking to the air hoping he can hear. I’m so grateful for our wonderful 25 years of love but sometimes the grief is so overwhelming I forget everything good.  Thanks for your words & so sorry you were not with you husband either ️️ 

Aunty Debs

Gosh I know how you feel I am 15 weeks in from my husband passing in the hospice we tried palliative care at home for a week but like you they could not control the pain at some points in the night screaming while i'm trying to get district nurses but they were never close by and would have to wait hours.After a week of this and vomiting he gave in and we went to the hospice where doctors and consultant's were on hand. A week of terminal agitatation and no sleep I got cross was soo tired luckily I held his head and said sorry for shouting it's not you it's the Cancer he was then sedated passed 24 hours later. It is the cruel disease that causes us to snap it is evil . He would have known you were doing your very best this is what I told myself  the pain is unbearable I yearn for a hug we were so busy caring the last few weeks just want a hug from him I am sure we all have questions we will never get answered my main one is Simon shed a single tear at the last moment Was he aware he was about to die did he cry because he didn't want to leave me  I will never know but it hurts love to you

We decided that we wouldn’t say goodbye to each other, as ultimately we will be buried together, [Double plot]. Part of me wishes I was there now, as then I wouldn’t be suffering so badly. I also know that I can’t do that to our adult children. It is just that the pain is so intense sometimes. I am still trying to find a way through. We were together 40 years, The tears are falling. Kate. Xxx

Thank you for your words, luckily he didn’t need to leave home, we managed his pain well, he was mobile to the end although his back was getting worse, a tumour I guess, he told me there was no way he was dying in a bed full of drugs & he certainly didn’t that why it was such a shock to me. He was sitting up in the lounge when I left waiting for me to come home to take him to visit his Mum. I had no warning although to be fair looking back now I think underneath his bravado he was getting ready to go. I wish I could just be happy with the fact that he never got to suffer as much as he could have if he lived longer but losing him is too painful to make any sense to me. I could see that Andrew just fell asleep & Ii like to think he didn’t know he was passing. So sorry for your loss. Sending love xx

I know the feeling, I wish I was with him. I have his ashes here & hope to be mixed together one day. Like yourself I have other people to think of, I wouldn’t want them to go through the grief I am feeling. I wonder how I have enough water in my body to cry so much, the only time I’m not crying is when I’m sleeping ️️ 

I started reading a pocket full of happiness last night by Richard e grant  …it just reminded me of a happily married couple like all of us and the normality that was and the nightmare that has happened. I cried and pondered on what I was I reading and sympathising and understanding it all it reminded me - not that we will forget but of the struggles and stresses went through . In then morning I read some of the texts that I sent to various people to and fro with what was happening …I think I should get rid of these soon as they too are bad memories, with further guilt now and upset that I didn’t recognise until he went into the hospice that he was leaving me but in fact he had been leaving me for weeks before with his confusion and agitation and became a different person. I know he was seriously ill I see it now but I wasn’t ready to let him go but I did and he’s gone.

So today I went for a longer walk by the river it was an angry walk it was quiet and I was actually talking aloud to myself at timesI found some conkers on the way back and just had to fill my pockets for some reason! Felt like a child again but my mother was after some as she claims (it doesn’t work though) that conkers keep spiders away . 
Later today will be playing tennis so another distraction that works for me. And I need to keep up my exercise as I’m still having to take those steroids as little improvement in my kidney situation at the moment…!!!!!

Reike has also been suggested anyone done this before???

I was lucky as I was there when my husband died so I can find a little comfort in that but the way he was I really don’t know if he knew I was there…I just hope he did.

I realise looking back that he was ready to leave but I think he stayed for me. I’m glad he left when he did so he didn’t have to suffer anymore but of course now it’s my turn. I will mourn him forever but I’m so glad of the wonderful life we shared. 
I’m glad you have found ‘distractions’ thats all there is really isn’t it but at least they help for a while. Sending love ️ 

My beautiful Valen had done some little videos for me of how to do some everyday things - change the batteries in the Blink, make a soup in the soup maker, adjust the height on the lawnmower. 
One was changing the batteries in the Tado radiators. Earlier this year one needed doing, I couldn’t follow his instructions as I was crying so much watching it. 
My sister in law happened to be here and she said she’d help. As we were watching the clip she asked if the noise we could hear was the radiator. 
I said “No. That’s his breathing”. She looked horrified. 
It made me realise that it was early agonal breathing. The breathing people do not long before going. But I never recognised it as such.
He was ripped from me just a week after making the video.

In my more lucid moments I do thank our stars that he didn’t have barely any pain, was mobile (just), and fully aware. That he didnt have to go through any of that. 
He just spent most of the time sleeping. Nodding off on the sofa, waking with a jolt and laughing at himself. 
Again, we didn’t realise it meant the end. Or at least I didn’t. I think from what 2 people have said, Valen might have done. 

I will never forget him saying, 2 weeks before he went, in the darkness of night so quietly it was a whisper “I’m not ready to go yet”. And the following week “I don’t want to go”.

it will be 1 year in 14 days. 
Thats 1 year of crying every morning when I wake up and he is still not there. And every night when another day has gone without him.

I have some wonderful videos of Andrew dancing at a festival & on one of our holidays. They break me to watch them because so much was taken away from him but they also remind me of the wonderful man he was & the wonderful life we had. I find so many things bittersweet these days, things he wanted me to do for him, make him stickers for his van, clean it so it was kept nice, I now do them but he’s not here to see them. I didn’t have time before because I was so busy looking after him & trying to keep our life as normal as possible. I have so much time on my hands but I don’t have him to share it with. All seems so pointless. Although I am only 7 months in with my loss I really can’t see how time heals such a loss. So sorry for your loss. Sending love ️