To those of you who've been here a while

I had Art Therapy, in which very little art was achieved but much crying was. 
She helped me to visualise, forming from my own descriptions of our life, my beautiful Valen as a silver thread, winding through so many lives that he touched. And still spreading out as his influence carries on. His silver thread is wrapped around me, a yellow squidgy ball. Sometimes I’m flat as a cowpat, other times a yellow balloon. But always his thread is wrapped around me in his hug, expanding and contracting with me, but always secure. 
That was beginning of this year. 

On Monday I start CBT. About 2 months ago I contacted my GP saying I was really struggling again. After a long chat which was really supportive, he made an appointment with the surgeries Mental Health Nurse and set up this CBT.  
The nurse I see once a month and it’s very cathartic.

I put the tv or radio on as soon as I get in as I can’t bear this new silent silence. 
And I listen to podcasts when I go to bed, which are on throughout the night. So that when I wake after my fitful sleeping and dozing, it’s not eerily quiet.

I am utterly exhausted after nearly a year of just a couple of hours sleep each night. Or rather morning as it’s generally 2am when I drop off. 
Utterly drained after nearly a year of crying every single day. It was several times a day, At least now it’s only when I wake up and he’s still not here. And when I get into bed alone. 
 
As Kate says, life has evolved around me. Life has adjusted itself around me. I have just let it happen, not fought against it. Life is not easier as people who don’t know keep telling us it will be, it’s is different.

Hugs to everyone xx

Thank you so much for your honesty. I like the imagery of your art therapy. I too listen to podcasts or audio books which are on all night. Bought myself flowers and pretended they were from him, because he would have definitely bought them. 

Hi Clazz!

I like to believe things do get better but just at different levels for everyone I think. For me just over 2 years in I like to think I have moved forwards just that little bit slightly. There is still so much I want to do but still not got round to and I tend to beat myself up sometimes about that things I think that after two years should be done but sometimes that is not always the case. They say about two years is the max it takes getting over the loss of a loved one but don't think that is always the case either and it's really up to the individual I think how they feel. At this time of year we would usually start to think about Christmas coming and cosying up in our PJs on the winter nights to watch rubbish TV together. Jay loved his TV one of those people who would watch anything and everything- even repeats! your proverbial couch potato. He would be planning his Christmas dinner for that year too he liked to do Christmas dinner and it was always planned weeks ahead. He was never really one for Christmas but would celebrate it anyway and with the arrival of our little granddaughter it made it all the more special again just a shame this time he won't see the arrival of our 2nd grandchild this November. Some days I still can't grasp that he is gone. He comes to me in dreams now and at times they just feel so real that he is actually here but then I wake up and realise he's not and there are things that have happened and I want to tell him about them but of course he's not here so just need to `tell` his photograph. I really hope you find yourself being able to move forwards and think you will know yourself when you feel you are or have done. Best Wishes to you. 

Vicky x

My husband used to buy the oddest flowers, he was colour blind.   In the end, I used to buy them for myself. These were lovely roses, creams and pinks. I used to hand them to him and say, “Just hand them back to me as though you have bought them.” Then I would say, “Thank you for the flowers, Darling. They are wonderful”. We did that for over thirty years, it was hysterical. We were terrible romantics, and I loved receiving flowers. 

We always walked along the road holding hands like a young courting couple. That or if we were walking somewhere and stopped for a minute Jay would give me a little peck on the cheek and say `love you`. You miss all those little things all those little moments. Wouldn't say we were the romantic types more likely to rip the p**** out of each other but was all done in fun. He'd tell me not to get him anything for Valentines then turn up with chocolates, flowers and big card for me and I would get him a standard size card and he would do something like put both cards together and say something like `No guessing then who got the cheapskate Valentines card` and that would send me into fits of laughter but again it was all in good fun. Then I would feel guilty at not getting him anything but he would say don't worry about it because his birthday was the 12th February two days before Valentines and I would get him loads for that. Miss all those wee things indeed. 

Yes it's the little things, holding hands, if we were walking having to kiss at every kissing gate. Just seeing her smile.