One of those Days.

Sounds like you got a lot done already this morning that’s an accomplishment getting the bedding done, I miss my husband to help me turn the mattress now and again. We just used to flip it together.

I’m back from my tennis feeling ok ish I fell over somehow and ended up on the floor elbow and knee grazed but promptly get up saying yeah I’m fine   What an idiot ! 
I know if my husband there hed have said what do you go and do that for?

Crumpets are good. 

This afternoon I know i will achieve very little now lovely day outside here we would have sat outside together in it I will now just do little inside and I will just be unfocused and not motivated but try to push myself for a walk later. 

Unfocused and Unmotivated seem to be the `nom` at the minute Toosonn. Exactly how I feel and I am `thinking` of going to sit outside for a little while but wonder it it will get beyond thinking. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Yes the mattress, is a lot easier with two. The bed is remade.  Motivation is hard,sometimes you just don't see the point. You have played tennis that's good.

There has been and probably many more days, we're we will sit and think I should be doing this or that,but we will be in our own little world. We are on a crap path,so we shouldn't beat ourselves up over it.

Your right thank you - the counsellor also aid to me she noticed I said I should a lot she said  like you don't feel the need to be doing anything I would say I should be doing this or that or something when I thought about it she's right so now I've come for an afternoon nap to chill I've prepared the rest of the dinner spoke to niece in France got upset twice was doing so well until I mentioned those  two bloody pork chops again ! 

• Yes it's Sunday after all a day of rest ...

Did go and sit outside for a little while- 2 hours almost!! None of my neighbours home so no need to pass pleasanteries with anyone. Just stuck the headphones on and drifted away for a wee while. Back in now it's just a bit too warm out there

That made me smile in recognition!

I do a lot more “thinking of doing” than actual doing

I was supposed to drive me and mum over to my sisters for the day. 
But really couldn’t face it. 
I went for a walk. Drove to mums. Went in. Then just couldn’t. Couldn’t face painting the Stepford Wife smile on. 
So pleaded headache and not feeling right. Came home. Done a big tidy in the garden. Half done, rest of it tomorrow. 
Felt guilty for not taking mum over. 
Had a doze. Now watching A Quiet Place Day One.

It’s amazing I actually did the garden. 
I’ve been thinking of doing it for weeks

I have my beautiful Valen in a teardrop pendant. 
He chose it, secretly with the funeral director. 
So when I went and got him from her she said “Valen has something for you” and put it round my neck.

We also went and got his wedding ring resized for me 2 weeks before he was taken. It fits and looks so right.

I wear his t.shirts in bed. His shorts in this sunny weather. His cap. 
Most of my jackets are his.
I use his brand of shampoo. His water bottle. 
I have a little passport size photo of him in my card wallet. A slightly larger picture goes in my bag whenever we go out. And a small photo on the sunvisor in the car.

So he comes with me everywhere.

(I draw the line at wearing his pants ()

So yesterday tried to be positive,  today ??

I went to shop I volunteer at, I had,had a bad night, and wasn't sure about going, but l thought it would do me some good. After an hour of hanging,I realised I had been by myself most of the time. I go for some company.  Then a little while later Bryan Adams, everything I do,comes on the radio. Are first dance and the song what played when I followed Sue's coffin in. So I see two very different images and I couldn't stop crying, but nobody was there to see it.

 So after about another 20 min, I just got my stuff and came home. I said I would be back and I will give it another go. Just having moan sorry.

Moan away I don't blame you it's totally understandable. If someone was around to talk it may have been a little easier for you but all those triggers that just start us off are so hard to deal with they just keep hitting and hurting us again and again.

It sometimes feels like I’m on a tennis court with one of those ball machines pelting balls out at high speed.  

You try and dodge them. Sometimes you manage to do so.
Sometimes they glance off you, not so difficult to deflect.
Sometimes they hit so hard they take you breath away and the pain smacks into you. 

Sometimes you see them coming and dodge. 
Other times they come so unexpectedly, you don’t see them until it’s too late. 
Sometimes you see them out the corner of your eye and actually step into them.

But you can’t get close enough to stop the machine.