One of those Days.

Hope you did manage to get back to sleep…

All those hugs and cuddles especially the nights and the things we all would say to each other are sorely missed. 

I know I took everything we had for granted you just think that it will last forever but sadly we have found out it doesn’t.   I have tears now rolling down my cheeks it’s so hard to go to sleep without them and wake up and not have them beside us. I can picture him now (well not at this time of the morning as he’d be sleeping and so would I) but he would say what’s the plan for today then? 

Sunday would have included the Sunday roast so today I’ve pulled out all the stops and pulled out two lonesome pork chops instead from the freezer that we would have had together but he just couldn’t eat much towards the end and I’m going to throw one or two on the bbq later  with some hassleback new potatoes that need using up.  I won’t eat outside though it just doesn’t feel the same at all anymore without him.

Everything is just so hard how different your life becomes they die and a lot of me died with him x

It is extremely difficult to concentrate for any length of time. How I managed to get through the probate, and funeral arrangements I will never know. Our brains are struggling to process the loss and trauma. They dart around with flashbacks and memories, pleasant and unpleasant. I feel really over tired today. No wonder we can’t focus at times. I seem to spend a lot trying to ground myself and then refocus. I have to do this several times during the day, otherwise I wouldn’t get anything done. Kate. Xxx

So today,I  am trying to be more positive. 

Out of bed before 7, bed stripped  bedding in the washer. OK go for a walk. So i went out for about 1 1/2 hours. It was are covid walk, I got to one bit,which is a bit uneven, so I reached out my hand for Sue to make sure she was ok. I felt a breeze and started to cry. I saw a robin on the way back.  Got home hung out the bedding, had a shower  had some crumpets. 

 Concentration is hard, I can read for about 10/15 minutes now. Yes how we through all that paperwork, I still don't know. Let's see they are going through the worst,time of their life  let's hit them, with a load of paperwork. 

That is so beautiful, your Sue is with you. I have now had my coffee, so I will now go to M & S to get some bits for a BBQ later. I shall take our border collie, as he loves the car and it’s not too hot. He is great company, and a good friend. Would you consider getting a dog in the future ? Kate. Xxx

I keep thinking about it, but at the moment, I am still finding hard to plan ahead. I like border collies , I used to play with somebody's on the beach, whilst she and Sue talked.

 I hope you have a good day. Take care.

I wash mine separate in the machine. I have been `blessed` in that department so mine are like `hammocks`. The things Jay used to call them but then that was a private thing between us both can have its drawbacks though when you are trying to find nice fitted things to wear and you get the `gape`. right in the middle so you resort to the baggy T shirt. Yes Kate mine have `headed south` as well the perils of age unfortunately. Jay used to joke that I needed an `estimate` for mine and he knew a good scaffolder. The things he used to come out with and the things I miss.

It’s so funny. Just done the shop, and straight away the bra comes off. Comfort first. Kate. Xxx

You could always look at different breeds. Border collies are hard work, but very intelligent. They need a lot of exercise, and strong boundaries. However, they are very protective and loving. I feel safe when we have deliveries, as Jack is on it. He looks after us. Kate. Xxx

I have `Jay` around my neck Toosoon. I got a little heart shaped pendant picture of him on a chain around my neck and got it inscribed `Jay`, `Always and Forever In My Heart` and I have a pendant with a little drop of his ashes in as well and in the car I have one of those little hanging mirror pendants its a man and woman sitting on decking platform at a lake made to look like us and the man has wings and she says `I miss you` and he says `Im always with you`. So in a way he is always with me when I go out and in here as I wear a bangle I got him when he came through his cancer the first time and one of those little rope bracelets I got him made which has all our names on it. Mine, our son, my daughter in law, my sister and our granddaughter. Got his name added to it as well when he passed. So he is more or less still everywhere with me. 

xx

Yes Kate I know the feeling. Is a BIG relief. Try to go without when possible especially in this hot weather as I can sweat under there and get the dreaded rash. Talcum usually becomes my best friend for a while