One of those Days.

I totally agree MrsVT. Yet people don't understand that.

Well I'm feeling uneasy sat in tyre place even went wrong on the way here ! It's a place my husband came to not me usually.

Tired from last night woke at 12am then got back to sleep then awake again 2-4am!

Welll it’s been strange morning..

car and bra …

Tyre only one needed which was good just was weird as my husband won’t be returning there again. 

Then as I was out early I went to my Bra shop lost weight so needed replacements and it’s not exactly top of my things to do list at the moment! Although with all the steroids I’m on at the moment I have already started putting on weight.

Got sorted two new bras and as I was paying I just got upset not just because of the price but the fact that usually my husband would have been walking around the town waiting for me and this time he wouldn’t be !
THE THINGS that get you to you crying in an underwear shop whatever next. Lady was lovely understanding and gave me the inevitable hug I don’t feel any better though for it.

Home now made an espresso and probably do some housework I need to distract myself I can feel it’s going to be a crappy day.

It’s funny though I thought coming home I need to talk and guess what I come on here as I know there will be some comfort or understanding or humour 24/7 !!! 

Need another coffee then housework… Maybe xx

Triggers  and are minds. I could make a fortune if I could figure that out. 

 Today was my weekly shop and I feel,like I am going backwards with it. I have cried the last two times. I think it's because of the incident. Got Sue some nice flowers, I normally get them for the date, she went ahead,but I just thought ishe needed some.

 Sorry wish I could say something funny about bra shopping, but been male it would get me in trouble. 

Take care

I like a lovely espresso, that will give you a buzz. I have two saggy old bras that definitely need replacing. I just keep tightening the straps, otherwise my puppies will end up down by my waist.  Off to the churchyard to water the tropical plants for my darling. Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx

I, or Valen, used to treat me to a Bravissimo bra once a year. 
I need a new one every year as I blatantly and bolshyly (not sure if that’s right!) and pig-headedly refuse to hand wash a bra and it goes in the wash with everything else

What is it with tyres for me this week? Went to my bike shed yesterday front tyre was flat so I pumped it up and checked first thing this morning again it was flat so I’ve never mended a puncture my husband would have done it so I called local shop who said drop it it in if I can get it off. Well good old you tube video I took it off and left it with him. No sooner had I returned home he called me to say all fixed I was able to ride to the bbq after all. Not that I drink it just let me be independent and able to leave and go when I wanted all in all it I was ok just one small teary episode that dark glasses are useful for hiding behind. Ate well to save me bothering later ….

Home now cuppa tea sat Talking to my husband I wish he could have been there too. No one mentioned him today only me xxx

Good idea of you to cycle so you could arrive and leave as you wanted. 
And very good on you for going as well! It must have been so hard to actually get there and stay. 
It’s sad that no one talked to you about your beloved. But then as we have all found, some people assume that we don’t want to mention them. They don’t want to upset us. 
Whereas the opposite is true, at least for me. I mention my beautiful Valen as often as I can. Even shoehorning him into conversations. I don’t want him to miss out, or feel left out.

Isnt this whole juxtaposition weird? 
I know he has been taken from us. That he is not physically here. That he won’t miraculously walk through the door - though I do still look out the window for him walking down the street. 
Yet I talk to him constantly. I’ve just got in bed after bringing him into the bedroom from the conservatory as it’s bedtime and he should be in the bedroom. I told him all about my day, even what I watched on tv.
When I go out I tell him where I’m going and when to expect me back. Then kiss him goodbye and tell him to watch out for the pesky pigeons in the garden. Thats after carrying him there as I don’t want him facing the bedroom wall all day and he has a nice view of the garden where I put him. 
I hate to feel I let him down or that he would be disappointed when I get things wrong. 
I think about how terribly upset he would be by my raw grief. 
I pat the bed where his feet were when I get out to go to the loo as I always did. 
I planted his chilli plants even though I don’t eat them like he did, but he would like that.

Im not a believer in heaven, that kind of religious afterlife. 
Yet I believe his presence is still around. 
I think that’s the only way I can cope with this wholly unbelievable reality.

1am ramble over x

I have just got up, after trying to get off to sleep for the last hour and a half. I can’t settle. Night time is the worst, I cry every night before sleep, and am still hugging a fleece for comfort. I talk to Paul all the time. At times, it still feels surreal. I can feel him around me, loving me and trying to help me. I just want my husband. Kate.xxx

Thank you for your encouragement it’s only you guys on here that really seem to understand what just doing something fairly simple like that involves.

Please don’t stop rambling either it helps I know …

I just went to bed at 8pm read iPad, couldn’t face reading how to survive losing a loved one last night and wrote some notes that are bothering me I will talk to counsellor again Monday this week it comes around quickly what happens when they stop calling? Who do we speak to then?  I would like to not spend most of the call crying then get asked afterwards how am I feeling today about things. I would like not cry all the time.   I want to try to get as much from it as I can. 

For some reason I feel wide awake now at 6am hopefully after my cuppa Yorkshire tea I hope I can settle for another hour or so as I have my beginners tennis course at 12 again. Which I’m happy to say I am looking forward to. I don’t look forward to much nowadays but I know I’ll probably feel flat and bad and guilty and lonely later.

I tend to leave my husband in the bedroom which has the garden view but I’ve mentioned before he’s also in my car a little handy metal lipsil tin which I’ve doodled over and written on that tin brings me some comfort and easy to hold when I need to. I feel he’s looking after me too in the car it’s just he’s not giving me navigational instructions anymore sadly or telling me to slow down.  

I could with some navigation at this moment  as I’m not sure where I’m heading sometimes thoughout the day I seem to drift from one thing to another not finishing things. Surely if I can stop doing that will help, I was like that before my husband died he would say just do one thing will you ! He’s right I know. X