Flashbacks

I do sometimes have to remind myself that she is grieving badly as well. 
I find I can be very impatient with people now and my poor mum is somewhat hard of hearing and slow so sometimes I get frustrated with her. 
Which is horrible of me, but I do recognise when I am and then make things as better as I can.  
She says things like “look at me. Old, useless woman with nothing left to give. And Valen, so kind and helpful to everyone and so much more to give. It’s wrong I’m here and he isn’t”. 
God forgive me, but when she first started saying this I agreed. 
Now of course, my anger is redirected and I can’t tell her with honesty and love that I need her now as my mother more than I ever have. And this does console her. 

We have all felt things that we are not proud of. One of my husband’s ’drinking mates’, sent my husband a picture of a coffin about a month before he died. It really upset my husband, (unsurprisingly). It was on their football, banter group, and he came off after that. At that time, I wished that he had cancer and not my darling. This so called ‘friend”couldn’t make it to the funeral, as he had workman in for the day doing his patio.Too funny. Kate. Xxx

How utterly callous of the so called friend. Maybe he was trying to be funny but some things just aren't. It's no wonder you had the thoughts you did. I wished the same for my previous manager after I was treated so appallingly after I lost my love and before.

Also my cousin who I was previously close to didn't attend the funeral as she had to take her daughter to gymnastics! Go figure. All these people I went out of my way for before haven't shown up for me so now I'm done with them all.

You're right we've all thought horrible things because we've been hurting x

Tomorrow would have been my husbands birthday I have made him a cake like I would normally for this birthday. I have just made a small donation for his birthday to my local hospice and uploaded a photo of him for a light up the sky memorial event locally. It sounds a nice evening in September that I will aim to attend. I had to write some words couldn’t do this without tears.

its late for me , strange day not looking forward to tomorrow no presents for him to unwrap no birthday picnic or treats for two no escape for the day just a day of reflection and remembering plenty of tears I’m sure will come and a short Boat trip around the dorset coast and what ever else I manage to do. Got to be brave And strong. (He will be with me if it’s quiet enough to do so he will have a little scattering of his ashes too ) 

“Happy birthday Darling I love you and miss you so much ️

The event sounds like it will be very moving.
It sounds similar in tone to the Suffolk Remembers event I attended a few months back. 
The local St Elizabeth Hospice run it annually. They have battery tea lights on boards spelling out Suffolk Remembers. Each tea light is paid for by a left behind loved one. The loved ones names are on the tea light and stewards let you know which letter they are on. 
My beautiful Valen was on the B.
There was poetry, some readings, a brass band and a choir. 
Then a 2 minutes silence in which all you could hear was gentle sobbing. 
By then it was dark and the lights looked amazing.

I went with my sister and it was incredibly moving. I cried throughout the whole thing (as did she). It was hateful being there. But beautiful.

Yes, certain days make life even more difficult. It is not surprising, considering our lives have vaporised in front of us. We had hoped to move down to The West Country last summer, it was not to be. We spent a lot of time around Bridport, Seatown , Burton Bradstock. We had settled on Crewkerne, and our new house was being built. We had to pull out, a week before exchange. My darling was too unwell. Where will you go on your Boat trip ? That sounds interesting.The cake idea was very brave, it is a shame we can’t all have a piece. 

Good morning...yes from what you said and what I read very similar music refreshments and silence sounds like an emotional evening.

My elderly mum said earlier to me hope tomorrow goes ok I hate to think of you being on your own tomorrow my answer to this was every day is like this just a little bit harder as it is is  birthday . Although he would be saying I don't want to do anything it's just a normal day don't make a fuss. 

It's not now though is it we will never share that day together until we meet again.

I actually at this moment in time am not frightened about dying (probably shouldn't put that)!  Its only the love I feel and how hard our separation has been we have to learn on the job as they say every day is different and take one step at a time and hopefully grow stronger though the grief and pain.

God this is to too serious for this time of the morning I better shut up ! And try to sleep  

I wish you could too much cake for me i will freeze half for another day I don't want to put to much weight on as I'm on steroids now since Friday ! 

Very nice area Bridport Seaton etc I'm going on the Jurassic boat trip booked through groupon for half price offer it's a two hour trip from poole Dorset costal area. Hope it's not too busy on the boat some we hadn't done together only did brownsea island together on another Birthday and a posh picnic I remember Italian meat platter for a change. A picnic my husband had organised as I was working so with olives etc. He was so lovely and thoughtful....got to go now that's upset me thinking about it ! 

I'll be fine and try to enjoy the day x

Morning Toosoon

I hope today is not to hard, though you and we know it will be a difficult day.
The boat trip sounds like a lovely ride where the other people don’t know you and you can be reflective. And as it looks like being a nice day so you can hide behind sunglasses. 

For my beautiful Valen’s birthday I held a very select evening (just 8 of us in total) in our cafe with Pie and Mash and cake from the other favourite cafe. He had been planning this as we hoped he would make it to Feb, which would have been the 6 months in their 3 to 6 month estimation. 
So I kept to his plan down to the flavour cake. Initially I asked them to leave off the piped Happy Birthday Valen on the cake. But at the last minute asked them to do it as after all, it was for his birthday.
It was a lovely bittersweet tearful but laughter filled night.

So I truely hope that today is ok for you and I will think of you looking out for dinosaurs along that Jurassic coast

I hope today goes OK for you today. Tears yes. It sounds like your doing something wonderful. Thinking about you, take care