Almost Five Years...

Pooka 23 days ago

12 replies
23 subscribers
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Hi to everyone on here,

It's been a while since I was last on this site and sadly I see many new names. I say sadly because that means so many more have lost a beloved partner to the cruel awfulness that is cancer.

Like many of you, I found comfort from 'chatting' with others on here, especially in the early months. People who genuinely understood my pain, anguish, guilt and desperation that haunts us as we grieve.

I lost my husband during the dark days of COVID restrictions. I nursed him with no help from anyone, his hospital appointments cancelled, no chemo visits! And the awful rules that meant I couldn't be with him for his last few days when he was finally moved to a hospice, other than a brief PPE wearing afternoon visit.

I wasn't allowed to be there to hold him as he passed away.

How lost and angry I felt, not just at losing my husband but at the system for their neglect. My grief was so raw, I was incapable of functioning properly and I felt like I never would again.

Looking back I see that I made mistakes in the early days following the loss of my husband. I allowed others to make important decisions for me... As a consequence I sold my house, moved 200 miles and my life changed dramatically.

I still miss my husband so very much, I think of him everyday, and the pain will never leave me.

But, to all of you who are newly bereaved I want to say.. It does get easier, you will learn to live with your loss, you will create little gestures and ways to remember your loved one. I have certain times of the day that means something to me.. times that I think of as "Mark time" and I smile if I look at the clock and I see unexpectedly it is saying that exact time, or if I happen to see the time expressed as a number written randomly.

On his anniversary I like to go away for a couple of days and visit somewhere that was meaningful to him. I scatter just a tiny amount of his ashes letting his adventurous spirit continue to travel.

I wish I could say it stops hurting.. but it doesn't. But, gradually you will realise you can think of them and not cry, but with a smile and laughter as you remember all the happy times you shared together.

Allow yourself to cry and to grieve but also remember to look after yourself and to live your life as your partner would want you to... Be kind to yourself x

Pooka 19 days ago in reply to PattyK

Hi Vicky

So sorry to read about the loss of your husband.

COVID truly made everything so much harder, not just during the lockdown months but for so long after when businesses tried to use it as an excuse for not doing their jobs to the standards that they should have. Like you, I also had to register my husband's death via a phone call.. only to find when the certificates arrived that they had made a mistake with the death date. They tried to charge me for the error but relented when they found the information sheet from the original phone call and admitted the mistake was theirs! I then had to physically go into the office as errors legally have to be changed in front of the person registering the death. All of which added to my stress and delayed matters.

I think at the time of losing our loved one there is so much to cope with that our grief gets sidelined. It is only later when everything is done, family and friends are getting on with their own lives... That is when our grief truly hits. The loneliness, the sadness, emptiness as special dates pass and underlines our heartache.

As your doctor says . There is no time limit on grief... We never fully get over our loss, we learn to cope, we find a new normal, we learn to live our lives, albeit differently.

Try to focus on the good things, such as your grandchildren, enjoy them, and as they get older look forward to telling them about their grandfather. By keeping his memory alive you will find it easier to think of the happier times you shared and gradually you will realise that although he is no longer physically with you, he will always be a part of you and your grief will hopefully become easier to manage.

Make time to look after yourself and take everything at the pace you feel is right for you.

Mim x

PattyK 19 days ago in reply to Pooka

Thank You Pooka! You sound like me when I am trying to give support to other people here. So the shoe is on the other foot for a change and someone is giving me advice. Yes start of August tomorrow so we will see what that month brings. Hoping things start to get a little bit better for me. Wishing you all well. Take Care.

Vicky x

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