6 months on this path

I hope you got up to the church today.

These past two days have been hard, if I'm honest. Hopefully a better day for all of us tomorrow. 

Actually I didn’t. I’ll go tomorrow. 
I was at my volunteering at The Musem today. 
Then went to mums and picked up my sister to drive her 20 mins home as she has broken her wrist! 
By the time I had done all that I could barely keep my head up. 
Utterly, utterly exhausted still from yesterday’s Mental Heath Nurse session. 

I did have a lovely chat with one of the volunteers whose husband went 2 years ago. 
She calls his passing “The Event”. As in The event that changed her world. 
I quite like that. So she said “It’s been just over 2 years since The Event”.
She said she still cries, just not as much.  
She still talks to him as it brings her great comfort and she still has most of his clothes. 

MrsVT , I know it takes a while for you to get some sleep. I hope you managed to get some. Sorry about your sister, I hope her wrist gets better. It sounds like your session went well. I hope it's helped.  Take care

So after a long walk along the prom, looking at the stalls for our carnival weekend, and sitting in our usual seat in the seafront gardens for an hour, I went to light my beautiful Valen’s candle. 
On the way I was hailed by the Father of the church (actually, impressed he remembers my name, he meets so many people), and had a chat, a few tears. 
When I got in the church there was a lady I used to chat to on the bus home from work once or twice a week for 2 years. She helped us when we went to the church for our first mass there. Me never having been to one and Valen last went 30 odd years ago. So a chat and tears with her. 
Then when I went to light his candle, the slot we, and then I, put his candle in was the only one free! 
Got home and 5 minutes later, just after I got the washing in, it poured. 
Then got an alert from local cinema who show ballets and operas from Covent Garden, that my mums favourite ballet is on 4 days before her 90th birthday, so booking it for us.

Everything has been good timing today. 
I cant help but think something will go wrong

I'm glad everything has gone well today.

You deserve it. The trouble is we all expect the other shoe to drop,now a days. 

Mine wasn't a good day. Had really busy weekend at work one on on hols so I kind of had to get my brain into gear and deal with things without the support and watchful eye of  my colleague. Found it all quite stressful I admit it was tough dealing with lots of people and questions and a few big purchases from the customers. However one was talking about her birthday early aug and I said my husbands is was then just started my eyes welled up. 

I apologised to her we had done the sale I briefly explained loss of my husband and she was lovely and offered me a hug. ! 

When they had gone I left the floor and went to swear out loudly in the yard away from everyone I was so angry with myself I am angry with myself for letting my guard down at work with a customer.

Needless to say I still feel angry annoyed fed. Up lonely 

Home now second cuppa and munched on some crisps god I miss my husband and my Sunday roast and his comforting arms when I return home. He would always make things ok for me and I just feel heartbroken as we all do. 

Do have a day off tomorrow and a counselling call later Monday  not much else planned.

Early night again soon would be watching the footy if my husband was here alone I just don't fancy it still haven't turned the actual tV on for months now. 

Probably got to stop this staring at the fan going round in silence there must be more to life than that with my ears ringing from tinnitus which I have in both ears exaggerated by added stresses! 

That's me done  feeling sorry for myself today  if I drunk id probably have a glass of wine or two and hope I'd knock myself out for the night. 

Xxx 

Yep. There we go. 
Over the last month I’ve been battling with NHS pensions to reset first my password. I left NHS so my NHS email was closed but the admin team kept sending password reset to that one. 
5 phone calls later and at last got my email changed and just had through password reset link. They asked for answer to security question. I 100% know the answer, not only because I have it written down. 
It won’t accept it and now locked out. 
Whats upset me is that the security question is “Where we went on honeymoon”

Not likely to get that wrong 3 times!

You are allowed to have bad days. Things do get through, no matter how hard we try.

I need the tv on or music playing  I need the noise. I am finding the loneliness hard at the moment. I don't drink either, never drank much and stopped totally when Sue got diagnosed. I had one on Christmas day for my dad,we arranged for the family to have a drink at a certain time. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

I’m another one for noise. 
As soon as I step in the door I have to put the radio on. 
I have podcasts playing throughout the night, so that whenever I wake up there is not the silence of him not snoring. 
I can’t bear the silent silence. 
Since he went there is a very different quality to the sound of silence. Do you find that?

To me the silence is deafening, and seems to be getting louder. It's just another thing we miss. I listen to audio books at night to help me sleep. It doesn't work on a Friday night. It's strange I didn't think I would miss her snoring. I wish I had tapped a I love you from Sue. I know what you are saying about the silence It's feels sadder.