Completely heartbroken

Used to love the winter months Heartbreak. Nothing better than Jay and I cosying up in our PJs and watching rubbish TV. Always had seasonal favourites to watch round about that time. So strange for me to watch them on my own now. This will be my 3rd winter without Jay (he passed in June 2023) things have got slightly easier but as said here already nothing is ever the same. The winter months suit me because you don't see anyone at that time as you said people stay in more. I quite like my own company and during the summer months you feel as if you should be out and about more. He was never one for Christmas could be a bit `bah humbug` about it all  but celebrated it in any case. I have my little granddaughter to focus on though and in November I will be welcoming my 2nd grandchild. All lovely and nice but bittersweet at the same time as Jay is not here to see it all. Wishing you well moving forwards. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Hi Toosoon. 

You do what is best for you. We would usually be away when it was Jay's birthday at our caravan we always timed it that we would be over there at that time and just celebrated it on our own. He wasn't into big celebrations either but nobody has come forward to me to ask anything like that and that just suits me fine. Come to think of it other than my direct family no one else in our extended family have come forward  and asked anything of how I am etc since his funeral but that's the way things go I suppose people just move on with their lives. My neighbours here are always asking after me and still wish I would ask them if I need anything so they think better of me than Jay's family. I hope you find a way to make hubby's birthday special on your own terms. Take Care.

Vicky x

I took a little step forward today wanted to share it’s strange I’ve got no one else to tell really that I want to tell.

I signed up for a begginners tennis course a few lessons till the end of August I used to knock a ball about with my husband before he became too ill neither of us any good but we had some fun.  Very nervous before hand but I did it and will return only a small group noone knew me apart from the coach knew my situation.  It was a little escape for a while but I now feel guilty and sad and we’ve all got a long boring evening ahead.

I found this more beneficial and actually enjoyable than the bereavement coffee experience I went to that’s for sure But you get home and can’t your tell your husband about it etc. He would have known I would never have done this before on my own. I’ve even got a stuffed chicken breast new potato’s and carrots for my supper so again a decent meal for a change for me. .Not quite my Sunday roast that I was so used to but I’ve made an effort today.   It won’t last I’m in bed now for a nap exhausted!! 

It has been 10 weeks for Ade. I’ve sat and watched the Grand Prix that we loved and the result is perfect for him.
It’s going to be another hard week next week as I will be meeting up with his cycling buddies and scattering some of his ashes (as per his request) at one of his favourite cycling spots. Then next month it is our wedding anniversary so I’ve booked a property in Windermere to scatter more (another request). 
The final requests were to scatter him at Silverstone (UK) and Monza (Italy) which are planned for next year. I am going to have to draw on all my strength for each of these events but it is what he wants so I will make it happen. 
I am dreading all the ‘firsts’ without him

Good for you Toosoon! Tennis sounds good. A good way to get all your anger and frustrations out too thrashing tennis balls back and forth. Used to play tennis when I was younger not competition or anything just me and a friend mainly for exercise. I get the same buzz when I go to the gym and you feel great after a workout it's just sometimes trying to actually get there for me though. That like tennis etc I believe release the `feelgood endorphins` and make you feel good about yourself after it. Good luck with the course hope it works for you. Take Care. 

Vicky x

You sound very organised I wish I was as decisive although I am finding I have to just make decisions now my husband  (12weeks ) I think would always be the decision maker and think things through a lot more than me. Oct is our wed anniversary I’m am thinking of getting away somewhere for three days or something or more don’t know where only close by.  Usually we would be abroad at that time then if we stayed in uk we would do air b n b but don’t know if I want that on my own.  I am volunteering on one day for MacMillan charity race event as I thought it would keep me busy and useful I hope! 
Lake District is lovely though we’ve went some years ago. 

The organisation was from my husband. He had planned the whole funeral as well, he had been a funeral director. 
Windermere was always our favourite lake so it will be bittersweet going back.
We used to be away several times a year so it will be different now. I might feel strong enough to go abroad on my own I’m not sure yet.
For your anniversary whatever you decide will be tough I’m sure.
I think volunteering sounds great and is something I might do in the future. 
Sending hugs and strength to you xx 

I’m a bit all over the place and I know from I’m not crazy it’s the grief! I know it’s early days but god it’s not easy is it? 
Bad night, early morning so got up and defrosted the freezer at 6am as I couldn’t relax. I Did at least remember to turn it back on today.  If he was here he would keep me grounded and safe and calm no way would I have defrosted at that time of morning it’s just stupid some of the things I’m finding I’m doing.  

Then Long story short but I booked a table for lunch at what I thought would be perfect on Wednesday as my husband’s brother is visiting invited my parents along also to find that mother is not happy about going there so now I have to organise something else. Why can’t I just be firm and say no we’re going where I booked! 

Then had my counselling call I don’t feel much better yet, lots of thoughts in my head lots of questions I need to ask lots of tears and more tears when I came off the phone. It’s is my husband’s birthday Friday I’ve made it clear I think to everyone that I need to be alone with him.  Do any of you write a card or letter to you loved ones on their birthday to mark the day . I talk a lot anyway to him as it is he knows what’s going on. Any other birthday ideas you can share with me ?  
work tomorrow so almost a normalish day ??????   No normal days though now 

My beautiful Valen’s birthday is Valentines Day. So we never celebrated then as all the places to eat went sky high price wise. 
Our wedding anniversary is the 12th Feb so we celebrate then. 
For this year, after he had finished radiotherapy and before his ruddy terminal diagnosis, he was planning a Pie and Mash night with a few very close friends at our cafe. Just 8 of us. 
So I carried out his plans and the same group had a lovely evening. Laughing, crying, reminiscing and making sure it was a celebration. 
We even had the birthday cake he had asked for.It was coming from our other favourite cafe which was winding down business. I asked them if they could do a cake and they initially said no. Until I said it was Valen’s birthday cake, then they said they would be honoured to do so.

i talk to him constantly throughout the day. Asking his opinion, telling him where and what I’m doing. Then when I eventually go to bed, I bring him into the bedroom from the conservatory and have a full daily debrief!

I keep reading this. Thank you.