More difficult to move on than I imagined

Well, I’ve gone ad put my name down to volunteer at The Fort for its children’s Halloween event on the 30th!
Never done anything like this before. It will involve dressing up and gently spooking the kids. 
They asked for volunteers at The Museum and most of them said yes. They all do it every year and say it’s a hoot. 
Most of the volunteers are now on their own and a great comfort to me. Being able to talk to them about their other halves who have gone and my beautiful Valen without feeling awkward about their reactions is - relaxing is the word that comes to mind.

So, emboldened by this, when I got home today, after 1 year and 2 weeks, I have moved Valen’s electric razor from the bathroom and put it in his bedside drawer. Couldn’t do the same for his toothbrush. A step too far right now.  
Then had a frenzied clean of the bathroom which I am pleased about as I’ve been to “can’t be bothered” to clean these last few weeks.

Another step x

That’s brilliant, it sounds like a lot of fun. It sounds like you are making some lovely new friends. I hope you have a decent dressing up box. 

Insanity  Kate

I agree last week I was on my own all week and saw no one sobbing hard every day decided this week would fill my days with people  coffee garden centre  etc but felt empty numb yes it made me go put but just kept thinking  shut up talking about the bulbs in the garden where your going to at Christmas  wanted to be with Simon buying Christmas  stuff coffee  holding hands. Got asked because  I met a few for arranging  dates in future  Christmas  markets sent text said no sorry every day is difficult  I can't  say how I will feel end of month hope you understand.  Sat here going through  Simon  phone hearing voice messages  to his sister oh my god Simon you really did suffer need to be alone and give in to grief  today

Well done You

Hope you have fun!

xx

I am so so sorry you are going through this pain. As we know, it ebbs and flows. I don’t know how many times over the last 14 months I have cried myself to sleep. You are doing the right thing to let it out. The raw grief is savage. Just go with it. Put your needs first. Sod everyone else. There are certain things that I still cannot do, it is too painful. At my worse times, I just acknowledge the pain and accept it. No one can take away your love for each other. Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx

'No-one can take away your love for each other ' -  agreed but one of the destabilising effects of grief I find is the questioning of that love. My husband was bipolar and probably ADHD. He had serious mental health difficulties with suicidal ideation that lasted for the first fifteen years of our marriage until he agreed to take his medication for the next twenty. That meant he was emotionally labile and at times would doubt whether he should have married me. He was not 'romantic' and I'm not sure he ever told me he loved me, apart from our wedding vows. He never treated me with other than lovingkindness, and we had a supportive and rewarding partnership, but I think the role of mental health in grief is perhaps underestimated. It's maybe not only the identity of the surviving partner that suffers but maybe the identity of the beloved lost one. He died quickly and unexpectedly so the sensitive conversation about whether I was a good wife and if he loved me  never took place. I delayed because I didn't want to hear a 'no'. I remain deeply in love with my husband and weep daily for his loss.

As we know, grief is an extremely complex subject. Each of our relationships is unique to that person, with different experiences. We agreed that we wouldn’t say “Goodbye, to each other”, as ultimately I will be buried with him. I am trying to sort the headstone and epitaph at the moment. I haven’t been able to do it, yet. Sending hugs to all. Kate.xxx