Everyone’s support troubles thoughts and honesty it does help you know it’s not just you feeling so low…

It’s such an odd situation. 
Logically I know he is not home when I walk through the door, yet I cannot help myself calling out my usual greeting of “only me”. And still catch my breath when there is no response.

I talk to him in his casket. Knowing he is not there (I don’t have that religious belief) yet feeling superstitious that if I don’t he will be sad. But logically I know he has gone. 

The habit of texting him asking if he’s in the train, or looking out the window up the road for him on a Thursday evening (he worked from home except Thursdays when he went to the office) is so ingrained it’s hard to stop. Then I just stand at the window and cry when the time he would appear at the top of the road passes. Yet I know he won’t appear.

Ive planted the usual chilli plants. Knowing I wont harvest them to add to cooking. Because for starters I’m not cooking - that’s my beautiful Valen’s domain, and also we grew them as he ate them with everything! I think he snuck them into everything he cooked trying to increase my tolerance levels.

I ask his opinion. Answer on his behalf. 
Speak of him in the present and past tenses. Even in the same sentence. 

I witnessed his traumatic passing. Stayed stroking his hand till it was cold and tucked it under the blanket as he hated to be cold. 
Saw him daily at the funeral place till his actual funeral. 
So I know he has gone. 
Yet still expect to see or hear or feel him .

I guess in time this will lessen. 
But I’m not sure I want ut to!

And yes, it’s aloneness not loneliness.
Which is hard to quantify or explain to others

That's a good description, I can relate to everything you've said here x

I love your descriptions Mrs VT that's a new one `aloneness` I will use that in future and sometimes aloneness can be good

Saw Docs the other day a different one who hadn’t the time to read the notes as to why I was there anyway given me my first ever supply of sleeping pills. Zopiclone I thought I may be able to sleep better can’t say I see any difference at the moment and that’s 4 days in!  

However, today I actually achieved a fair bit for me but I’m thinking ahead as next week have biopsy so can’t drive so will need at least some sensible food for myself.  Did go to bed at 4pm for my rest but couldn’t switch off at all so thought about what someone very kind said to me last week and I pushed myself to go for a walk around the block which is about 35 mins. This wasn’t easy as it was the stroll we did together often before my husband became ill. So dark glasses on no one can see my tears and I had a few along the way all the little places we stopped and talked and he rested God I miss him.!!!    I missed talking to him though and came home and wanted to talk so came on here. Just still feeling low emotional want a hug x

Hi, I think we all could do with a hug at the moment. 

 Friday night never sleep well. Up at 6am putting the washer on, went back to bed still could not sleep. So up again at 7 having a shower another long lonely day.

 I hope everything goes ok with the biopsy next week. Take care

Have to attend something  not wanting to go in the slightest apart from it’s not about me it’s a Celebratory big  anniversary. My fantastic husband won’t be there to support me and help me though it. I did a dress rehearsal and usually he would be my fashion advisor saying which dress or shoes looked better, he would iron my jacket if it needed or something he was so lovely . He knew I would always need support with such things and kept a close eye out for me in case I have a funny turn or panic attack. We would attend then always be glad to get home .I don’t want to spoil tomorrow’s occasion I’ve got to put that brave face on and I certainly don’t want to get upset and spoil it . stay calm stay cool and don’t cry that will be amazing if I can manage that …..

I am worried and do get stressed about such occasions and that’s on top of grieving. I have to be brave and strong ‘I know he would be saying don’t know what your getting so stressed about it will be ok’ 

if only he was able to be there with me …I can’t keep thinking that way though can I?

hes gone I don’t want to let go,I don’t like this new world we’re living in and enduring without each other. The amount of times we said love you throughout the day and at night I say it him still daily just don’t hear it said back anymore.

thats it crap sat night crying again! As probably most of you have been….throughout today too! 

Is it something you absolutely really really have to go to?  
Would they understand if you don’t go? 
Understand that you are in the throes of grief and loss.
Is there someone you can stick fairly close to. Almost buddy up. 
And lastly is it something you could show your masked face to for an hour and then quietly leave? 

Oh, and another last thing… I have a stress stone I keep in my bag or pocket. 
I have used it when I went to a quiz night, a friends art exhibition a music event etc.
I have had to use it out shopping and I usually need it at least once on walks. 
It’s just a rose quartz, very roughly in the shape of a heart, that I can hold and rub and run between my fingers when I feel panic rising or deep sadness when out or confused.
It’s a distraction technique to give me time to breath and centre myself. 
It usually, not always, works.

I hope that whatever you do, you get through. 
Sending an extra hug x

Thank you like the idea of that stone I had thought about taking my little tin in with husband in my bag. Then thought maybe that was wrong. It's my parents, 65th so have to go small get together and a posh meal so at least on the positive side I get a decent meal and won't be scoffing alone that I dislike so much. 

As you can see sleeping tablets not working! 

I am up too, it is always around 4am that I wake. I have to get up, as I can’t bear to stay in bed. Coffee time, and quiet music. I went to an Anniversary Party last night for a close friend. It was better than I thought it would be, and I was able to talk about my darling Paul, without crying. A friend suggested that I have a party, as I have a decent garden. Initially, I thought, “No Way”. Now, it is something to think about. It could be a “Thank you” party. Also, our son’s birthday is on the 15th August. The funeral was on the 16th August, I would rather his birthday is not always linked to his Dad’s death. Sorry, I am rambling. I am just thinking things through. Kate.xxx