Ranty rant rant!

Just want to vent. Monday afternoon I took in a parcel for a neighbour, one of them who said the would keep a eye on me. Who only knock on my door if I have parcel. 

They asked me how I was. ? I said so,so. They gave me a look that said still grieving and said I need to move on. It was only 6 months ago, that might seem like a long time to you,but to me it was yesterday. I got my heart torn out of me. Well it feels like every morning. 

I'm still a pariah, no visitors since Sue's funeral, six months on Sunday. Going through a stag of blaming myself, but all I can think of what I've done wrong is loose my wife. 

Rant over.

What do they know ? They sound as though they may need brain transplants. I am a permanent member of “The Pariah Club”, too. Today, one of my husband’s friends came to help with some new light fittings. He would not make eye contact with me, I think he thought I would have a meltdown or something. He would only engage with our son. It was hysterical. We all used to sit at the pub, early doors and chat for hours. I really do think people are frightened of the bereaved. Rant over. We are here for you. Kate. Xxx

Well done for volunteering again….

I was on my way back from a walk this evening sounds good but I felt I had to get out and clear my head it doesn’t work though….before my counsellor call this evening. I saw a neighbour from a distance putting his bins out who I have avoided speaking with they were so hard to get away from once you started talking I really can’t be bothered with them my husband was much nicer than me and would pass the time of day when he had to.  So fortunately I nipped down the alley way and had to divert round the back and avoided him so I didn’t need to speak!!! Plus a longer walk for me.

It didn’t clear my head though got a bit anxious before my call cried most of the way through it again but it’s “all part of the grieving process “ I hate the grieving process I am not the person I was. 

it’s exhausting I don’t feel I have moved on, I don’t want to but I know I have slowly started to I just need my old life and routine back and I’d be happy again. 

I have found more kindness from people on here and people I don’t know than ones I do know and did know. 

Toosoon,

  You are still early on this path. I got told by someone yesterday I was still early at just over six months. 

 I am afraid and I want the person back as well. That person went with are loved one. I can actually smile again,not for right long.

The moving on bit is scary. We are worried we are letting them go, but we are not. We are just adapting to a new horrible life.

Take care

We take them with us They are deep in our hearts and souls. That will never change. Kate. Xxx

I find I'm quite comfortable with being a pariah. My late husband's siblings were cruel and abusive towards him in life, and in his dying months ignored him, knowing how much it would hurt him. His twin brother didn't see him for the five years he was ill, despite living in the same town, and didn't respond to his emails for three years. Yet he still turned up to his funeral, to eat, drink and be domineering. I think it's that death reveals who people really are, whether cruel and bullying, cold and insensitive, or embarrassed and uncomfortable. They can also be kind and empathetic.  Add your own combinations. I comfort myself with the fact that now my beloved is dead, I don't need to have anything to do with his family (and nor do my children - their choice). At least your husband's  friend came to help? As for visitors: not a one. Deathday anniversary next week.

How hateful of your husbands family!

Death reveals a persons real face I have found.  
Another combination - overcompensating and clingy - a friend who I now avoid would make a beeline for me, sit next to me, take my hands without a second thought, look deep into my eyes and say, very dramatically “How are you dearly? Still in that dark place? It will pass” then sit and answer for me! A real friend told her to back off a bit. 
Another combination - The “I know what your going through” and get over it non-friends - I have mentioned in the past that this particular person in mind said they understood as they had recently lost their horse!!!!!!!! But it’s ok. She’s got a new one.

Another - The squeeze of the shoulder, slight nod but no words and quiet support. This from someone we know, but used to gently laugh at (not in a nasty way), who came across as slightly selfish. But his acknowledgment of my crying, a light touch on my shoulder and a quiet calming presence has surprised me immensely.

Oh. And the hijackers and dismissive.

”Well when my mum / best friend / father in law / dog passed it was a blessing / they had a good innings / was in a better place” 

“I was back to normal within a few months / was able to move on after the funeral. Aren’t you back at work yet? Why don’t you move if it’s so hard going home?  
And , one of my favourites. NOT. “Well you can start eating meat again now” (we were vegetarians but when Valen was first diagnosed we started eating meat again. But this os called friend hadn’t noticed)

Yes, it was kind of him, and I did say thank you. Your husband’s family sound a nasty bunch. I am so sorry you both had to go through that. Kate. Xxx

This resonates deeply with me: I cannot console myself with the idea that I can be 'moving on', with the implication that I'm leaving my beloved behind. 

This is so very insightful and gives me a new way at looking at the grievous loss we have suffered. Thank you.