Ranty rant rant!

We had an allotment for about 25 years. I find that fellow allotmenteers are very comforting as many of the older people have lost their spouses but are comfortable about asking  how I am, or those who haven't, are able to chat about growing veggies. What I didn't expect is that when my husband died, I also lost my sense of affirmation and confidence. At least on the allotment I can check  what I'm doing.

Spot on with the loss of confidence!
I know I can do stuff such as getting new home insurance, getting petrol, going shopping. 
Even cooking a little meal or mowing the lawn. 
But doing things on my own, without Valen’s guidance or calming influence, is now so incredibly difficult. 
Things I have done on my own before when he stayed overnight in London for work. 
But then I knew that he was at the end of the phone if I was unsure of something.

Your allotment group sound like a good set to be around.

I am so sorry, your husbands family are so awful. 

• People continue to be unbelievable and not follow through on promises. It's hard not to pay them any mind but you don't need to explain yourself. Your feelings and reality are real and valid.

I've thought that too when I've asked myself what I've done wrong, nothing, apart from losing my love. Sad.

Fellow pariah x

Wow...that is hysterical. Maybe they think we're contagious! Ridiculous 

The confidence thing is real,  even in the smallest things. It's unbelievable, even the things I did before without thinking now cause me anxiety, never mind all the new things I have to do without him. It's like I have to think about everything before doing it, constantly second guessing myself then berating myself. It's so frustrating. I guess we're constantly on high alert and in fight or flight. Exhausting. Who am I anymore? Hate it. I also seem to have developed the belief that I don't deserve anything nice or good anymore like I'm not worthy. What the hell is that?

Hi PBD7,

 The confidence and loss of it. Is another thing I don't think people understand. We have lost are safety net on top of everything else. It took me about 5 months to buy a piece of my favourite cake,because I felt guilty even looking at it. When I came to eat it I cried.  A piece of cake reduced me to tears. I have since got myself a cd and a book, both made me feel guilty and sad, but not as bad as that piece of cake. No I have not bought a vanilla custard since.

Take care

I totally hear you. What a way to live and be....people have no idea...

Take care too, maybe the next time you fancy a vanilla custard you can buy one in honour of your wife knowing she'd love you to enjoy it. Sometimes I'll say that to myself and it feels slightly less awful  x

How about a jam donut, instead ? Kate.xxx

I have got some jaffa cakes. Cake or biscuit ?