I Have decided to get a DNR order

I understand. You get to choose. My husband passed on the 4th of August, and he had a DNR. It is a personal decision. We have two adult children, and I will be doing the same. My role is to protect and guide them where I can. At times, this has been incredibly difficult as I have been lost in my own grief. The one gift I can give them is to be a responsible mother. Kind regards, Kate. Xxx

hi kate

thank you its just been so hard.I have decided to try and push a little harder in trying change my mind set right and it will take me right out of my comfort zone but ive got to try because now i am swing badly from being kinda positive to totally destroyed.And ive got to make sure every thing is in place for martin hes the most important person right now.This morning destroyed me at about 8.00ish this martin was calling for his mum in his sleep and this went on for about 20 minutes its just broke me in to bits and ive just got to make sure things are sorted because i cant put martin and jade through this once was bad enough hes only 19 and a young 19 we have been over protective with martin so hes a young 19 year old.And i understand you.Cveti had a DNR as well.And the moment cveit died i just to do CPR but i could not for the first time in my life i was totally powerless and not at.Then in the next few least try that was reallly hard even has i write this its hard the emotion is so strong and not in the good way.in truth i cant see the woods for the trees iam just on instinct.i just feel like a shell empty nothing left but some how ive got to try and push things back.but every move just seems to take more out me.sorry my head in just messed up never felt like this.i Hope you find some kinda of peace but if cant i really understand.Take care Xxx  

Hi!

Jay was actually advised to sign a DNR. Because he had got sepsis a few times they said his internal organs may not tolerate ressusitation so when his 3rd bout happened and he was admitted to resus again the clinician came round and spoke to him and said if it happened again and his heart gave out it would more or less be pointless trying to bring him back as there would more or less be organ damage they actually saw him going on the 3rd bout but for some reason he pulled through I was told to be prepared to gather family together but he made it that time.  So as I have posted here previously it was on his 4th bout of sepsis along with his advancing cancer which they could eventually do nothing about that finally took him two years ago. This is nothing I have thought about so far but it will come to a point at some time but I'm not ready to take that decision just yet. Wish you all well. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Hi Julian, I had to dig into my inner resilience really deeply to find the strength to support our adult children. They are 27 and 32 years, so not young. However, they had never been through anything as savage as this before. They helped care for my husband Paul at home, in the lead up to his death. We are a very close family, and they are still at home. My daughter had to take a couple of months off work, and had counselling. My son tends to try and deal with his grief on his own. They have both heartbroken. They have both had horrible nightmares and flashbacks. How could they not ? May I recommend at book that is genuinely helping me. It is called, “It is ok, not to be ok,” by Megan Devine. You can get it Amazon. It talks about the truth of grief, and what we need to survive. The author’s partner died in a swimming accident, aged 40. I tend to read it in the middle of the night, when the pain gets too much. Sending hugs, Kate.xxx

hi kate i know what you mean i am having to dig harder than i ever have  had to i keep getting that  felling of been to the well to many times but some how got to keep pushing through.every day is a mountain climb but the peaks seem higher every day i understand that you know that feeling.i will give that book a look.my sleep is all over the place not good like last night or this morning i feel a sleep at about 4.00am ish i was awaken by 8.15am as my alexa device that reminds me its time to take my tablets goes mental lol and my youngest cat comes up stairs and demanding breakfast.the flash backs are nasty and that really plays with my PTSD.and my mind got a bit more twisted out of shape because when i saw cveti out the corner of my eye on friday while shopping.stop me in my track had to do a proper get a grip thing.i am so sorry kate for what you have been through.i know you heard that 100 times over but and its a Big But that was not easy.the night before cveit died the nurse who stayed over night who was so good she said this is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done.i knew it but when it hit. ive never felt pain like it this is some thing we understand.ive never felt so powerless in my whole life its crazy.Some said to me the other night that you feel to much and in my head i said you dont know .Thank you kate sending the hugs back xxx p.s sorry for the slow reply forgot to hit reply and went and did the washing up 

Hi Julian, the person that said, “You feel too much”, is very insensitive and judgemental. How would they know what you are going through ? I have had to ‘let” certain friendships go, as they can’t seem to adapt to my new reality. Comments like, “You are in a strange place”, “You can now meet someone else.” Nobody tells me how to feel. On the other hand, I have met three new friends and they understand, and are very supportive. Sorry for my rant. I hope you managed to get some sleep last night. Kind regards, Kate. 

I got this book on my kindle Kate. I've started reading it but that's as far as its got. I used to read a lot and now it just comes in notions but its there to go back to. My sister reads a lot and I gave her Jay's kindle and she is always coming back to me to put books on for her. I'll probably read more of it when the notion takes again. Take care

xx

evening kate no need to say sorry i totally get what you are saying and it was not the best thing they could of said.I will never let any one tell me how i feel i know how i feel weather they like it or not.yeah ive had to let some people go because they just dont get it.I have some comments like you have had & these people just dont really have clue but enough of them.I must admit a friend popped out of the blue last week and has been supportive but is all so is grieving as they lost mum and they where very very close and are not in the best of health them selfs.i all so promised this person that i would make more effort to reach out and talk about it more and that linked in to todays counselling as my therapist said its when iam on my own that the darkness really slams back in and says i really just to need to keep talking but talking to the right people think  ive worked that one out at least kinda lol and the truth be know iam really not good at talking and cveti 3 times begged me not to be on my own as she said you will destory yourself from the inside.i knew what she meant cveit used say i was like doctor who should never been on your own lol.And i am going to do my best to keep that promise.I was told about something called chatty table they do it in a coffee shop in durham city where for 2 hours every tuesday and saturday between 12.00pm-2.00pm part of the coffee shop is sectioned off and all the people in there are talking about the lose of there loved ones and partners and i been told that all sorts of ages of people are there as only being 52 the local community group just a cross the road from me where i do more the last few days all the people that go are in there 70s 80s i mean thats fine but its good to talk to people of similar age ish.i know its good to talk to any one that has been through this & not many of our friends have.And talk here i think is kinda helping there just so much still going on that at times i dont get time to take every thing in at once and talking to has been nice as well as i see you really do understand and thats nice thank you.i dreamed of cveti last night all i remeber is we talked and i kinda felt ok this morning for about 30 minuets then the rollercoaster start again.Hope you had a kinda ok day x

Hi Julian, I have had a bit of a mad day. I took our border collie to the beach. He ran in and out of the sea, chasing birds and pebbles. The tide was out, and it was beautiful. He was soaking, but it was up-lifting. I then had to sort some financial stuff, as I am re-structuring our finances. Then our son is having four wisdom teeth out, so we needed to go through all the medical stuff. I managed lunch at about 3pm. Then passed out on the bed for a couple of hours. it sounds like you are starting to think about interacting more. That is helpful, as to keep it all inside is horrendous. Yes, we do have to choose carefully the people we let into our lives, as we are vulnerable. Have you considered in the future getting a pet ? Dogs in particular show unconditional love. Try to keep posting on here if you can. Everyone is so supportive. Kind regards, Kate. X

sounds like it was a bit of a mad day.4 wisdom teeth out not much fun.i had it done a few years back i remember well.I have 2 cats one male one female both about 12 years old they have been a great comfort at times my male cat has taken to sleeping where cveti used sit in the kitchen they both still come up stairs and go in to our walk in wardrobe and go to where cveti clothes are and smell them then a few minutes later go back down stairs my my female cat spends more time just watching the garden.cveti spent a lot of time in her garden was her pride and joy next to family,iam going to keep trying post here ive got to try at least to interact a bit more i cant sit in the dead end got to try something even if its the last kinda thing i try i owe it to martin,jade,cveti. X