Now without my wife

Hi, I am new to the forum and wanted to share our story. After struggling with gastrointestinal issues for a few months, my wife of 26 years was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in June 2024. After a number of procedures, cycles of chemotherapy and immunotherapy, she unfortunately lost her battle in March 2025. During this 8 month span, she spent about 5 months in and out of the hospital. I spent every day in the hospital with her and would only come home to sleep. Her passing was not unexpected however it's really hard to be alone.

We have two wonderful children in their 20's and they are struggling along with me. It has been an incredibly tough time as I try and cope with losing my best friend, my partner and the woman I intended to grow old with. The house is quiet and I frequently struggle to figure out how to spend my time. Although I have a typical Monday through Friday work schedule, the evenings and weekends are challenging. I think about her all of the time. 

My wife and I were not overly social and preferred spending time at home together or enjoying a meal out. She was a few years away from retirement and I was so excited for her to be able to spend her time as she would choose.We could go hours without talking but we always knew we there for each other. Being in our early 50's, it's hard to think about the next 30+ years without her by my side as I try and tackle the years ahead. Although I would provide my opinion of places we wanted to vacation, what activities to do for the weekend, or what to eat for dinner, I often had no strong preference. Now, every decision is on me and I often think about what she would want..

Our kids have been incredibly supportive but I also want to ensure they get the support they need. It's so hard for me to think about the milestones they have in the future without their mom being there. During their childhood, we always made it our top priority to be at every event, game, etc. and it allowed us to have a very strong sense of family. I know we will create new memories but it is so painful to realize it will be without her.

I had been searching for ways to express my sadness and share our story but also look to others that have been through a similar experience. I cry often when I think about the good times we had and the times we will never be able to have due to this disease. I've not been through anything like this and would never wish it upon my worst enemy. I don't know how to think my future at the moment but I try and get up each morning and make the best of it. I know my wife would have wanted me to do so..