18 months on…..

Hello Lexis.

Your post just reads like my story only I am only weeks away from the `2 year mark` and yes to everything you have described some days you just don't want to go out and see anything or anyone and just hide away. My husband Jay and I were together for 40 years and quite a shock to they system when that someone by your side all those years is no longer there. He fought bowel cancer for 2 years at one point going into remission and then it came back only months later after being told they had got it all and decided it wasn't leaving without him a 2nd time. Yes the guilt thing of not actually doing anything I do get that too. The first year for me was ok-ish! I think the first year it is still sinking in that they have actually gone but this year the 2nd has somehow seemed that bit harder I think that it is now the realisation that they have in fact gone and this is it you're on your own now. My son and daughter in law live not far from me and I have a little granddaughter and just found out I am to be grandmother again for the 2nd time around about the end of this year- dates times of arrival etc have not been finalised as yet. My son and my daughter in law got married back in February this year and it was a lovely day but just that bit bittersweet that his dad wasn't there but in saying that my daughter-in-law's mother also passed last year from stomach cancer so they both didn't have a parent present on their day. I have a little dog a Border Terrier called `Jack` and he is my `wee pal` he's my reason to get up in the mornings. When Jay was in hospital in his final days I asked the nursing staff if I could take Jack in to see him as Jay was missing him (he was his dog) and they agreed but by the time I had arranged to take him in Jay had passed and never got to see Jack before he went which was sad. Just keep coming here when you feel you need to as we all `get it` and are all on that same lonely journey. My best wishes to you moving forwards. Take Care. 

Vicky.

Thank you so much, Vicky. It means a lot to have lovely and kind people respond on this website. I am so sorry for your loss, but I’m glad you have Jack to help you keep going. It’s a bit the same for me as with four cats it’s rather like Downton Abbey, with the cats as the gentry and myself as the humble butler. Very best wishes.