Not belonging

Thank you so much for this insight into the reality of grief. This is exactly how I have been feeling since the passing of my husband last August. I am finding it very difficult to relate to friend’s, and people I know. Their day to day banality, and general neediness is draining. The confusion and disconnection is real, and I have been questioning what is wrong with me. I am keeping social interaction to a minimum, as I get very irritable and sometimes angry. It feels like my emotions are too close to the surface, and my patience has gone. Any advice would be appreciated. Kind regards, Kate. Xxx

I'm exactly the same. I saw another quote the other also saying how intolerable the world is and how everything feels louder.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice but sometimes seeing posts like these just makes you feel like it's not just you, even if it doesn't change anything. Confirmation that you're not losing your mind I guess...

Take care x

Hello, I’ve not posted on here for a while, been going through an awful 5 weeks starting with 3 consecutive days of really bad family news, triggering flashbacks, screaming nightmares, basically a complete breakdown.

Been seeing my wonderful GP for an hour every couple of weeks, mental health nurse alternate weeks. Been diagnosed with Complex/Traumatic grief with probable PTSD, currently on waiting list for therapy, but seeing them until it starts.

I am aware of the refugeingrief site – I have the book “Its OK to Not be OK” by Megan Devine, who runs the site. It is by far (for me anyway) the best book I have got on handling extreme grief.

Ms Devine was (I believe) a clinically trained therapist in the US who specialised in grief/bereavement for 10 years. Then, in 2009 she witnessed her partner drown in an accident, and could not reach him, could do nothing to save him. (Similar in a way I suppose to the many of us who have been unable to save our loved ones)

She briefly describes how she completely broke while dealing with her grief, and after a couple of years wanted to write to everyone she had counselled over 10 years to say “I’m so sorry, now I get what you meant”.

The book is broken into sections, from the initial gut searing anguish in the first days, then weeks, then months/years. Descriptions on how grief affects the mind, the consciousness, the body (sleeping all day or not at all, eating everything or nothing, brain fog, confusion, panic attacks). How to deal with "well meaning" friends, advice on helping others who are grieving. 

Ideas on how to cope, all from practical experience from herself or people who now attend her bereavement courses (and some of the quotes from them are amazingly inspiring). How its OK to drive an hour to the nearest town so you can shop anonymously (which I do weekly to avoid the "so how are you today" questions in the village shop) no-one knows me so it doesn't matter if I have a breakdown as I automatically pick Annes favourite bottle of wine, then put it back as its no longer needed.

Debunking the “5 stages of grief” (and explaining how the author of initial research which led to this has criticised the interpretation), debunking the “If you are still grieving after 6 months then there is something wrong with you”. The practical steps are starting to help me now, far more than any other book (and I have lots of them)

I have so many sentences, passages and pages underlined, highlighted, bookmarked that after 3 months it is almost falling apart. There are so many quotes I could give, but don’t have the space, but I will just have one from the first page.

Here is what I want you to know : this really is as bad as you think. …. This sucks. What has happened cannot be made right. What you have lost cannot be restored. There is no beauty here…...

You are in pain. It cant be “made better”…………….

The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain that you cannot be cheered out of.

You don’t need solutions. You don’t need to move on from your grief. ….. You need someone to just hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life.

Some things cannot be “fixed”. They can only be carried………..

You are not crazy. Something crazy has happened, and you are responding as any sane person would.

Megan Devine, “Its OK to Not Be OK”

I would advise anyone grieving to try to get it from your local library to see if it would suit you, otherwise available from usual online sellers, price about £12

Thank you. I will look it up. Kate.xxx

Sorry to hear of your awful few weeks. It seems horrible things just keep piling on top of our devastating grief, that's what I've found anyway, just no let up.

I have this book but am only a few pages in as I'm struggling to concentrate on reading like I used to. I will persevere as it does sound good, it's the reason I bought it!

I have ordered it, too. I have an open mind to anything that might help. 

The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain that you cannot be cheered out of.

This is so true! 
I do things that are enjoyable - Craft at our cafe, the museum, going for woodland walks, gardening, local concerts with my sister. 
And I do enjoy them in that moment. 
But they don’t make me happy if that makes sense. 
Because when I manage to step over the threshold the silence, the emptiness, the reality slams into my heart again. 
And though I tell my beautiful Valen about it, the numbness soon returns.

I keep being invited to quizzes, girls nights out, events.  
But I turn them down as it’s to exhausting trying to be “normal” and so damn hard not bursting into tears and putting a downer on it all. 
I understand that my friends and family mean well, have my best interest at heart, are trying to jolly me up.
That they hate seeing me unhappy, so sad, depressed.
I know the invites have already started to dry up, which I am grateful for. 

But it’s to painful to do things without him.

I can relate to this a lot. I just wonder some days to myself `What is the point`? but I get out of bed and get on with it. I certainly feel that I don't belong anywhere anymore. I do try my best to keep moving but as I said sometimes I just wonder what for. Two years almost since Jay passed (next month June) and where I do feel I have moved on only very slightly I still feel I have some way to go. These last few weeks I have been feeling this a lot but I am putting it down to the build up of  the anniversary of Jay's passing. Bes wishes to you all. 

Vicky xx

Hi there, thank you so much for your recommendation for the book. I am on Chapter 5, and already feel a lot calmer. I am now questioning all of the existing perceptions of grief. A complete change of mindset. I feel validated, and can feel my strength coming back. I shall continue to read and learn. Kate. Xxx