Feeling Low

I hate Friday nights too. Not as much sleep as I had hoped for awakening at the same silly times regularly despite trying sleeping pills. I have worked through the first pack on the lowest dose so I will start to double the dose and see it that helps instead. If not there’s no point me taking them !

Made a plan throughout the night I would walk to my local lidl but just a little too far at the mo then thought I’d try a bus and planned a couple of routes as I can’t drive currently then thought sod it I really can’t be bothered and don’t need anything will await my Hello Fresh first food delivery later. Never tried that one but not eating what I should be so treated myself to 5 meals for two people (that’s a laugh] but I can cook or freeze it accordingly. 

Will try to get a gentle walk in though before it gets too hot. 

I totally agree even just hanging washing out gets to you as half the clothes are missing that we’ve hung out weekly must say the ironing is a little easier though. 
I’ve been turning my mobile on silent sometimes as I can then be selective about who I answer to and when I answer as sometimes I’ve been crying and it’s hard to disguise. As I’ve said before I try to show that I’m ok and not struggling to family occasionally have a moment with them but it’s on here I can just be honest and say what’s happening.

Yep, the first wash did me in as well. 
None of my beautiful Valen’s t.shirts or pants. 
Really knocked me, another visual reminder, like we need one!

After 9 months, my eating is still very hit and miss. 
1 day it can be a tube of Pringles, the next a bowl (or 2) of cereal, the next a quiche with potatoes and salad. 
My Valen did 99.9% of the cooking as he loved doing it. 
Now I just can’t bear the thought of it.

The lack of post is getting me at times as well. 
Valen was always ordering “stuff” with deliveries several times a week. 
He was on first name terms with the Evri lady  and postman. 
Now it’s just Specsavers or To The Occupier.  
The recycling bin instead of being full is now not worth putting out.

And the same with the phone. 
Just mobile, no landline thankfully. But I choose to ignore lots of messages and calls. 
I think we are nearly all doing the same with sparing our families our grief. Hiding it from them. Hiding how it’s still so painful, confusing, raw. 
I do let the Stepford Wife mask slip sometimes when it’s just to exhausting to keep in place. And I know it shocks them. But they have all let me be and comforted me as best they can. 
I am lucky that they no longer use the old platitudes. Just hold me till I can get that mask back on.

I get all of that MrsVT. 

Only thing is its reverse for me I was the one always ordering `stuff` and Jay used to go nuts every time something came to the door and it was `what have you bought now.?? This still went on after he passed and I think it was just the initial grief that made me do it until I realised I had to stop and I was buying just for the sake of it to make me feel better and realised the funds were just not there now to just buy things on a whim. Now I just buy something if I need it.  I can actually get just about 3 weeks worth of rubbish in our green bin now (they go out every 3 weeks) whereas before I had to use other bins to put bags of rubbish in until I had space. Yes my washing machine is not on as much as it used to be either and it's just all my clothes now and I can have a couple of loads done in a couple of days for the week. Just miss so much now even after 2 years. Take Care. 

Vicky x

We are lucky my mum lives just 10 minute walk away as our recycling bin was always so full of packaging we had to use hers! And we used our next door neighbours as she was an older lady on her own. 

I still have my beautiful Valen’s email account active. I’ll close it after I’ve sorted the last few accounts out. 
At first I was fielding dozens of emails daily.  
Unsubscribing to this and that, changing things to my email. 
Now it’s just those apple ones I haren’t sorted and a couple of others I can’t reply to. 
So even though the awfulness of replying to them has gone, it makes me sad that he no longer has all this correspondence. 
All these companies no longer have him on their books. 
He no longer exists to them.
And that makes me sad as well.

I know how you feel.

I went to the butchers, asked if I can use Sue's loyalty card( nothing fancy a pork pie & sausage roll). They said they can change the name on it. I said not at the moment, I have taken Sue's name of enough stuff. Got outside and the tears started. 

Like everyone I am really missing her. Take care

Hope you manage to enjoy your treats I love a sausage roll and pork pie my husband originally from Yorkshire loved a pork pie mushy peas and mint sauce. He treated me one day in the cow and calf in the Yorkshire moor  for this one misty day.
Happy memories god I’m upset to now. A strange concoction but it works!

Off to work soon 
Hope your day improves a little for you.

I still get occasional emails for Jay too MrsVT. It comes with the `Hello James` (that was is proper name) so I just `unsuscribe`. Best about it he never had an email address and always used mine. Was never internet savvy. Yes my downstairs neighbour and I use each other's bins as well. They lined the bins up so that they are more or less at their front door and asked if I was ok with that and I said yes it was fine it's only a couple of bins. In the past that would have annoyed me but now its just like `whatever`. They are on the driveway and my car sits at the top of the driveway and they have the front garden which they put in a car porch for their car so it works. We've got a green bin, blue bin, black bin and purple bin  purple for glass (mine is hardly full) black for cans/plastic bottles/plastic wrap cartons and carrier bags. Blue for paper and cardboard and green for general household waste. Piece of nonsense all these bins we are more or less doing the council's job for them having to separate all these. Luckily I get on ok with my neighbours you need to in these flats walls are like cardboard and you hear everything- and I mean `everything` but what can you do when you don't have the means to start again somewhere else? It's a roof over my head if nothing else. 

That's a Yorkshire delicacie. As a Yorkshire man, you can't beat it. We had it many a time,esp in winter.

Hope you're OK.

I had a pretty good day today.

Renewed the home insurance. First time doing it myself. Fortunately the ever practical beautiful Valen had gone through it with me last year and printed it out so I could pretty much follow his answers. 
The hard bit was reducing the contents value as there is now no extra computer stuff for him working from home. And none of his high spec tech stuff. 
But I did it and proud for doing so. 
Then a productive day volunteering. 
Long chat with brother and sister in law who I’m going to stay with next month over the unbelievablely already 1 year on from that life changing moment. 
Then a lovely, now 3 times a week, evening walk with a neighbour, a new friend, who is mid chemo for metastatic cancer and her dog. 

Then I ate something my tummy didn’t like. Must be the bread as I don’t think the carrot or apple was the culprit. 
Horrid painful stomach pains and cramping. Sorry to be graphic, but wasn’t sure if was going to p** or vomit, so sat on toilet with a bucket, sweating feeling faint.

Oh for my love! He would have stood over me with a fan keeping me cool. He would have clipped my hair up out the way. He would have got me water to sip. He would have made soothing noises. like he has before when my tummy flairs up.
He would calm me, reassure me and just plain loved me.

Im mostly ok now. 
But can I focus on any of the good day above? Heck no. 
So feeling really down and fed up and wide awake.

Hi bad luck it’s awful when your feeling ill and your husband is not there with you I hope things ease enough for you to get some proper rest. 

I’m wide awake now too so much for the caffeine free passion flower sleep tea I tried from Aldi it’s actually quite tasty but it didn’t work. Took it at 9pm slept for a couple of hours only now I’m back on the hard stuff Yorkshire tea. 

It will hopefully while away an hour or so. 
I think Im just a little bit worried about tomorrow today now I have a family bbq to attend only locally quite an event actually my nephew and his girlfriend throwing a party in his new flat and wants everyone there that’s strange enough anyway as we hadn’t seen him for about a year.

Even this afternoon I couldn’t doze I got up and walked earlier than I normally do and was ok till my peace was shattered and I I had my mother on the phone on my walk for ages. 

I did a very small shop, did my bedding washed and ironed a little bit of housework not much but quite an accomplishment in my life nowadays so why can’t I sleep

I’m blaming it on the steroids I was put on two weeks ago also but today I can reduce to 40 mg but so far there has been no improvement in my kidney symptoms just a slightly fatter face and a little weight gain! 

I slept well when my husband was with me a proper good night’s sleep oh to have those nights back with him.  Xxx  Even if he did take up half my bed space at times.!! I miss him so much it’s just so difficult without him trying to function normally and exhausting and being awake at this time doesn’t help