A strange week.

Hi!

Yes still `early days` for you and I get the `well meaning` suggestions that people think you should be `doing things` and indulging in some hobby or other. You will, but you'll do when you're ready. I had all that people more or less telling me what was good for me `bla-de-blah`. I'm just over 18 months in from losing my husband Jay to bowel cancer and I feel that I have started moving forwards be it only slightly I have had to deal with looking after my older sister who has mild learning difficulties and the irony is that two months after Jay passed she got diagnosed with bowel cancer too after doing a home screening test. Her's was caught very early though so it was easier to treat and she was taken in in October 2023 and got the op to cut out the small tumour and has since been making a good recovery. Now though, it is her heart that is giving her problems she has a leaking valve which needs to be replaced so we still take trip to and from the hospital no word as yet when this op will be though. 

I still have my dark days/weeks where I feel I don't want to be anywhere or do anything and just can't be a**ed but I just go with them now and like unwelcome visitors they eventually leave and I can plod on again. My eating habits have changed drastically too. I'm more of a ready meal for one these days and the microwave has become a good friend but the oven still gets a look in now and again. Jay was a proper `foodie` and loved cooking he would cook for an army even though it was only us two after our son left the house. Think he thought everyone ate like he did. He was a `big bear` of a man but to see him become reduced to how he finally ended up from what he was was heartbreaking. I put my earphones on as well to listen to my ipod now and again and I have an Alexa. My son calls me a dinosaur because I still use the ipod but it does me. I use it in the car as well. I've gone back to the gym I go there a couple of days a week (when I can be bothered) and my little granddaughter keeps me going too. I quite enjoy my own company and I can say I'm now quite used to it. I still can't comprehend that Jay is gone some days though just things that have happened recently I've wanted to share with him but he's not here. The house is certainly a lot quieter and I miss Jay's booming voice at times you always heard him before you saw him even when he was sitting next to you he would shout when speaking and at times I had to tell him to bring it down a decibel. You will get there and you will find your own way of pushing forward. Best Wishes to you in doing so. Take Care. 

Vicky. 

Thank you.

I still use ipods. I say I pods I have a few and sorry to say a couple more now I suppose.  I have one in the living room, one in the bathroom (we both used that one in the shower) as we liked the same music. Two in the bedroom, one music and one with audio books on to try and help me sleep. 

We liked are music and going to gigs. It's just like a photo sometimes you remember the good when I hear a song. Then the same song can make me cry.

I'm sorry if I sound selfish in my posts. Like the rest of you I'm missing my wife, my soul mate, my everything. So much and Friday nights are my worse times ( if possible)

Take care and please look after yourselves. 

You are not selfish. You are bereft and in shock, probably. Be kind to yourself and don’t do what you can’t face yet.

Its the start of week 8 for me and I returned to work this week which has helped as it has my mind occupied throughout the day, I like you ordered some new items and picked them up which made me feel so guilty but also think how Linda would be telling me how i needed them which does bring a smile to my face even if just fleeting, I cry myself to sleep everynight and wake up and am soon crying again. I have thought about going away for a few days/weeks but then think would i just be sitting somewhere that wasnt home and still feel the same way. Having spoken to people who have went through the same grief it is not that it gets easier its that time enables us to learn to live with our grief and even though it seems a million miles away little things make a difference and all of a sudden i find myself laughing at some memories instead of crying then feel guilty for doing so.

In short there is no easy answer and we all have lost the most precious person in our lives, so never feel sorry for expressing your feelings as that is the first step in moving forward

Take care and we are all here for you

Last night. I was again reliving the worst night of my life, and it dawned on me. The headphones which had stopped working. Were the one I used in the hospital to play Sue,her favourite song when Sue slept away.

 So I now have a pair of headphones, what don't work, but I can't throw away. I put one to Sue's ear and I listened to the other one holding her hand. Crying as to be honest as I am crying typing this. Sue was the strong one.

 Take care & one step