And So Another Day Passes

Thank you for sharing this MrsVT.  It is 3 months since I lost my lovely soul mate of 30 years and it has been the toughest time of my life by far, as I imagine it is for all of us on this site. I joined the site because I had breast cancer, mastectomy and chemo last year. I am lucky that I have come out of it very well, medically. But throughout that time I was caring for my partner with advanced PD and doing that was my focus and my purpose in life. So I've lost my “job” as well as my companion. I am devastated by Stuart’s death but I know he would want me to live as well as I can in my new circumstances.  I also believe life is a precious gift and on good days I am determined not to waste it. I arrange all sorts of things to make sure I see somebody every day even for a short time. Other days I just have to go with the sorrow and feel the pain and I stumble around in the maze.

You and others are very generous sharing your experiences and coping strategies and I realise that mostly I have been taking things that help me from what people say on here and giving little back. So you have inspired me to share bits that I have picked up from my reading and podcasts and counselling that sometimes help me.

As we know, everyone’s experience is different but I hope some of the following will resonate:

You can’t rush grief

Focus on yourself unapologetically, never mind what others say or think

Your healing is your responsibility

It’s not what happens to us that defines us, it’s how we choose to deal with it

Remind yourself you did the best you could at the time. He/she knew they were loved

Trust that you will find your own way

Sending you my very best wishes and hugs xx

Hi Arty Girl, your observations are interesting and helps with self-reflection. My husband passed eight months ago from kidney cancer. It was very fast, and he had few symptoms. As you know, we all have choice. This has been my approach, as I made a vow to guide and protect our adult children. The hardest one for me to adopt is, “Trust that you will find your own way.” This is the hardest, because the truth is that part of me doesn’t want to. I want to be with him. In a sense, I am finding my own way. Seeing friends, going to the theatre, running the home, walking the dog, etc. People say to me, ‘You are so strong”. “You have achieved so much.” Yes, all of that is true, and I am a positive person by nature. At the moment, I just can’t see a way that I will ever be happy again. I have fleeting moments of happiness, but feeling loved and valued by my darling has gone. Sending hugs to all. Kate.xxx

Reading this made me cry Kate because you sound so like me. I too have a positive nature and get encouraging comments from friends telling me I’m doing so well. But exactly as you said being loved by the person who knew me better than anyone else in the world is something I’ll never have again and it hurts so much. I remind myself that many people never have anything like the close relationship we had together and I am very lucky to have had that for 30 years. But it’s the loss of all that love that makes it so very painful. It is comforting to know that other people like you do understand in a way that our friends can’t. Thank you for sharing. I think I need to pour myself a glass of wine…big hugs xxx

Oh dear, I am so sorry I made you cry. That is the last thing you need. We were married for 36 years, but together for 40 years. He was a gentleman, and told me that ‘I was everything to him”. I felt the same. We always made time to have fun together. Travelling, pubs, walking our border collie, socialising with friends. He had a great sense of humour, and a great warmth of personality. It is so very hard to be without him. I am crying now, sorry. Kate.xxx

Oh dear what a pair we are.  The tears are flowing here again. Your man sounds lovely. No wonder he’s left a big gap.  Mine was too. Like you, we were everything to each other. I missed him so much tonight. I paint and I’ve been in the studio all afternoon after months of not feeling like it. Normally I would show him what I’d been working on and it was awful him not being there to discuss it. Even when he was very unwell he was a great support and I knew I could trust his judgement. He wouldn’t say it was good when it wasn’t!  This grieving business is so much harder than I ever imagined. But having said that I had quite a nice day today out shopping with a friend this morning.  We just have to keep pressing on, one day at a time.  I do sleep well at night so that’s something. Hope you do too Kate.  Big hugs xxx