Just need to talk

It is a difficult journey finding yourself alone after 34 years of love and friendship. I am nearly eight years in and, apart from a couple of failed attempts at trying to find someone, I have had to summon up the strength to find a new way of living my life. Friends drop off because they still all come in couples. My children are my foundation for all I do now. You do not say if you have children.

I have also thrown myself into a couple of volunteering  roles and that brings me into contact with people and often lived experience can help others.

My best advice is to take your time, allow yourself to adjust to this new normal. Spreading your wife’s ashes is certainly a good thing to do - especially if, as you say, it will be done at your favourite beach. I did the same thing and can say hello when I visit or drive past. I actually spread her ashes at different places and also let the children choose places that held particular memories for them. I have some in the soil under an Acer tree in my garden and I actually still have some.

Take your time and take care of yourself.

Hi.

Thank you. I  am sorry to say we did not have children.  Sue did not want them and seen as it was her body, I never pressed her. As Sue meant so much to me.

Hi,

GhostLoveScore said:

People don't ring me anymore.  I have to ring them, I got told by one sister I have to get used to being alone. I am sorry I haven't seen any family or friends for over a month.

That sounds familiar - people can be funny. Some people who I thought might have kept in touch with me have been useless. But one friend in particular has really stepped up, and has been unexpectedly supportive - for which I am very grateful.

But, as I have written in other posts on this site, I just don't think you can imagine what this disaster is actually like, until it finally happens to you. So I don't think people are 'bad' in this respect - I just think they simply don't get it.

GhostLoveScore said:

If this is the price for 34 years of unconditional love, then I will gladly pay it, but it still hurts a lot

I had 38 years with a loving and completely supportive partner. I keep telling myself that I need to be very grateful for that - many people will never know anything like it - and indeed, I am very grateful. But damn, does it hurt.

GhostLoveScore said:

I think I'm losing my battle,but I have to keep going.

Keep eating, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep going. Our situation is impossibly difficult, but we have a duty to those we have lost: we have to carry on.

I send you love and best wishes.

My counsellor said that I am in the process of moving between tribes.

The old tribe that my beautiful Valen and I belonged to: us as a couple, amongst people that saw us as one, happily bumbling along, planning futures, having fun, few cares. Meeting friends, going out, holidays. Laughing, talking to mates.

To the new tribe: widows, widowers, singletons, where our worlds have stopped, darkened, full of dread, fear, No hope of a future. Guilt ridden. Full of tears. Not wanting to go out, but not wanting to stop otherwise we have time to think about “us” and our loss.

But there is another tribe that is patiently waiting for us: where we have adapted to our new lives and the world has adapted to our new place in the grand tapestry of life. Where we still cry and lament our loss, but we manage it better.

I am fortunate that we have a few real, true friends who are supporting me. And most of my family are close by and also supportive. I can talk to them about Valen, cry with them. 
They are also grieving for him. For which, perversely, I am grateful.
I’ve lost some people I thought were friends, but made new ones amongst the current tribe. 

I have started volunteering at our local museum which has been amazing! 
Gets me out, but if I’m having a really bad day I’m not letting anyone down by not turning up. 
New people who know what has happened, but are removed from it.

Nearly 6 months on and Valen sits in the conservatory during the day and joins me in the bedroom when I eventually drag myself off to bed. 

For the last 2 weeks I have only eaten potato waffles  poked in the toaster, bowls of peas (for some reason obsessed with peas with lots and lots of butter and chilli oil!) and orange Club biscuits. 
But before that I had a spell of a couple of months of proper food: pies, fish, sausages, veg, soups and fruit. 
For some reason I have reverted.

Everyone is different and what suits one seems bizarre to another seems logical to another and seems like a good idea to yet another.

The pain you feel is the price of love which is something that cannot be measured. People very quickly get on with their life`s whilst yours standstills and this is a natural thing as when something so tragic happens although people are sympathetic and do honestly feel for you it doesn`t truly hit home until it happens to you. I am a couple of weeks behind you on the journey and am now experiencing the same attitude. I like yourself would gladly pay the price for the love we had and would not change a thing. I today spread my wife ashes 5 weeks after her passing (my wife was very clear on what was to happen so carried out her wishes) and although it was one of her favourite places it still hurt beyond belief however i now it is done i feel comfort from her being somewhere she loved

I hope the ashes spreading goes as well, as it can. I don't know if I should do that alone or wait to see if anyone wants to do with it with me. It's just that most of the time it was just us two walking on the beach. In the end its my decision when I am ready.