Any Advice for dealing with well meaning but crass comments?

How very upsetting for you. My husband died about 7 months ago: I haven't experienced many crass comments but mainly because I have retreated from much social contact so only communicate with people on 'neutral' territory. I chat to people on the allotment about planting and digging, and to shop assistants about the weather. When my brother-in-law made a very painful visit and berated me about a family rift  (talked about himself and never mentioned my husband, his brother!) I was fairly direct and told him that as Bruce was dead, no-one could hurt him any longer, for which I was grateful. I haven't heard from him or Bruce's other siblings since. I think you need to decide who you can do without in your future, and who may be well-meaning but worth keeping in touch with . If the latter, a gentle rebuke when well-meaning comments are made may be helpful: if they are truly friends, they won't take a gentle rebuke amiss. Just explain that you have no desire to 'meet someone new' but add perhaps that meeting for a drink might be helpful? I have  noted that some reliable websites suggest that six months is a  reasonable time to grieve:  when this is suggested, perhaps explain that you need to go through a full year of anniversaries (wedding/birthday/engagement etc) before you can even begin to grieve. It's as much about educating others who haven't been so bereft while maintaining positive support. Hope this is helpful. 

Hi Chris, as we know “There is no normal”. My husband died on the 4th August 2024, so I am eight months in. I got to the stage with neighbours and certain people where I said, “I don’t want to talk about it”, or that “I just want to be left alone.” I also live in a village, and would escape when I could. Different supermarkets, garages and dog walks. I have had the comments that, “Isn’t it time you cleared everything out of the house of his ?”, “You are still young enough to meet someone new.” You are right, most people don’t know what to say or do. I retreated into my own space, and now only mix with people who are emotionally intelligent. I have found it helpful to have a ‘Grief Buddy”. We met at our St Barnabas Bereavement Group. We go for a quiet drink out of the area, where we can talk about our loved ones. Is that a possibility for you ? I have also found a very helpful book called, ‘Healing a Spouse's Grieving Heart’, by Alan D.Wolfelt. PH.D. I bought it on Amazon. It maybe too early for you, but it has genuinely helped me with the devastation. Kind regards, Kate. 

I was talking to someone 2 weeks ago. Across from me, he was looking at his van, then he said I need a new clutch, life is so fing unfair.  I looked at my empty house,where a year ago I had a loving cat and my soul mate. Now both gone to cancer, shock my head with tears in eyes and walked off.

It will be 6 months in 9 days.

When an acquaintance of ours said “ I know how you feel. I lost my dog last year”. 
I told them politely but very firmly they didn’t know what they were talking about and come back and see my if their husband suddenly, horrifically passes in front of their disbelieving eyes.

I replied to another acquaintance who said “well I would have got rid of all their stuff within weeks. I don’t understand why you still have his toothbrush in the bathroom”. 
“If your husband is ripped from your side after only 4 weeks when you were told you have 3 to 6 months, I’ll come round after 2 weeks and start bagging up his stuff. You’ll be prostrate with grief so probably won’t notice”.

I said to a friend (big difference between friend and acquaintance) who said “You’re only 56. You have half your life still. You may meet someone else to love and who loves you”. 
“You knew my beautiful Valen. Do you think I will ever find anyone as perfect a match? “

The first 2 I haven’t seen since. 
The friend hugged me and said “Point taken”

I have found that a polite but direct and firm rebuff followed with the old, but true, adage “There is no rule book on grief and this is my way” helps me. 
Stuff them. 
Im looking out for me.

Or I cry at them and the6 make a swift exit. 
Unless they are a true friend.

xx

Hi,

JealousOfAngels said:

I know most people don't know how to handle grief for others, but how do you handle well meaning, but crass comments when you meet others?

JealousOfAngels said:

Does anyone have any advice on this?

Some people have also made similar crass comments to me, but, fortunately, not too often. I don't have any advice, other than to simply let such comments go: the people involved aren't bad people - but they just don't get it.

For sure, we are all different - and some people definitely lack empathy, or what I would consider as simply fellow human feeling.

But then, reflecting on it, I didn't really know what this disaster would feel like, until it finally happened to me. In fact, I think I am a better and more sensitive person now that I have arrived in this position - but what a shockingly difficult way to learn such a lesson.

Excellent. Totally agree xxhugs

I just turned 52 ( had a very depressing first birthday without the love of my life) he passed Christmas Day. I absolutely adore him everyone used to say they could see how besotted we were together.  I keep saying I don't want to live till I'm old now as going to be a lonely life on my own.  People say in few years time u will get a companion u are still young. Makes me feel physically sick. When u have love for someone so much how can u even thinking about another person.  People who say that seriously does not know how heartbroken we are.

Hi heartbreak. I have not had anybody say yet that I will find somebody new, but I feel like you how the fudge can I find someone as special as Sue my everything. As for the birthday day I am dreading mine it is two days before my wife( yes still my wife) left me. So this year's was hard work but I told her she had to make it up to me next year which made her smile. Due yo the post being what it is I was opening birthday cards and sympathy cards days after.

Hi Chris. 
I am so sorry you are having to deal with all that on top of everything else. People often ‘mean well’ but no one knows what you are going through and nobody will because each one of us is different. I lost my wife Laura to cancer just over 2 years ago and it’s as difficult now as it was the day I lost her… if not more so. At first it was kind message after kind message daily, with people checking in on me and the boys (we have 2 boys, 3 and 5 years old at the time of her passing) then gradually the messages get fewer and fewer until now it’s only on those ‘special’ days.. her birthday, wedding anniversary (we were married for 5 weeks). Now I’m getting the ‘isn’t it time you moved on and met someone for the sake of the boys’ … that coming from my wife’s mum! She even asked Laura when she was having treatment how long I had to ‘wait before I moved on!?’ .. how crass and inappropriate can you get from your own mum? 
I think it’s utterly wrong that you feel you need to make such a long trip to avoid people and their comments. I always think to myself what would Laura want me to do in a certain situation? Often she would have laughed and said she’s not changing her routine because of small minded people. People will always be people.. some kind and thoughtful, others thinking they are being helpful and well meaning but mess it up, others just cruel. They can’t be avoided sadly. I guess the question might be, do you enjoy the long, round trips? I only ask as I really enjoy longer journeys in the car with my boys because it’s just us. I have plenty of time to think about things, chat to the boys, etc.. it helps clear my mind sometimes. 

Please don’t feel you need to change your ways or go where you don’t want to go to avoid others. You’re stronger than them and you always will be. There is no time frame on grief, people tend to forget that. Put your time and effort into yourself, your family and those that truly care.., and take as long as you need.