Feeling lost and sad

Dear Butterfly, 

so sorry to hear of your loss - it is a profound shock and truly oesophageal cancer is so cruel and brutal. My husband died from this cancer too, this day last year, in hospital.  My husband had been ill four months - all the time since his diagnosis spent in hospital and he was almost totally on tube feeding throughout this time. Even his sips of water were through a tube.  Tube feeding takes so long as well - maybe 10-12 hours for him to have a meal.

However he could communicate fine throughout this - always looked vibrant, alert and not at all like someone who was dying. He was thin but as a dancer he was always very slim and toned anyway. He had performed as a dancer the day he came into hospital so all his equipment was still in the hospital room. I'm glad to hear that your husband got to die at home with you and he got to say goodbye to you in such a tender and intimate way despite this disease. This will give you much solace.

Re counselling I didn't have counselling but I'm in London and Macmillan have a lovely drop in centre in the University College Hospital at Euston and the women there - Tina and Debbie - are great to talk to so I have spoken to them - once during my husband's illness, and once recently, and I will return. It's not as formal as counselling. You could also talk to them by phone. They could also advise you on other counselling if you felt that was what you needed.

Also you might like Nick Cave's 'Red Hand Files' where often in his letters to readers he talks about grief.

Love and look after yourself for now

Florence

Hi Florence, thank you for your reply. I am sorry to hear about your husband and what you went through.
My partner was diagnosed end of Nov and we thought he would have treatment but in January he was told it had spread to the liver, lungs and bones. He was told he had 3-6months but he only got 3 weeks. He deteriorated so quickly- he could still eat soft foods up until 2 weeks before he died l. After this he could only manage those horrible shakes. He never had any tube feeding. The sickness was the worst he could keep nothing down. His skin turned yellow and he lost so much weight in a matter of weeks. It was so sad watching him deteriorate. He managed a walk to the beach front only a few days before he passed. It all happened so quick that I have found it hard to process it all. 
Thank you so much for the Counselling advice. xxx