Feeling lost and sad

Hi there, I am so sorry you have had such a difficult day. I had to respond, as all of us here know how devastating it is. The trauma is immense. I did managed to get some counselling at the  three month period with St Barnabas Hospice. You could call Cruse Bereavement for advice, or try your GP. I found it very helpful to be able to talk through the events and trauma. At times, it still feels like a horrible nightmare that I can’t wake up from. At other times, I can enjoy the beauty around me. Sending strength and hugs. Kate. Xxx

Hi

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this awful loss .

I can only share my own, not dissimilar experience, albeit my wife died as a result of ovarian cancer she reached a stage of her illness where she was unable to speak or eat as the cancer has metastatised to her lymph nodes and brain.

I experience a whole confusing mass of emotions, including guilt that I couldn't save her and even at times anger that treatment hadn't been effective or could have been done differently! This happens less than in the early days but often unexpectedly .

I do try to balance those emotions knowing that she knew I was there,I held her was able to care for her and tell her I loved her, which in some ways, as you describe mirrors your experience.Similarly you describe cuddling your husband I truly believe touch and holding someone can communicate so much at times, even more so than words.

I know It helps me to share the way I feel , even writing this post helps, although I've not accessed formal counselling  (it's a man thing ) but recognise it's something that would help.

Perhaps someone simply to listen to how your feeling, not judge or find listening too 'uncomfortable' may be enough? Samaritans as a listening service may , at this stage of your grief, be enough if only to unload your feelings.

Mostly be kind to yourself , try to eat and stay hydrated, grab sleep when you can. 

Thank you for your kind words x

Thank you Kate. Having another day of not doing anything and sitting in a trance

It is a very strange feeling. It is like a numbness, where you aren’t able to function. Try and rest when you can. Kate.xxx

So difficult to know what to say or do to comfort the bereft. My husband was a poet. Here is his early poem 'Butterflies' for you (not his best):

Butterflies, silken eyes,

their careful rise from

naked seed to paradise,

nurtured art to natured need, 

shape lies safe in a gardener’s

hands, choice realized a fertile plan. 

That’s beautiful. I will be creating my wildflower area under our apple tree this summer. The butterflies and bees love it. I shall also be planting more nature friendly plants where possible. Kate. Xxx

My name comes from seeing so many butterflies on our regularly picnics in the summer. One particular day we were sitting eating and we had loads of white ones flying above us x

Hi!

I was like this today. This was one of those days I still have periodically where I get up and think of things I want to do but just no incentive to do so and then spend the rest of the day beating myself up for it. Still trying to get moving and back to some normality after my son's wedding last Saturday can't believe that's almost a week past already. Sit and think too of everything I should have done while there and just how lost I really felt while there. Most of my son's friends who were his groomsmen's parents were there and they are all paired off still have one another so I just felt like a `spare part` most of the night. My sister was with me and her two friends and my cousin and her friend too- they too have both lost their husbands so it was like the `singles and widows corner` I was sitting in. It was lovely though to catch up with everyone but it's that way they sometimes say for all the laughing and chatting you do in a room full of people you still have that horrible empty feeling like you shouldn't be there or feel a fraud for being there. It was my own son's wedding and I was a key family member but just never felt like it for most of the day/night. Just think it will always be this way at events like this. 

No more poems after this one, promise:

                               Openly true 

                      ‘And so they are always 

                    returning to us, the dead’,*      

                   in ones, or twos, landing 

                    like crows in winter 

                     on feeling’s last story, 

                      all memories facile   

               when birth seemed wreckless, 

                         screaming at first   

                through every level of meaning, 

                         wisdom speaks  

                          of ordinary folly, 

                         nothing special this 

                          in a furtive view 

                       yet extraordinary 

                     when openly true.                                            

*W.G. Sebald