Feeling lost

So sorry for your loss. Others on this site will be able to empathise: my husband died in August of sepsis but was being treated for oesophageal cancer. Five months later, I can't move on from dwelling on his final day in hospital when they told me treatment wasn't working. You might eventually find something that offers some respite: I'm digging our allotment and planted bulbs so our garden will look beautiful. It's where he could sit when well enough. Your partner came home to be with you and although you were denied longer, he would have been comforted knowing he was at home with the person who loved him. 

I'm so sorry you lost your husband.  Such a cruel disease. I spent at least 12 hours a day by his side in hospital.  To come home watching him get weaker yet so so brave never complained once. I played him music in the last few hours and noticed a tear underneath his eye. I keep thinking of what he went through,  what we went through and makes my insides hurt. We had the a loving relationship and feel life has been so unfair to take him away from me.

Hi there, your loss is so very recent. You must be feeling exhausted, mentally and physically. My husband passed on the 4th August from kidney cancer, although it had spread to his liver. He was diagnosed in March and gone by August. I expect you are still in shock and at times if doesn't feel real. You have come to the right place for support. Everyone understands here. It is now six months for me. I still post most days. it has helped hugely in processing the loss. Sending hugs and kind thoughts. Kate. Xxx

People don't really understand unless they have been through same thing..People say can only imagine..yes you can only imagine but the pain is more than u imagine.  Suppose to go back to work soon and I know will be a distraction but it's like I don't want to step out of this bubble back to some sort of normality like I don't want to let it go. Want to remember good times but can't stop thinking of the weeks leading up to him leaving me and not being able to save him. Thank you so much Kate hugs to you to xx

I am so sorry for your.loss. My husband died 2 november. He,was diagnosed with lung cancer and,was doing,well on the treatment but contracted,sepsis and was dead in a week. I understand how truly awful you are feeling. I understand the total desolation. Sending you love and best wishes x

I tried to explain to a friend why I don’t sleep much. 

I don’t want to go to bed as he isn’t there with me, so I put off and put off going. I usually go to bed now, 2am.
Then I get up early because as soon as I wake, or rather before I wake, it slams back into my heart that he isn’t here. Then I have to get up and get busy.
She tried to understand, but like you say, unless you are in this horrific situation you won’t get it. 

I used to nag my mum that she should eat better and never understood why she didn’t have a proper meal 3 times a day every day. 
When she said some days she just couldn’t be bothered for 1, I tutted. 
Now I understand. 
Frozen waffles and Pringles are my current diet unless I go out with her or my sister.

I have handed in my notice at work as cannot face going back to working as HCA in GP practice. 
Unfortunately I am able to take time out thanks to my beautiful Valen having life insurance. 
We had discussed my job before he was taken from me. I was already unhappy at work and he told me to leave and take time to find a job I truly wanted, even if it was unexpected. 
He was actually quite excited for me.

Tonight I cried so damn hard I was physically sick. 
There are things he said, way he looked and sounded, and thoughts from his last few weeks that keep swirling in a violent storm in my head.

Well, try to sleep now, busy day ahead. Going to try and get my mobile plan reduced.

xx

I know what you mean about going to bed. I still can’t get used to my darling not being next to me. I have tried bunching up an old sweater, blankets, hot water bottles, moving to the middle of the bed. None of it works. Bedtime just re-enforces the loss. Cried myself to sleep, now I am up again. Will it ever get any easier ? Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx

I even considered getting a single bed. 
But that just doesn’t seem right at all. 
Like I am erasing the 20 years we slept together. 
The 20 year nightly duvet tussle. 
The 20 year nudging when his snoring gets to loud. 
The 20 years of “nighty night, kiss kiss”

I do have a half hourish nap on the sofa mid afternoon most days. 
Sometimes intentional, sometimes not!

My husband died on the 19th December  from the same, bowel cancer which had spread to his liver  he fought so hard for 2 years but the disease was so aggressive the treatment stopped working,  in October we were told he only had weeks left. 

I feel so lost and lonely my house is empty without him,  I can't stop crying , I don't want to get up in the morning,  it's only cos if our dog that I do

I get into bed snuggle up to his dressing gown which although reminds me of his illness but he wore it all the time at the end. I look at his phone when I get in bed and pics of him on mine then awake for ages then dream of him then wake up feeling crap knowing it was just a dream.  Been 4 weeks now and getting harder and anything is setting me off crying x feel your pain x