Guilt

Hi,

My husband died in similar circumstances, but 9 weeks after diagnosis. He already had pulmonary fibrosis but we had no idea he had lung cancer until he had a pain in his shoulder. 

Try not to feel guilty. Neither of you knew he was so ill. It's 7 years ago now since my husband died, and on reflection, I'm pleased he didn't have a long time if suffering. Easier to say now than at the beginning. You won't always feel like you do now. We were married for 35 years and I was 59 at the time.

It will seem so hard for you to imagine now, but things do improve. I won't say things are always easy, and I do still miss him, and being part of a couple, (with him, not just a couple in general) but I am living life and enjoying things, albeit in a different way. 

You'll probably feel a whole range of emotions before things start to settle and I think you just have to let yourself feel them. It's a huge thing you've just gone through.

I found this forum a great help in the beginning, and I still just dip in now and again, hoping that I can offer some kind of encouragement.

Sending you a virtual hug x

Se

Hi there, I am so sorry you are going through this devastating pain. My husband passed on the 4th August from kidney cancer. I also noticed that he had lost weight very quickly in December. He wouldn’t go to the doctor’s as he thought it was Long Covid. There were very few symptoms, a cough and indigestion. He was diagnosed in March and gone by August. How are we meant to know that it can happen so fast ? I am sure you are in deep shock, and it still doesn’t feel real at times. The question I ask myself is; ‘If we had got diagnosis earlier would it have made a difference ?’The answer in my heart is ‘No’. It had progressed too far. I am sure your husband felt loved and supported by you. This forum has been my lifeline to people who truly understand. Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx

Thank you for your kind words.

i just wish that I’d been kinder to him, I wasn’t horrible, but a little impatient. Once he was in hospital, I was by his side every day but it’s the weeks leading up to that I regret.

I feel so hopeless and can’t imagine my life without him in it.

I’m really pleased to hear that you are enjoying things.

Thank you.

Thank you Kate.

I’ve been told that I’m in shock and, you’re right, how can we know that it can happen so quickly? Especially when there are pretty much no symptoms.

My husband did go to the doctor but wasn’t sent for tests until it was too late. I think that it progressed so fast that it took everyone by surprise , especially us.

He did know that I loved him in the end but I wish I’d been kinder and it’s that I’m struggling with in addition to the huge loss.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Hi there, I couldn’t get my bloody husband to go to the doctors for three months. I just wanted him to get checked over. I was furious with him. When we had the scan result (it had spread to his liver.) I was still angry with him then, and told the consultant this. I remember arguing with my darling and telling him off. We were given eighteen months to two years. It was only five months, and he went through chemo, and steroids. On and on it went. The truth is, none of it made any difference, it was too late. It will take time to process the loss and your feelings. Did I feel guilty shouting at him, “No’. It was from a place of love. I did everything I could with the knowledge we had at the time. I am sure it was the same for you. I just focus on the love and support he was given. He knew I loved him. We were together forty years. Sending hugs. Kate. Xxx

Hello there. I'm so sorry to read your story. Your experience is very like my own - we had no idea my husband had cancer - he was having physio for a sore shoulder that we thought was from playing too much golf in the cold. The diagnosis was a total shock, and he died 7 weeks later, before he was able to start any treatment. 

It is still very early days for you - it takes time to process such a profound shock, and it is natural that you will be reliving everything. My love died in April, and I am still knocked sideways by the thought of some of the experiences he and we went through in that time. I understand why you are beating yourself up, but do try to treat yourself with compassion. I have no doubt that you were kind and loving throughout, and that your husband knew that. 

I hope you find some comfort from the good people here - I think it helps a bit to know that others understand what you are feeling. 

Take care x

It’s just so hard that it was so quick too. He’s been gone for 6 weeks which is longer than he seemed properly ill for. I can’t get my head around it.

He didn’t get the chance for chemo as he was too weak by that time. It’s all so unfair. 

I loved and of course still love him so much.

Thank you.

My husband too was having physio for his shoulder pain as he was a gardener so they thought it was down to the hedge trimmer. He was so fit and outwardly healthy until he started to lose so much weight and so quickly. I had no idea that shoulder pain was a sign of lung cancer.

I just can’t believe that it’s happened to us and can’t imagine my life without him in it. 

Hi again,

I think it's normal to feel hopeless at your stage , I certainly did and I think most people here would agree. I felt like my life was a whole blank sheet of paper, and I didn't know how it would ever be filled, or what it could be filled with. I was scared at that point.

I think we all have things we wish we had done, or not done. In reality, we all did the best we could at the time.

It's hard to describe how you will get through this, but you will. But everyone's different and deals with things differently. In the beginning, I had to make lists each day of things to do, just so that I didn't just sit, rooted to the settee in grief and utter panic. To start with, the list even involved getting up, eating something for breakfast and getting washed and dressed!  It got me through the day, slowly ticking things off the list. Do whatever helps you.

You can't imagine your life without him  because you've never had to before now. I wanted all the answers straightaway! A 'fast forward button' to see what I would do in the future and how I'd cope.

Seven years on in some respects my life hasn't changed. I live in the same house, have the same friends, more or less, even drive the same car. I'm other respects I have changed. I go to see things that I'm interested in, and spend much more time on my hobbies, mainly textile crafts. I eat differently, less meat, more fish and sometimes vegetarian. I think my husband would have happily eaten steak every day! I've done things differently  in my tiny garden.They're not major changes, but I think I'm slowly evolving if that's the right way of putting it. 

Your future seems scary now, and not what you want, but things will improve. X

The timescale for you both was savage. No time to process, plan, spend time together. It is such a vicious disease. I had very limited experience of the effect of cancer on the body. It is truly shocking. I have found Cruse Bereavement helpful in understanding; “How the mind processes grief’. I needed to know more as I felt that I was going bonkers as it was all too overwhelming. We were meant to move to The West Country in July. We had an offer on the house, and were half way through the legal process. We were going to downsize and enjoy the beauty there. We had a home being built there. I had to call a halt to it all. My husband Paul was devastated, but he was too unwell to move. Sending you strength and hugs. Kate. Xxx