Positivity to despondency

Hi Realale welcome to the forum and I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. I dont know what to say to make any of that any better but Im sending some hugs your way for now. and thinking of you. x 

I feel just the same …. So hard, hope it gets easier in time. It’s the loneliness that I miss, I have family and friends but like you say when you see couples together happy etc etc  that’s what I had once and I miss it …

Once again I had a pretty good day;

Nice walk to Sunday market - got a new winter dress. 
Watched the Remembrance Parade. 
Sat on the prom listening to and watching the sea. 
Lunch in our cafe. 
Afternoon with mum.

Home. 
Been crying ever since.

Every time I stop, I catch sight of my beautiful Valen’s picture. And every time I feel a physical lurch as reality again kicks me in the gut. 
Ive been screaming into a towel.
NO NO NO NO This is NOT happening. 
Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod wake me up from this nightmare.
Where is his text to say he is on the train home? 

He’s gone, hasnt he? 

I can’t bear this. 
I can’t sleep but then that makes the night and early hours awake on my own so long.

He’s really not coming back is he? 

How do you get out of this cycle? 

I wish I could hug all of you feeling these exact same emotions. 
I wish we could all hug this out.

The truth is, nothing can prepare you for the horror. How is it possible to experience this level of shock, pain and suffering ? My daughter has been signed off until after Christmas for trauma, and my son is having horrible nightmares. The house looks like a bomb has hit it, and I can’t find my car insurance policy. My emotions are all over the place, and I feel like I am failing. Xxx

It’s like being on a cliff top. 
A precipice that we will topple either way. 
Somedays I fall over the cliff and there is no stopping the downward trajectory. 
For a few hours every day I fall back onto land and into the arms of those who hold me.
At least it is for a few hours everyday, and those hours get longer.

xx

It's tough when everything seems to remind you of someone, especially the little things that used to bring joy. It’s okay to have days like this, even if they don’t feel great. Sometimes it's just about getting through those moments, one at a time.

I am having one of those moments now. I can’t seem to be able to think that any future is possible. We were together forty years. How do I look at life now ? At the moment, I don’t feel I even want to try. The loss is too much. It just feels so damn hopeless.

I’m tormenting myself with running over and over how this time 7 weeks ago played out.

At 12.50 we got the call from doc to say spread to brain stem. 
12.55 the hope died in my beautiful Valen’s eyes. 
3.30 arrived at hotel after journey where he mostly slept and I held back the tears. 
4.00 I showered him and we laughed and giggled. 
5.30 he managed all of 3 spoons of soup. 
8.30 I tucked his blanket around him and made him comfy in the chair he would sleep in. 

Now I’ll wait, pacing the house till 4.30am.

Every Wednesday/ Thursday I do this. 
I’m praying I will become inured to it.

My best friend just texted to say she is thinking of me. 
Don’t know what I’d without her. 

Like you Kate, and so so many of us, I just can’t see a future where he isn’t a part of it. 
Everything I have done so far has been things we had planned to do anyway; get a dining table and chairs, change his office into a craft room, look for a dog, get rid of the fridge freezer in the garage, get rid of the dvds.

But beyond that? 
The only decision I’ve made is to get a sunflower and butterfly tattoo. 
And to watch endless reruns of Bake Off tonight. Again.

Sending hugs and requesting one please. xx

Sending huge hugs. I swear the only thing keeping me sane is this forum. I am fortunate that I have lots of close friends that I see when I can. The truth is, I am withdrawing from contact with them to a degree. I don’t want to be that person that ‘dumps’ their emotions on them. Friends try their best, but they can’t get anywhere near to understanding. What I have learnt so far is that ‘pretending’ and ‘distraction’ work to a degree. The healing is going to take quite a bit longer, and I hope I can make it. Xxx

Kate and MrsVT. Big hugs to you and anyone else needing them this morning. Yes Kate, this forum is helping keep me sane too. I was ‘hyper’ last night. Several manic conversations telling everyone how ‘fine’ I felt. Chattering inanely. I should’ve recognised the signs, because this morning I’ve crashed, and just feel so teary and low. 

I don’t think anyone will understand it, but here goes...I lit our fire for the first time since he died and cooked on it. A bit eccentric, and we do have a cooker(!), but almost every day for 20 odd years, we used the fire for cooking. It wasn’t my thing, but I did it anyway.

After he died I said I’d never cook again and told myself, and everyone, that I would live off oven chips and ready meals, and I have been. Last night I changed my mind, lit the fire; put the cast iron pans over the embers and cooked. It was ‘fine’, as I told everyone. Only it wasn’t. I don’t really know why it wasn’t, but I certainly feel awful today. It’s not something I can explain to anyone who knows me. At least I can put it here.

Think I’ll be under a blanket on the sofa until this mood lifts.