Positivity to despondency

Thank you Daisy.

I get what you mean. 
It’s always the firsts that crash me. 
First Sunday market without him. 
First time I went in The Greenhouse Cafe without him. 
First time I used the air fryer (he did all the cooking)
First time I went to bed. 
First time I watered the plants (his job). 
First time I raked the leaves (again his job).

The other day (could have been yesterday, could have been last week, dunno, the days have merged) I was in our favourite cafe and was actually enjoying myself. 
A friend of ours I hadn’t yet seen, came over and said how sorry he was but how lovely to see and hear me laughing and having fun. 
OMG. 
I felt as though I was Scarlet O’Hara dancing in her widows weeds!! 
I went home and cried so hard in guilt. 
I know I have no need to feel guilty about having a life. 
But doesn’t stop me feeling guilty. 

Today, week 7, I’m distracting myself with cafe, mum, getting ear pierced and discussing tattoo.

Hoping you all get a hug today xx

Morning Daisy022, Big hugs to you too. It may have been that it was a ritual that your loved one enjoyed. I expect in a weird way that it reinforced the loss when you had to do it on your own.. You want him desperately to be here, and it just reminds you that he isn’t. It hurts so badly. Sending you more hugs for the day. Xxx

Hello Daisy. Also in reply to Kate and MrsVT 

Yesterday I too lit the wood fire, that brought the tears and awful loneliness back.

Something so simple became an enormous task and one that exhausted me. Been like this for a little while, maybe the looming season and long winter to come. Nearly two and a half years since Barry died but it doesn't get any easier. Just changes I suppose and we carry on. Because we must, for them.

Thinking of you all 

Lots of hugs too .xxxx

Oh.

Im having a real bad afternoon and evening.

I was ok this morning. Our cafe then mooch about town. Got some new paints. Coffee and cake with mum. 
Then nearly home from mums had a sudden and overwhelming meltdown. 
Made it home but been crying, screaming into that towel and pacing since. 
Palpitations / anxiety. 
I’ve made marks in my palms from clenching my fists so tightly. 
I stood outside in the dark for half hour crying. Not sure why I even went outside! 

I want to run away. But don’t want to as all his things and him is here.
I don’t want to be in this house but never want to leave it as it’s ours and I love it, but right now hate it. 

I don’t see the point really in anything without him. But I know it’s the darkness speaking and in the morning I will. 
I want someone to reach in and take the pain, loss, heartache, horror, trauma away and leave me happy memories and the love.

I want a magic wand. 
For all of us

Hugs hugs hugs my forum friends xx

You poor Darling, I am in tears reading this. I completely identify with this, and feel exactly the same at times. It is bloody unbearable, and it feels like you are being eviscerated from the inside out. I have never in my whole life been through anything close to this. I am probably crying about four or five times a day. I can’t help it, and I just don’t care. It can be in the car, outside in the garden, going around the supermarket, in the hairdressers, walking the dog, in bed, on and on it goes. We should start a competition on who has cried, in the most public place. Daytime is easier, and sometimes I will have a period of three or four hours without the pain. Sending you much needed hugs and support. Kate. Xxx

Bless You MrsVT!

I can resonate with everything you say. I'm in the middle somewhere as my hubby has been gone 17 months ( I still count the months since he went). I have accepted he is gone but at the same time still can't believe it. What can I say? It will get better it may never leave you ( I was told this) but you learn to live with it. This time of the year is the worst. Used to love this time of the year you just come in and shut the door on the world and cosy up in your pjs and watch rubbish TV. I still watch rubbish TV but just on my own. Yes some nights for me it takes me ages to get to sleep even though I'm exhausted but mentally not physically this is the time your mind starts going into overdrive and you start overthinking and when I maybe have a real vivid dream about him I wake up and am so so disappointed that that was all it was as it seemed so real. There's no days of the week for me now. No Monday, Tuesday etc just `days`. Weekends are worse. Sometimes I feel invisible now as if I don't actually know where I belong or where I should be. Yes seeing couples getting on with things and being happy together hurts too. You remember all the things you used to do as a couple but that's all gone now. We had so many plans for the future but they're all gone now and that makes me really sad too. Things that I feel I have achieved without him I want so much to tell him about but he's not here. Little things like this that grab you at certain times. Best Wishes to you. 

Vicky xx

Thank you Kate and Vicky.

I’ve been lying on the sofa and just realised I missed a whole episode of Bake Off, so must have nodded off for an hour!

As you say Vicky, I want so much for him to know how well I have done sorting things and doing things myself. 
But I’m only do them as he’s gone. 
Catch 22 isn’t it!

I think I’m lucky that our best friend who I see or talk to daily and is damn incredible is single. 
So she doesn’t talk couples stuff and has had to manage on her own since her divorce 10 years ago. 
And my inspirational 89 years young mum who has been on her own for 30 years. 

Cup of tea and some orange Club biscuits for me now as woken right up so that nap was a flipping power nap!

Well I went to bed at 2 and got up at 5 and been crying off and on ever since.

I hate that some days are like this. 
Pacing, pacing, pacing.

Cant read. Cant do my colouring which usually calms me. Can’t do my jigsaw. 
Cant even settle to cleaning! 
Cant drive to my favourite walk as eyes like slits.

Think I’ll just have to walk and sod anyone looking at me as I’m crying. 
Just have to get out of the house.

See you all later xx

I am having such a surreal day.

I have spent the whole day, right up to about an hour ago, absolutely, totally and utterly convinced that my beautiful Valen is coming home from work tonight. 
I kept checking my phone for his text to say he is on the train. 
Even sent him text asking if he was on it yet. 
Went to the supermarket and bought him his baba ganoush and his bread. Neither of which I eat. 
Put the porch light on for him. 
Put his pjs on the radiator.

Even sitting opposite his casket with his candle burning didnt really sink in.

Now of course I’ve crashed with reality.