Just having a moment

Hello Kate. I get what you say. We live in a tiny village - 300 people. I used to know almost all everyone, and I certainly still know a lot. There’s an event at the local bar tomorrow and the thought of having to deal with the voiced sympathy and the veiled curiosity to see how I’m ‘coping’ means that I won’t go. Especially as it was no secret that our relationship wasn’t without its complications... It’s 5 months since he died; like you and Paul, we were together for forty years. No one who hasn’t lived this can even begin to understand the emotions and the seismic change we’re experiencing. Hugs to you. xx

It is hard, and if I hear "Time is a great healer" once more, I might just lose it. I can share with strangers better than family, dont know why, just feels less like cheating on her. To open up to a family member just feels weird, its what she taught me to do to her.

I too have travelled many miles to avoid small talk in shops, it feels great. I went into a shop the other day and instinctively picked up a bunch of yellow roses for her. Then cried for a good 10 mins at the flower section. I bought the yellow ones and a bunch of multi coloured ones for my daughter. I went to Jan's grave the next day and spoke with her for about an hour. I felt good being close to her, even if she was 6ft below me.

Thanks Kate, I really am missing those moments, not really sex, but all the other touches and looks we shared daily

Gordie xxxx

I understand. Even through this horrific pain, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Why ? We were lucky. We have loved deeply. I have been to the grave six times with our border collie, he needs to know where his daddy is. I have done an Autumn arrangement with pretty pink and purple cyclamen. It gives me comfort. I can talk to my beautiful Paul when I need to. I love that you are still thinking of your daughter. I have a son and daughter still at home, they are a great comfort to me. Sending hugs. Xxx

Do you feel emotional on a Saturday. Every Sunday, I feel weepy from the minute I get up. Same on a Thursday when I buried her.

I used to work for BT on their 999 switchboard, along with Jan, so I know how that feels. It was the same for my granny when she died, 18 years ago.

Every fibre in my body wanted to attempt CPR, but I knew she had signed a DNR, so I couldn't, even though I wanted to. Apparently, I checked her for signs of breathing and a pulse and found neither. I called the Nurse Practitioner and told her she was dead. Then corrected myself to "she does not have signs consistent with life". Thats what comes with over 35 years as a first aider.

I am sorry you had to go through that, but you should be proud that you tried.

i really hope you are right and it does get easier. I know its only early days, but I will never find someone like her, I will never love someone the way I loved her.It is going to be hard on my own, but I cannot see a time when I will let myself fall in love again.

I will try and get out, but the cat has anxiety. He was a rescue (2 years old), was abused and beaten before he came to us. It was Jan's idea to get a cat, as she knew if something happened to her, I would need someone to love and take care of, so I wouldnt self harm.

She i a bright, funny, independent, strong, clever lady.

Take care too, I will be out tomorrow looking for a remote Costa / Starbucks

Gordie xxx

Me neither. And caring for her was such a special time, one that I will never forget. Flowers were Jan's thing, not mine, so she will get a bunch of flowers whenever I can get there.

My daughter is 25 miles or so from me, we speak every night tho, something that she and Jan did. I spent 90 mins on the phone with her crying tonight. She is my world, along with my grandson. My other daughter lives in Nottingham, a 9 hour drive away from me in the Highlands of Scotland. We make sure to text each other every few days.

Hugs

G xxx

Sorry, please dont get upset or answer that first question if you dont want to or feel you cant.

I dont want to upset anyone

I can’t be in the house on a  Saturday morning, I re-live those moments till they called the time of death. I’m not too bad after the time, but,  those awful couple of hours were horrific. Outside were three ambulances and two police cars. Every time I hear an ambulance I shiver. I can’t keep doing this, maybe this is why the weekends are the worst for me. Maybe one day I will stay in the house but for now I can’t do it. I couldn’t ever go through this pain again so I will never get close to anyone. I hope I will meet new friends but that’s as far as I will go. Take care xx

I have to stay with my incredibly understanding sister and brother in law on Wednesday nights and Thursday mornings. 
I start pacing and getting anxious from about 6pm (when he managed 3 spoons of soup over half an hour) onwards. 
Then at 4.30am I start getting panicky.
At 4.45am when he had what I am convinced was his stress related mega heart attack I start hyperventilating unless she sits with me talking. 
8am, when the private ambulance took him away, I have another bad time. 
Then 10am onwards I become calm again.

Its been 8 weeks today of this. 
It was a bit easier and quicker to come down from it this morning, so baby step forward. 
Or rather quite a big step forward knowing I can go forward.

I am so glad I’m not alone in feeling like this, I can’t tell anyone that I’m doing these weird things. Everyone thinks I’m doing great moving on because I’m getting out and about. I talk to him every day, tell him what’s happening in the world, kiss his wedding ring every morning and night. Tomorrow will be seven weeks, I’m not going to be in the house as I’m staying with my sister, I’m getting a tiny bit better during the week but I have to sort out this Saturday feeling. That’s my next step, Altho as you said baby steps, I’ve never walked so much as I do now, I never see anyone or talk to anyone, oh apart from a nice elderly man at the bus stop yesterday who was telling me he is moving away from our tiny town and just sold his house, reading the signs I got the feeling he has possibly lost his wife and is doing what I intend to do in the future when everything is sorted outwith the lawyers. Take care xx

A few good close friends and my sister know how I am really doing. 
Well, as much as I tell them. 
To everyone else, as you say, I am doing well as I go out everyday. 
I go for long walks daily as after a while my head empties of bad memories and thoughts.

I tell everyone I am eating a proper meal every night. And though I am eating better than before, no more meals of just a family packet of wine gums, it’s generally a sandwich at 11pm. 
But it is another baby step forwards.

I have some of my beautiful Valen in a necklace I always wear so he comes with me everywhere. 
I send him texts and pictures.
Talk to him constantly. Cry at him. Rage at him. 
Tell him how much I miss him, love him, adore him, can’t bear being without him.

And I kiss his ashes in his casket every morning and night.

Im glad you are at your sisters tomorrow. 
Hopefully it won’t be quite so bloody awful as the Saturday before. Or the Saturday after before that.

xx