Bad Day

Bad day today.

My lovely lovely sister has posted on our family WhatsApp a party that she and her hubby are having in August.

For my mums 90th, her 65th, her hubbies 80th, their 25th anniversary, my nieces 30th, my nephews 20th anniversary. 
All falling this year so we are having a big family party to celebrate all in 1 go. 
My beautiful Valen and I knew this was happening as it’s been in the planning for the last year. 

But seeing it in black and white. 
All these celebrations he is going to miss. 
That he was so looking forward to. 
He was going to do mums cake.

I haven’t been able to stop crying since she posted. 
I’m dreading Feb 14. 
Its his birthday. 
Hence his name.

I feel unutterable sad and lost and angry and all the emotions you are all feeling as well.

So virtual big hugs to each and every one of you xx

 I get you MrsVT. Jay's (hubby) birthday was the 12th February and 3 days after that on the 15th February this year our son gets married so he won't see that but neither will his wife- to- be's mother as she passed last April so they both won't have a parent present for their special day. Our little granddaughter- their little girl starts school this August too so he won't see that either that was something he did want to see but unfortunately cancer had other ideas there but just need to try to content myself that he as well as my future daughter in law's mum will be around somewhere and see it happen. Yes these little things do get you. You are trying your best to move forwards then things like this suddenly hit you. I'm still trying to find my `new me` and she is slowly surfacing but is still a work in progress she'll hopefully surface eventually. My best wishes to you moving forward. Take Care.

Vicky x

I really like how you say the new you is slowly surfacing but a work in progress! 

I am feeling my way round the new me, or as my beautiful Valen had taken to saying, “the new normal”. 
I have become a crafting person. His old office that he dismantled was to become a reading room. But I just can’t concentrate enough to read and have taken to splashing about with paints, colouring and diamond art. So it has become an art room. 
I see my mum daily now instead of once a week. Valen saw her more than I did as he always popped in to see her on his way home from his daily walk the last 3 years! 

Lots of little things which I didn’t used to do, watch, listen to, wear, go.
Nothing that really stands out, but which those closest to me sometimes notice. 
And I always tell my love what I have done, run it past him.
Sometimes it’s a step to far and I step back. 
But I am an experiment in progress.

xx

That's a lot of big celebrations this year. I can understand how difficult it feels for you.

Lot's of February birthdays too, my loves birthday is on the 1st. 

I wish I could feel something more than pain, sadness loss and anger. Starting to forget how other emotions feel.

Virtual hugs back at ya x

I hate the new normal and the new me, I look.in the mirror and don't even recognise myself. 

It is nice though to hear you and PattyK exploring the new you.

I used to love reading but like you can't concentrate enough anymore.

I feel like everything I do now is under duress as it's a world away from what i used to do and who i used to be. I don't know how I can accept this as it's been forced upon me. Ugh, so sick of this, like the rest of you...

People keep giving me books to read. 
It’s kind of them but I just can’t concentrate on a paragraph let alone a whole book! 
I can only watch easy t.v. So it’s Bake Off, Sewing Bee, Gogglebox, Pottery Throwdown on a loop. 
I’ve watched all from series 1. In fact I’ve watched all series of Bake Off and back on series 1 again .

Since my beautiful Valen was taken from me I have only been to bed before 1am a handful of times. I usually force myself to go about 2am. 
This morning I finally turned the light out at 4am. But up again at 7. 
Not quite sure how I’m still able to do anything.
I’ve taken to going into the garden before bed, even in the rain, to look at the moon and stars if visible, and say goodnight to the universe.

Now the sadmin is done my days consist of jigsaws, art, craft, t.v, long walks, mum, crying on the shoulders of 2 friends in our cafe. 
And staring into space for hours. 
And crying. Crying. Crying. Wailing. Shouting. Crying.

But I have also laughed with those same 2 friends. 
But then felt guilty.  
Im starting a volunteer job in 2 weeks. 
Behind the scenes at our local museum. So if I have a “can’t leave the house” day I’m not letting anyone down.

xx

I finally made my way back to the gym. I started back there a year ago (January 2024). It has benefitted me as I have dropped 2 dress sizes I was a size 22-24 but now find that I am somewhere between a size 18-22. My eating habits have changed also. Jay loved cooking and a proper foodie and would cook for an army even though it was only the two of us but what he made you would eat because it was put in front of you and sometimes if it was too much and you left some he got slightly offended and thought you didn't like it. Now for me it's ready meals for one but ocassionally I will cook for myself but not to the extent he did. We started going to the gym 6 years ago when he got a diagnosis of Type 2 diabetes tow work on his weight loss so we did that and played badminton some days but then covid happened so everything just shut down and then once we managed to get back his cancer symptoms began to surface. When I went back to the gym last year the girls on the reception desk were so pleased to see me back. One of them said to me `right you've did the hard part coming through the front door so lets get you signed up now` my membership had well expired because I hadn't been back for 2 years with Jay's illness. I've taken up knitting as well and make little things like scarves, headbands etc and put them on selling sites for a little bit of pocket money and have amazed myself that they actually sell and sometimes I get 5* reviews- go me!. I've also gone back to driving. I wasn't able to drive for a number of years due to ill health myself but it was one of Jay's last wishes that I go back to it to have my independence so even in his last days he was making sure I was going to be ok. 

So, this involved going back to see my GP because my illness meant I was taking unexplained ocsassional blackouts, Epilepsy was ruled out because I got hospitalised for tests. I had epilepsy growing up but it left me in my late teens early twenties and they thought it had come back so had to stop driving for a long time. They decided that it can be a form of seizure but not epileptic and called disassociative seizures that can be brought on by extreme stress and anxiety. Funnily enough when Jay was going through his treatment I didn't seem to have any. So the GP agreed that I could re-apply for my drivers licence but on the condition that I feel dizzy have severe headaches etc I do not get behind the wheel. She said there is no real treatment we can give you for this other than anti-depressants which I take but she said just use common sense if you feel ill just don't drive. So I'm driving again and after all those years feels like I haven't been away. 

I look after my little granddaughter from time to time too. I am the `go to` grandparent it seems now if she needs looked after. But she's my little ray of sunshine and just loves being at granny's and sometimes comes for a sleepover. So a few things happening that I wish he was here to see but as I said I'm sure he will be somewhere watching and I just hope he approves of how I'm doing without him. Take Care everyone. 

Vicky xx 

A sad bad day.

My uncle passed today. 
He had metastatic prostate cancer and was in hospital. Mum spoke to him 3 days ago and he was talking about going home. 
His wife called yesterday, she was concerned, but not unduly, as he was spending so much time asleep and rewatching harder. 
When mum told me this I said to my sister “He is going. That’s exactly like my beautiful Valen his last days”.

He was my mums adored little brother. 
Her younger cousin who she was very close to passed away 2 weeks after Valen from a brain tumor. 
Her sister in law passed from a long term illness last week. 

My poor poor mum is really suffering. 
She is 90 this year and keeps asking why these good people are being taken before her. 
I am gong to spend all my energy and spoiling her from now on.

My sad bad day got worse on my way home. 
I bumped into a neighbour who went through brain surgery for a tumor with radiotherapy after. 
3 days ago she was told it has returned and spread to her liver and lungs and offered palliative care for her final months. 
She is thinking of refusing and is buggering off to Spain for 2 weeks before she can’t get about.

So I am having a glass of wine  and letting the tears flow.

What a truly awful day you have had. The glass of wine sounds like a bl…dy good idea. Kate.xxx

You let those tears out. Good to get them all out you'll feel a lot better after it. Maybe not, but it will help and not to keep everything bottled up. Enjoy your wine xx.