Where’s my sign?

Dear PTP, sending you my warmest wishes. In the months before he died, my husband, (who had never had more than a passing interest in ‘my’ garden other than to criticise), insisted that we buy so many plants, shrubs and trees... some I liked, some I hated and some I flat out refused to purchase - which caused several arguments (and now I wish I’d just said yes). He died in June. Many plants are still in their pots, a few I planted hastily. I know that, as I search to place them all this Autumn, each one will be a living souvenir or reminder of this dreadful year, but also of my husband.  I hope that even the ones that I didn’t want to buy will thrive. I have just started to dream again too. 

PTP   

The garden was always my domain. But that didn’t stop him making “helpful” suggestions on flowers, bushes and veg to grow and where. 
I planted out some bedding plants today and could hear him asking why I had set them out in that pattern. 

Then I got so upset that he wouldn’t see them that I threw a couple of violas at the wall in anger. 
Which made me even more upset as he wouldn’t not want that. 
But it did make me feel better for a few moments. 

But he always said I was to keep our garden flourishing for all the wildlife he loved. 
And I still have to look at it. 
So I went and replaced those I damaged and had a good potter.

I am especially glad I did this as it’s his 3 week anniversary today and I was dreading it. 
With the help of some true friends the day has passed relatively well, except my tantrum.

I think that having a necklace made with some of him in which I have been wearing since yesterday has helped me enormously.

Hugs to you all xx

Hello MrsVT. I almost feel that I’m there with you planting those Violas (and chucking them at the wall as well!). I spent today in the garden, too and was struck by the crazy weirdness of not having to go indoors as I’m ‘needed’ to do something for him ... Not being needed at all, ever again, is going to take some getting used to. Today is the third 17th of the month that he’s not here. He died on the 17th of June. xx

I pulled a few weeds out of mine today, i went into his log shed for the first time and filled a bag of logs wondering if ive taken the right ones as he has them dotted in sections, some still getting dried. Then my little gas lighter didnt work and i cudnt find the gas to fill it, i feel so useless without him. I had to order more off amazon to come tomorrow or i won't get the fire lit tomorrow. I live quite remote, been looking at houses nearer my friends and family, i cant stay in this house without him im so lonely. 

We had lit the fire every night until the day he died. I haven’t been able to bring myself to clear the wood-ash from the hearth. There are so many memories in that fireplace. Writing that down I know it sounds completely bonkers! I know just what you mean about all the different piles of wood! Big hug to you x

Thank you, my hubby loved his log burner, he was always cold due to thyroid getting removed with his throat cancer. I used to moan how hot it was in the house. For the first week I sat in the dark and cold, just couldn’t bring myself to light it. Then I thought he would be so annoyed with me doing that so bravely lit it, I’m nearly at the bottom of the kindling bag, I had for the first time ever going to have to buy some. Dreading when I get to the end of the logs he carefully cut in the log splitter.will need to buy some coal to keep me going through the winter. Isn’t strange how a fire can affect you, well one of many things. Trying to achieve one thing a day to recover from this nightmare. X

Doesn't sound bonkers to me Daisy!

The last Amazon order he placed arrived the day after he went. 
I know what’s in it - some Fortisip, the only flavour he liked, as he knew he would need it soon. 
I know it’s that, but I can’t bring myself to open it. 
Thats 3 weeks now it’s just sitting* there.

I really should change the sheets, but can’t bear the thought of washing him away.

His chilli plants have all finished, but they will stay in their pots in the garden as they are the last things he planted.

Im sitting typing this in his slippers which are to big for me, his T-shirt, ‘home’ jacket and joggers. 
And I’ll,keep wearing them till they can stand on their own.

I think in our surreal, horrendous situation we are all aloud to be a little bonkers ️

The last Amazon order he placed must have been the morning he died, it was a lovely bottle of my favourite brandy, I cried when I opened it, also he hadn’t planned on going anywhere as he also ordered a bottle of whisky got himself. X

I’m in the middle of ironing but had to stop as started crying again.

Ironing a Primark top. 
Never again will I wait at the bottom of the escalator in Primark waiting for him to come down with another t.shirt over his arm and me with nothing yet again.

Silly thing to think about. 

But silly little things are going to ambush us aren’t they.

Hugs to everyone having those moments today

Hi there, this morning has been awful. The flowers I planted for my husband Paul in the  spring are still looking beautiful. They were just for him, and a way of showing my love.  My daughter and I have been sobbing and cuddling each other in bed, over the loss of Daddy. She has been having nightmares and has been repressing the horrible nature of my husband’s death. That is my ambush of the day.