Why?

Hi Mrs VT welcome to the  forum. I dont know what to say except to send my sincere condolences and some heartfelt hugs your way. Just to re-assure you it is ok to not be ok. xx

Mrs VT,

You're not on your own with everything your experiencing.

It's normal to ask all these questions.

I am totally with you about the flowers. I hated getting them and put them outside and gave them to friends who could appreciate and love them, coz selfishly, I didn't. I didn't want death flowers. I wanted my husband not death flowers.

Please don't feel guilty for trying to live your life. Laughter is a good thing, but doesn't change anything. Just that for 2 seconds you could laugh.

Always feel you can share anything in here.

Sending huge hugs xx

Funnily enough those damn flowers are making me angry. 
So much waste. 
The lilies give me a headache. 
All the packaging.  
Acknowledging them. 

And like you say, Death Flowers.

The only nice 'gift' I got, were some vouchers for the shop Cook, so I didn't have to think about meals..... flipin great idea.

I'm never sending flowers again!

Hi Mrs VT, the pain is horrific isn’t it. My husband passed on the 4th August, so I am nine weeks into this horror story. He was diagnosed with kidney cancer in March, started chemo in May and was gone by August. I felt as though I had gone bonkers, and felt quite unhinged for a while, (at times I still do). I have found this forum very helpful as it is somewhere you can express yourself at any time and we all understand. Sending you hugs and strength. Xxx

Hi!

I'm almost 16 months in from losing my husband to bowel cancer. I can relate to what you are saying I think. It is so hard for you doing the caring to watch your loved one deteriorate in front of you. My husband was a `big bear` of a man and to watching him just reduce to a shadow of himself was really heart breaking. He was so happy go lucky and such a big presence one of those people you hear them before you see them. His cancer actually `came back for him`. He got it all cut out in January 2022 and went into remission then about 5 months later after getting blood tests done his cancer markers had risen and another CT scan confirmed it was back and unfortunately it wasn't leaving without him a second time. I still have days that I just still can't comprehend that he is gone. I sometimes have very vivid dreams of him and they feel so real and then I wake up and realise it was just a dream. Sixteen months on I find that I am doing things I never thought I could without him `man things` as I call them like seeing to the car little simple DIY tasks etc. I can't say if it has got any better without him I will say `slightly` because I am so sad that there are things he won't see like our son gets married next year and our little granddaughter starts school these are a couple of things he wanted to be here for but cancer had other ideas. I went through my first autumn/winter season without him last year and now I am going into my second. I am now realising just how alone I feel at this time of the year. Last year I was still processing losing him but this year it has hit me that little harder the shorter days and darker nights. We always liked this time of year just cosying up in our PJs at night and watching rubbish TV seems to weird to do that on my own now. 

Never feel guilty at laughing. It's good for you for just a couple of minutes. It's something I've not done for a very long time. He always made me laugh and it's sad if I see or do something stupid or what he would think funny, he's not here to see it but I know he is. I just keep telling myself he is somewhere still watching over me. Hard to comprehend being on your own after having someone by your side for 40 years but I'm getting there and hopefully you will too. My best wishes to you moving forward when you can please keep coming on here when you feel you need to everyone here will `get` what you are feeling and going through. Best Wishes.

Vicky x

Thank you everyone for your lovely honest posts.

Today was hard but it’s nearly over.  
One of my dearest friends said to me today “I know you’re not alright, so I won’t ask that. But shall we go somewhere you’ve not been before and you can shout, scream, rant and cry. And then I’ll hold you till you sleep”. 
I feel exhausted but calmer.

That’s beautiful. I hope you are able to get some rest. Xxx

Palpitations have started.

In 10 hours it will be 3 weeks.

I don’t have his ashes yet due to a mix up on his chosen casket. 
But I do have the necklace containing some of him that he chose for me to wear.

I clasp at it when the feelings overwhelm me and it does calm me.  
A tiny physical piece of him is with me.

I felt the same re the flowers . Set up donations for cancer research instead . I get everything you are  saying . My hubby was 54 . He had so much life to live . He suffered too . So awful to see . Take care of yourself xx