A year on and I am feeling worse

Hi Leigh!

I think I get what you are saying. I am 14 months in from losing my husband to bowel cancer. He passed in the hospital though with me at his side last June (2023) I like to think his passing was peaceful. I wasn't even aware that he had gone. He was lapsing in and out of consciousness and doing that horrible breathing they do at the end and then the breathing just stopped so thought he had just gone to sleep and when I tried to wake him he wouldn't so he had gone to sleep but for good. He wanted to be at home to pass but in the end it just wasn't possible because he took sepsis four times and on the fourth occasion his blood and oxygen levels dropped to more or less zero and he needed to be admitted to hospital again but stretchered out the house into the ambulance and he just went into hospital and never came back out again. I can't speak about what support you should have had at home but if you are looking for support for yourself you can come on here and contact MacMillan through their phone support line it will be listed on the website and there is also a chat facility you can use if you don't want to talk on the phone. They can organise counselling sessions for you over the phone I think its 6 free sessions you get through Marie Curie. I got those in January this year when I was struggling a bit and they helped you decide when you want them to phone you it can be weekly, fornightly or monthly you decide. Just having someone phone and check in on you just to chat really helps. There is also Cruse bereavement I have not used them personally but if you ask here they will be able to put you in contact with other sources I'm sure and just keep coming on to the forum. We've all been there and will get what you are going through it's a good place to come if you want to scream, shout or just have a rant about something. My best wishes to you going forward. Take Care.

Vicky. 

I am very sorry to read your post. I'm in a similar position, and I feel your pain: my wife died from cancer ten months ago. It's just me left behind - we don't have kids - and I am struggling with it all.

Leighcreek said:

Now I am questioning why we were left to do this alone, we were under a local hospice, not macmillan, but no help or guidance was given. Every time I called for help they just said call the district nurses.

I am very upset to read that: you deserved better. I hope the district nurses did provide you with help when you needed it.

Leighcreek said:

I suppose my post has 2 points, is it normal to be left alone to support your loved one as they die. Where can I now get support as every day I feel sadder and guilty that I failed him.

On the first question, everybody deserves full support, and you shouldn't have been left on your own with no help. That said, my experience and observation is that support services run much less well at night time, and over weekends, than they do during normal business hours. I don't think that that should be the case - but, unfortunately, it definitely is.

On the second question: firstly, please never  think that you failed your husband! You will have done everything possible to help him - and he will have known that.

Regarding getting support for yourself, PattyK has already made a couple of good suggestions. Depending on where you live, you might also be able to contact a local 'Maggie's Centre' - see https://www.maggies.org/ . And, in addition, the hospice who were managing your husband's case might be able to provide some help. I hope that, among all those suggestions, you get somewhere.

For myself, I have had some bereavement counselling provided by the hospice who managed my wife's case in her final week (my wife was at home, but the hospice medical team visited daily) and I did find that helpful. Because I am struggling with everything, I have also recently visited a local Maggie's Centre, and I am about to join a bereavement group there, which I hope will help me.

None of us want to be in this awful position. But we have a duty to carry on, in loving memory of those we have lost. I send you love, hope, and my very best wishes.