What to do.

Hello to everyone on this thread. Like Insanity Kate says, I too would’ve gone bonkers if it wasn’t for this forum and finding people who truly do understand what we’re going through/ have gone through. I haven’t cried much since my husband died in June. Up until now I have still been living on that adrenaline. Even though I ‘know’ that he’s dead, I feel he is almost ‘in hospital’, or almost ‘somewhere else’; not really dead.

However I’ve just had a couple of days where reality hit. There was a huge box of Fentanyl patches, Actiskenan/morphine pills and all the other drugs that were unused after he died in June. I had put the box out of the way. I felt that I should take them all back to the pharmacy for disposal but couldn’t face it.  Well I took them in on Friday and burst into tears the moment I stepped into the place. I have spent so much time there collecting medication/ discussing prescriptions etc. this past year that the pharmacist is almost like a friend. The pharmacy was also the only place I went where I occasionally bumped into people I knew. Otherwise my world was, more or less, just me, my husband, the nurses and palliative care team.

I think the box of drugs was almost a talisman of what the end of his life had become. Handing the drugs over feels strangely like handing him over too. It has been more painful than I could have imagined or expected.

Like Sad1 I’m still making endless lists to help me concentrate on what needs doing; but also to give me some kind of structure - otherwise the days seem endless/ out of focus. And yes the tiredness and overwhelming fatigue is constantly there.

Warmest wishes to everyone here. It really is hard.

Hi DaisyD22

i cried reading your post as it describes me and my story exactly,except I haven’t gone through meds yet. Also lost my husband in June, and have been on adrenaline since, with bouts of welling up but not crying, not sleeping properly and just existing, getting through each day. I miss him so much but glad he’s not suffering anymore. Sorry for going on as I know everyone on here feels the same xx

Hi there, I am so sorry you are going through this torture as well. I can’t even get close to sorting meds, clothes, personal stuff. I am trying to sort probate at the moment, and can’t concentrate for more than half an hour. I am going to have to have a sleep and force myself to go back to it later. Kind regards.

Honestly you’re not ‘going on’ at all! If ever you feel like chatting (or raging) about the hand you’ve been dealt, please message me. xx

Good luck with the probate. I’ve got that to do in a month or so. Take care of yourself xx

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I'm glad that reading helps you. I am.finding my mind is only letting me process small amounts at a time so I'm just going with it for now. I'm so glad I posted here and found all the lovely support. Lots of love to you xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a surreal time. I have cried alot but sometimes my mind seems to not allow me to think too much, maybe it's trying to protect me. So I am just taking each day as it comes and feel how I feel. I have had some really awful moments and then other times feel "OK ish" I'm sending you lots of love back and a big hug xxxx

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I totally agree about the endless days . There is alot to do and I don't want to face any of it x  I get it about the medication- my mom took ours back to the chemist for me as I couldn't face it..I've got a prescription myself to pick up but can't face going in there at the moment. 

Sending love your way ️ 

I’m in a similar position . My husband died 4 July and I just can’t believe it .not  only his things but coming home alone To our house  so hard to . He was 54 . And died with myself his mum and bro s present and my sister and my sons . But as it’s 9 weeks I get the feeling I should be moving on but that’s not an option yet . Take things at your pace . Sort the main issues first funeral etc . Iv stayed at my sisters a lot . Do you have family to help? Also look at the various help advice available . Try and go into works do , holidays etc it will be hard but itll

make u feel better once done . It’s all the milestones isn’t it . I’m happy to message if you want to . Kind regards a f so sorry for your loss xxx

Thank you, it means a lot.