What to do.

I'm so sorry for your loss of your husband.  9 weeks is not long at all so don't be hard on yourself about timelines. I have been told by my therapist (who I was seeing throughout my husband's illness) that ther is no timeline and no "shoulds" It's a personal journey x I have my family and friends around so I'm not alone (although it feels so lonely doesn't it) . Please reach out if you need to chat.x biggest of hugs xxx

Hi Thankyou for the reply . I’m just sitting here alone when I read it . Yes it’s very lonely . I miss him coming in from work etc well I miss him all the time . As the other lady said I don’t know what to do with myself . I have a sister I stay with sometimes and sons and wider family so I’m lucky but that doesn’t take away the change in my life xx

Amy, I have just read your first message and could have written it myself!

My beautiful soulmate was ripped from me on the 26th. 
4 weeks after we were told he may get 3-6 months if he started chemo.

Yesterday was his funeral and celebration of my gentle husbands life.

Tonight I watched an episode of Ghosts and was laughing out loud. 
I felt bloody awful. 
How the hell can I laugh like that when I won’t ever hear his laugh again. 
As you said, it felt disrespectful.

But then, my darling man would be horrified if he heard me say that!! 
And I said to myself, out loud, It’s OK Sylv, you are aloud to laugh.

As others have said, there are no rules. There are no rights or wrongs. Everyone is different.

We are all going through this horrific and traumatic time. But others have survived before us and others will survive after us.

We are lucky that we have found this forum where we have people who understand our confusion.

Love vibes to you all xx

Hello Amy,

So sorry for your loss. Yes it is hard just now as it is very early days for you but as they say `time is a healer` although others may see that differently. I am 16 months in from losing my husband last June (2023) to bowel cancer. He fought it so hard for almost two years taking everything they could throw at him bar the kitchen sink. He did go into remission in January 2022 after his operation but 5 months later after blood tests showed his cancer markers had risen and he had another CT scan `the bugger` was back. He was put back on chemo but it made him very ill and caused kidney damage and so was withdrawn altogether. Funny you say your husband passed the day after your anniversary Jay (my husband) passed two days after ours it was as if he was hanging on just to see one last anniversary out with me. He wanted to be at home to pass but it wasn't possible as he took sepsis four times and it was on the 4th bout that he had to be rushed back into hospital and with that and his advancing cancer he never came home again. I was very desperate in his final days to the extent that I took the attitude if he's not going to be here, then neither do I. But `thinking about` going was as far as I got and I had the incentive to reach out to helplines etc I just could not see a way forward. I have managed to do certain things on my own which I never thought I would be able to and have amazed myself. I can't say to you when things will get better because we all deal with grief at different levels and stages. It has just really began to hit me now that Jay is not here especially going into the autumn/winter months. Last year it didn't affect me so bad I think because I think I was still processing him being gone. I couldn't cry at the beginning for him but recently that has been coming in little `bursts` and once it has happened I feel that bit better. Just coming on here when you feel you need to express how you are feeling or just to have a good old rant because we all `get it` we've all been there some of us still are I think there are the MacMillan helplines too you'll get their number on the website and I think there is still the chat facility if you feel that would be better other than speaking on the phone. Take care of yourself and best wishes to you moving forward.

Vicky x

Hello x I'm so very sorry for your loss. This is the most painful time and I hope you are being kind to yourself. I know our husbands would want us to laugh - I have come to realise that we are allowed to take a break from this immense pain.  It doesn't go away and it's so intense that having some moments of lightness must be good for us. It's a long road we are on and being kind to ourselves will help us travel it better I think. 

Huge hugs to you xxx

Hi Vicky x

Thank you for your lovely words - your husband definitely wanted to spend one last anniversary with you. I have moved to the stage now where the numbness and shock has worn away and the pain is intense. I am fortunate to have great friends and family around and the support of forums such as this is such a lifeline. I am dreading Christmas but know somehow I'll manage to get through. One of my husbands biggest concerns was for my wellbeing without him and I will continue to push forward for him.

Sending you lots of love ️ 

Christmas.

I had a bit of a melt down last week in Sainsbury’s Christmas aisle. 
He loved it. The tree. The lights. The nicnac decorations. The Snowman film. 
Taste testing mince pies so we had the best on Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

One of my friends who is not Christmassy at all opens her cafe on Christmas and Boxing Days and caters for those on their own or elderly or disadvantaged. 
So I will be joining her. He would approve of that.

I can’t think of a better tribute. Sending you such a big hug xx

What a wonderful tribute to your husband ️ and such a kind and thoughtful thing to do xxx