What to do.

Hi Amy,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my husband nearly 7 years ago, but I sometimes check in on here, hopefully to encourage if I can.

I don't think it's wrong at all to distract yourself for a while, or watch TV. In fact, it's probably a good thing, as we can only cope with so much grief/trauma. It's certainly in no way disrespectful.

After only a few days, you are in total shock. Just do whatever helps you, there's no rules, or right or wrong, we each cope in different ways.

I remember how scared I felt in the beginning. We'd been married 35 years, so it was a long time since I'd had to cope on my own. You will cope, I'm sure, but in the initial period it's hard to imagine we ever will. I can't say I always like coping on my own, but for the most part, I do!

I used this forum a lot in the early days, and I found it very helpful to 'talk' to others in my situation. I certainly recommend coming here for support, or just to say how you're feeling.

Sending you a virtual hug x

Thank you so much for your reply and words of encouragement. I'm so sorry you also experienced the loss of your husband. It's such a strange and surreal time and the days seem endlessly long. It really is helpful to hear from others who have been through this and perhaps realise there is no "normal" way to go through this.

Sending a big hug back ️

So sorry for your loss.

My husband passed 1 month ago tomorrow, I can't believe it.

I've found making lists and notes about everything has helped me try and organise myself when my brain can't cope. 

Just do what you can when you can.

It's so very hard to get out of bed and have to face another empty day.

Sending healing hugs

I'm so sorry that you are going through this too.  It's so lonely and strange. I feel an overwhelming tiredness and I don't have the strength to think about the future yet..

I'm sending you a massive hug xx

Amy xx

Oh Amy, 

It's an unbelievablely horrible thing to go through. 

I totally understand being tired all the time. 

I don't want to go to bed at night, cos then I have to start another day without him.

At 6.30pm tonight will be 1 whole month without him....... how can that be real. 

Here for you, if you need me.

Xx

It must be a difficult day for.you. I hope.you have some support around you. It's so surreal isn't it, like a dream. I will be.thinking of you and I'm sending you lots of hugs xxxxxxxx

Hi,

I am very sorry to read your post, and I feel your pain. You will be mentally reeling with grief. My own wife died ten months ago - and I still really can't believe what's happened. Nothing I can say here will ease your pain, but all I know is that all of us in this situation have a duty to carry on, in memory of the loved ones we've lost.

There is no right or wrong way to approach this calamity - but I hope you can find things which help. And, please, never feel guilty - or 'disrespectful' - for anything which does help you. Whenever I find myself questioning things like that, I try to imagine what it would have been like had it been me who had died, rather than my wife (as I dearly wish was the case.) Had things worked out like that, I would have both wanted - and expected  -  my wife to carry on, and to live a decent, fulfilling, and happy life. So that's what I tell myself that I need to do - even though it currently feels impossible.

On this:

Perkins55 said:

I cant face sorting any of his things yet as it's too painful

For me, ten months in, I still haven't touched any of my wife's things: it's just too painful to contemplate. I guess I will do it all in time - but there is no rush. So my 'advice' is to not worry about it. Some things - e.g. the funeral; and perhaps the will - do need to be dealt with to a particular timetable. But the rest can wait until you are ready.

I send you love, hope, and best wishes.

Thank you for your reply and comforting words. I am so very sorry about your wife. It's unfathomable that this happens to so many people, it's so very cruel. Your words have helped alot- my husband would want me to carry on , when he was in hospital about a month ago I had a cinema trip planned which naturally I wanted to cancel.  He wouldn't hear of it and insisted I go and it did me good. 

I am taking it one day at a time, I am not ready to think about the future yet so plan on taking each day as it arrives.

Thank you again and I'm sending you lots of love ️ 

Hi there, I am so sorry you are going through this pain. My husband died on the 4th August, so it is just over a month since he passed. Reading was a great comfort to me, as it blocked the difficult nature of his death for a while. When you are caring for your loved one, you are living off adrenaline. My son, daughter and I ran our own triage, 24/7 team from home. It was exhausting. Distraction is a way of letting your brain process the loss. I am so pleased I found support on this website, as I think I would have gone bonkers by now. Kind regards.

Hi Perkins55

So sorry for your loss, this is a group no one wants to join.

its in no way disrespectful to read or watch tv, I lost my husband of 45 years in June, been together since I was 18. I too carried on almost as though nothing had changed and he was just in hospital. I was totally numb, didn’t really cry (still haven’t). You will cope as best you can by getting through each day, each hour. Hope you have family and friends close by and remember we are all here for you and know what you are going through. Love and hugs xx