Unresolved anger after my wifes death

Sorry to read this Noteatingenough. Wish I had words that could put a positive spin on this but I don't. This kind of thing goes on in a lot of families unfortunately. I seem to have been `forgotten about` by my late husband's family. But they are quick to post on social media what they are up to where they're going and what they are doing. Well one of his nephews and his family does. I don't hear from the other one and his family either but they are not so self-centred. His oldest nephew phoned me about a month ago and I missed his call and sent a message to him. Said he would phone me back. I'm still waiting! It's just as though my husband, his brother, his sister-in-law and his mum and dad are all gone now so me and my son and his partner are all forgotten about as though we don't exist. Unlike your family though, they did come to my husband's funeral the two nephews were part of the coffin bearers. I'm not asking much just a phone call now and again would be nice but don't even get that. Forgive me but your family sound `a proper shower` and quite self-centred. Sometimes they say you are better off without certain family members but what do you if they are more or less all you have. I send you best wishes in trying to move forward as best you. Can. 

Vicky.

You're not wrong. 

Hi,

I replied to a previous post of yours, because I am in the same state as you described in that post. But I can very much relate to this one as well: I have had very similar experiences.

My direct family are all abroad, and far away. It was looking like none of them were going to attend my wife's funeral, despite the fact that my wife loved them all, and had frequently travelled out there to see them. But, at the last minute, one of my brothers came over, and then stayed for two weeks. I was grateful that he came - I would have been very sad if none of my direct family had attended - but he didn't really understand why I was in such a bad emotional state, and he just didn't really get it at all.

My wife's direct family are in the UK. Some of them came to the funeral, but not all. And they had given me very little practical support in organizing the funeral: I had just been left by myself, in a lonely house, to get on with it.

I have pondered all this a lot - but I have decided to not get angry about any of it. Getting angry won't help me. And families are weird. In addition, for sure, everybody is different. In the case of my brother, I think he really does lack empathy: he doesn't feel emotions in the same way as I do, or as (I think) most people do. And I think my wife's family, while generally decent, are mostly so bound up in the their own affairs that they don't understand the depth of grief I am in.

I wish things were different. I feel pretty abandoned - and totally alone. On the upside, I do have a couple of good friends who have been trying to help me. Even though they live a long way away, they have been good about keeping in touch with me, and seeing how I am. I think they really do understand. In addition, I have been cheered up by a couple of my wife's friends (she had many more than me) who have also been making an effort to try to keep in touch, and to help me.

NotEatingEnough said:

and i have this desire to keep her memory alive inside of me. It feels like i am failing. 

You are not failing! The memory of your wife will live on in your heart forever.

There is no easy way out of this appalling predicament. I haven't got any glib advice, other than, if possible, to avoid getting angry. Try to banish any negativity about the odd way that other people behave. And in addition, lean on any friends you have.

I send you waves of love and hope. And I wish us both the very best for the future. We don't know what will happen but, as I said in my reply to your previous post, I do know that we have a responsibility to our dear wives to carry on, and to live decent, productive, and fulfilling lives: it's what our wives would both want and expect. But it will be very difficult.

As I've said and you too PTP families can be `funny` and I don't mean funny ha ha but funny peculiar.  None of my husbands family even acknowledged the anniversary of his passing on the 23rd June or last Friday which was a year to the day we had his funeral. Not one of them texted or phoned me and his oldest nephew was really close to him. He used to take him out to work with him when he was a little boy during school holidays and take him fishing etc.  One of my husband's workmates actually texted me on the anniversary of the day he passed and he's not even family and he had texted my son also. I was very touched that he actually remembered as Jay (my husband) had requested that this workmate be one of the coffin bearers and Jay phoned him himself from his hospital bed to tell him that and the poor guy just got really upset and broke down crying over the phone. So that just shows sometimes there are people who think more or you outside your own family. I appreciate they will be busy with their own lives etc but it only takes a few minutes out of your day to make a phone call. I wish you well moving forward. 

Vicky.