I have just passed the one year milestone of losing my lovely husband Jay to bowel cancer. He fought so hard for almost 2 years and at one time going into remission only for it to cruelly return months later and decided it was taking him this time. I really thought I was doing ok but just over the last few days it has really hit me that I am now on my own. I usually come on here and try and give support to others who are going through the same as we all get here what one another are going through. But as I said just recently I have come to a realisation that I am on my own and I can now see what other widows (yes I can officially call myself that now) go through. The summer has not been great weatherwise this year I think for all of the UK (I'm in Scotland) so that has darkened my mood slightly also.
My sister got a bowel cancer diagnosis just two months after Jay passed although hers was not as serious as Jay's was but still serious enough with the need to be operated. She became very anaemic and needed blood transfusions before her operation. Her tumour was very small so they were able to get it out with no problems and she did not need pre or post chemo or radiotherapy. She has been recovering well but just recently she had to go for a bone scan. She got breast cancer five years ago but they were able to catch that also as it was in it's very early stages. The nurse I spoke to last week when she went for her bone scan said this is just `routine` tests they do for someone who has been through cancer like just keeping tabs on them to make sure everything is ok but at the same time picking up anything that may show up as abnormal. I was under the assumption that they had found something again and this is why she needed this scan so set my mind at ease slightly. She also has to go for a CT scan for her chest abdomen and pelvis next week so this has unsettled me slightly again as this was one of the scans that Jay had to go for and this was the one that confirmed his cancer had returned.
I know everyone's cancer journeys are different and sometimes no two diagnosis are the same but I just feel that this could be history repeating itself which I really hope isn't. I try to keep myself occupied and busy throughout the day but that feeling of `loneliness` and `emptiness` is always there. I have been trying to deny that everything is fine but some days it's not. I have rejoined my local gym and try to get there a couple of times a week this was something Jay and I did together and used to play badminton a couple of times a week also to help with his diabetes diagnosis he got before the cancer came along. I have a little dog I need to walk each day too he was Jay's a Christmas gift from myself and my son 11 years ago and have got back into my hobbies of knitting and studying I was doing some free online courses ran by a local college when everywhere was in lockdown because of covid and I have kept those up but of course when Jay got really ill all this needed to take a backseat. I have got back to driving so no excuse if I want to go anywhere but I just can't shake this feeling of being alone just now. Jay and I more or less done everything and went everywhere together. We had so many plans for our later years but all that has gone now.
We owned a static caravan in Argyll in Scotland where we went regularly our little bolthole a `home from home` but I had to let that go as the upkeep was too much for me to take on on my own. I asked my son and his partner if they wanted to take it on but they have their own comittments. I also have a little granddaughter who I adore. She was born just at the time just before Jay got his cancer diagnosis he was over the moon he finally got to be a grandad but only saw the first two and half years of her life. She is four years old this year and goes to school next year something Jay was adamant he would be here for but sadly not to be. My son and his partner get married in February next year so another event he won't see either.
I'm just asking myself now what other's come on here and ask `will things get better` or is this the way it is going to be from now on. I just feel as though cancer is following me around and won't leave me alone as if I have done something bad in the past and this is karma getting me back. My house is not a home anymore. I want to change so much in it but just do not have the incentive to do so. I am so full of ideas about what I want to do but they never materialise. Some days just seem to morph into one another and I feel there is no Monday, Tuesday etc just `days`. I have been back to my doctor and she has given me short term courses of diazepam which help me sleep at night because some nights its hard to do that and this can make it all the more difficult to get up in the mornings. I have had some counselling through different sources and it has helped. Maybe need to try that again at some point. Thank you for listening and reading this if you have and I wish you all all the best in your journeys of trying to move forward like myself.
Vicky x
