Constant crying

11 replies
31 subscribers
510 views

Hi I'm new here.

My wife died in April. 6 months after being diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic pancreatic cancer that had spread to her liver and lymph nodes.

She was diagnosed as a result of a stroke. She had just turned 54 a few weeks before the stroke.

I've been struggling emotionally this week, and I'm embarrassed to admit that I've spent most of this evening in tears.

She was the extrovert as is often the case and organised our social life. I was her husband who did the BBQ and fixed things.

I'm struggling without her. Everyone has disappeared.

My family is all in Ireland and hers in New Zealand

All my work colleagues are all over the UK and Europe. I have no one to talk to.

I just want to talk to someone who knew her . Say her name. Tell stories.

I am completely lost and alone. I dread my future.

I feel both too young to experience this and yet to old to start again. I can't really even imagine starting again.

Is this normal.

I think I may be suffering PTSD after watching her die. I can't get it out of my mind. I can't imagine what mental suffering she endured knowing she was dying. She didn't eat for 6 weeks before her death .

There was nothing left of her. It was horrific.

I don't know what else to say

Is there anyone out there ?

PattyK 2 months ago in reply to PTP

Hi PTP!

I too have introduced physical activity to my routine and it does help. I rejoined my local gym that Jay and I used to go to together initially to help him with his diabetes diagnosis before his cancer symptoms surfaced. Some days too I feel I can't be bothered with it but I get up put the gym gear on and I'm ready for it and after it I feel so much better. I try and get to the gym 2 or 3 times a week my membership only allows me to go on certain days but I just feel so good after it and I'm on pensioner rates so it doesn't cost the earth. My weight has dropped also as a result I was very overweight but then Jay was a proper `foodie` and cooking was one of his passions and if he made it, I would eat it just because it was there. The amount he cooked too it was like he was cooking for an army and it was only the two of us. So I don't have now as I say have Jay size food portions anymore and at the end of the day you're just cooking for yourself so that could be just a ready meal for one or something. I am getting back into clothes which were once too tight and jackets I couldn't button up before now button with ease so that's a sign its working.

I have also tried to get back into my hobbies also. Everything took a backseat obviously when Jay was very ill. I love learning and during lockdown I found some free online courses a local college was running and I have continued with these since and I also like knitting which can be very relaxing. I also look after my little granddaughter from time to time. I think it's just trying to find a `new you` after having someone by your side after 40 years. Everything used to be `what we are going to do` now `it's what you are going to do` and some days I still forget that and realise its just me- my decisions on everything. I still have weeks which are quite overwhelming and I just feel I have no motiviation at all. This last few weeks have been just like that but those last couple of weeks have marked the first year of Jays passing and having his funeral so I sort of think I was expecting to feel like this Hoping now the year milestone has passed I may be able to start moving forward properly in some way. My best wishes to you all moving forward.

Vicky

More from this forum

Constant crying