A new phase of grief ?

Hi Fifi!- My fellow Scottish Person!

So sorry to hear you are having a rough time. You are usually the one who is on here dishing out advice to the rest of us but at the end of the day we are all human. This coming Friday one year to the day I held Jay's funeral. So much for me has happened in this year things I have done which I would like to think he would have been proud of and I keep saying to myself if he could just come back for one day so I could say to him `look what I did` and just tell him what has been happening since he's been gone. 

As a cruel twist of fate I have to go to the hospital this coming Friday (of all days) with my sister. She has been recovering well from her bowel cancer but they have discovered lesions on her bones and they want her to have a CT scan so everything is kind of `triggering` for me again. I'm trying to adopt the attitude that it will be `something and nothing`. Hospitals just seem to drag me back when I think I've seen the back of them. Yes I daresay grief just creeps up on us when we least expect it. You think you're doing ok as you say and then `bang` there it is. And I get that people may be more reluctant to speak you the `how are you?` and `are you ok?` wane a bit after a while and at the same time you don't want to keep talking about it incase you are boring or burdening people. You tell people it's been a year and you get the sympathetic reply `is that a year already`? but then they just move on to some other topic of conversation. As long as we have these forums to come to when we feel like this is a help and support in itself. Sending you hugs and Best wishes. 

Vicky x

Hi Fifinet.

You've captured all that I am currently feeling so perfectly.    I'm feeling lost and alone as well. 

I too have had work done in the house and it was stressful.  I've also done a mammoth declutter as there was a load of stuff from Nic's parents house as well as his hoards.  It's taken the 3.5 years since he died to do it, but I'm nearly there.

I've gone back to work 12 hours a week, but the office is opposite the hospital where Nic had much of his treatment and subsequently died.  It pains me every day I go in, but I took the job knowing where it was so try to block it out.  It came along at the right time as I knew I was going to lose my dog (which I now have) so would need some focus and a reason to get out of the house.  

I'm just so tired all the time and, like you say, grief is exhausting.

I hope you feel a bit more positive soon.

Hugs to you and all on here.

Hello Vicky 

Thank you for replying. A new day and I feel my Scottish spirit rising up again ! I am sorry to hear about your sister though and will be thinking of you on Friday.

I do try to help others and hope my experiences with grief might be helpful. Each day is a challenge but we don't know what is to come. Enjoy the simple things.

My little cat Missy, who likes her routine just as much as me. We have both been upset these last few weeks with the painting and furniture moving. Calm today.

Take care little Scottish person !

Hugs 

Hello and thank you for your reply too. Just shows you. I nearly didn't write that yesterday but in reading yours and Vicky's posts, I was glad I did. We do feel alone a lot of the time, and it hurts. It hurts too to see all the other couples. Whether they are happy or not in their relationship, but they have each other. Making decisions on your own, maybe making mistakes, just getting up each day with a focus, is massively tiring.But we have to, don't we ? For our loved ones.

Sorry to hear about your dog. How well I understand. My little cat Missy is my only companion. Complete adoration !  Maybe you will get another dog. I hope so.

Good you have some work to go to but with sad memories too. 

Well, another day. What will happen , who knows ? Painting stopped for the moment.

A quiet day with Missy I think !

Hugs to you 

Hi Fifi!

Good to hear from you. I'm not that good myself this week I think it is the thought of Friday that is getting me. I just have no motivation this week but as the singer Pink says in one of her songs `You gotta get up and Try` I heard that song on the radio in the car the other week and it stuck and I've kind of adopted it as my `mantra` some of the words in that song are quite apt and the tune is quite uplifting so I ask `Alexa` to play it for me from time to time I still get good and bad weeks like yourself no doubt  Some weeks I'm fine and other weeks it just hits `why I am I doing this` `what is the point of doing this` etc. so much I still want to do but right now the incentive is just not there. I always have good intentions of I'll do this/that tomorrow but tomorrow never happens and now as I said already just when I thought I had my fill of hospitals for a while they're dragging me back again I've had my 6 months/a year off so time to hit me with something else now. Just need to see if I can get some of the `Scottish Spirit` you were talking about in me as well. Take Care my Scottish friend and sending you hugs and best wishes. 

Vicky x

Hi there 

Just wanted to know how Friday had gone ? Hope things are ok.

Hugs from a Fellow Scot.

Hi fifi!

Thanks for your reply. Well, I went with my sister for her scan on Friday she had to go to the Nuclear medicines department to get her jag so she was radioactive for 24 hours. The nurse seeing to her said that these scans are for people who have had cancer and came through it and are routine. I may have then picked up my sisters specialist wrong in that I assumed that the scan was for something they had found but seemingly it's routine to keep tabs on her but at the same time picking up anything abnormal at the same time. Either that or she just didn't explain it properly. So she went for her injection Friday morning then had to go back for the bone scan in the afternoon. The results will go back to the specialist in 7-10 days but she has to go for a CT scan for her chest pelvis and abdomen on the 23rd of this month. This is slightly unsettling for me because this is the exact scan Jay went for so I went from feeling a little relieved after what the nurse told us to being slightly unsettled again knowing she has this CT looming now. 

I got over Friday being the anniversary of Jay's funeral ok too. I dropped my sister home and then went along to the crematorium on Friday evening and just sat in the car park for a little while `speaking to Jay` just because it was a year ago we were there giving him his final farewell. I didn't have flowers with me or anything and I don't have a plot or anything for him,  but just sitting there and `speaking` to him was quite peaceful. I was watching my little granddaughter yesterday as well for a little while this seems to be becoming a regular Saturday thing as my son does regular overtime and his partner works on Saturdays and its a regular shift day for her. I had a fall yesterday too but think my pride and dignity were more dented than my bruises. My granddaughter had her toys lying everywhere and me not paying attention trying to talk to William (my son) when he came to pick her up I missed my footing and tripped over one of her toys and down I went face down but luckily I fell face down and my head got cushioned by the sofa. My knee just got a little bruised and the inside of my bottom lip is a bit sore and my neck and shoulders are a little stiff today but I'm fine otherwise. William got me sitting up on the sofa and got me a drink of water. I was just slightly stunned for a couple of minutes but I was fine. So I'm putting all this down to Jay sitting up there having a laugh at my expense. 

A little bit down over this weekend but I expected I would feel like this. It's the `Fair Weekend` in Glasgow as well. It's dry but the sun is refusing to come out which is unusual usually the sun comes out at the Fair. Thanks for getting back to me. Hope you are keeping a bit better yourself. Take care Scottish Person. 

Vicky xx