it is 10 months today since my husband died, we had been together for 53 years, he was a much loved 'step daddy' to my girls and much loved by everyone who knew him. he was diagnosed with lung cancer 7 years ago, so it was a long battle with the dreaded condition. he did well with all his treatments
, operations, chemo, radiation, immunotherapy, but in the end, he lost the battle,and it was dreadful to see the wonderful fit man , before the cancer, slowly get eaten away.
initially after all the legal stuff was sorted and his cremation i think i was better than i now am. everyday i seem to be on 'automatic' i struggle out of bed, feed the dog,( who is a great joy in my life) make tea and toast, do the dishes, vacumm around the house, walk the dog in the woods, or sometimes go to the beach, but it is the same day after day.... my girls are now grown women with their own lives and no way do i want to be a burden on them... i have a car standing outside, with a full tank of petrol, so i could take myself off somewhere today, but will I? probably not. this morning i could have gone to a coffee morning, but it is the village where we used to live, before we moved abroad for 16 years, (back in uk now of course) but i just knew that there would be people there who would come up to me and say ' sorry to hear about harry' and i think i would cry, and i don't want to appear weak, so i will not go, i will take my lovely girlie up the woods, come home, make a coffee and sit in my garden chalet, listening to music and reading. i am not young any more, and have diveloped health issues of my own, but that is nothing to the loneliness and sense of 'abandonment' i feel. .
how do you stop feeling sorry for yourself, because i really want to try to enjoy, perhaps wrong word. what is left of my life.
love to all who contribute to this forum, so very hard for all of us.
thank you. MAUREEN T.
Hello Maureen,
So sorry for your loss. I do get what you are going through. I was just a year in last weekend from losing my husband after a two year fight with bowel cancer. I get what you mean about being on `autopilot` I still get like this some days and you are right sometimes the days just morph into each other and you can be so full of good intentions of saying I'm going to do this/that today or tomorrow but sometimes when it comes to it the this/that doesn't get done. I still sometimes wake in the morning wondering what the point is of getting out of bed just to do what I more or less did the day before but like you, I have a little dog and he is my reason for getting up in the morning as he needs to be walked. I have an older sister who lives not far from me practically within walking distance and she has learning difficulties and I partly look after her. She can do for herself but needs me for a lot of other things. I have a son who lives not far from me with his partner and their little girl. Yes the silence can sometimes be deafening and I now miss my husband's big `foghorn` voice I was always telling him to `bring it down a decibel` at times because even when he sat within inches of you he tended to shout other than speak
. I am trying to move forward now be it slowly as the 1 year `milestone` has past. I just hope it does get easier. My best wishes to you moving forward.
Vicky x
