52 with 9 year old daughter

Hi MrMarcus 

Sorry to read about your wife and totally get your worry. My wife was in a coma in intensive care when my son was a similar age and I was trying to cope with trying to work out how we could manage if she died.

One plus for us is we had selected guardians for Michael in the event that something had happened to both of us - they had adopted a boy a little bit older then Michael so we were confident they would be able to cope.

Have you tried talking to anyone about how you are feeling? You could start by ringing the helpline here - 0808 808 0000 - it is open 8am to 8pm 7 days a week

For us Michael's school was also a great source of support.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Update: it’s was 2 weeks yesterday since my wife’s passing, it seems like both ages ago and just yesterday.

i am finding it really tough as the shock dissipates and the reality kicks in. Simple things like doing clothes washing or cooking for my daughter are daunting.

i read here people hitting the 2 year mark and still struggling so I feel like a could be in for a long ride as my situation as still very new.

i think I am going to try get some counceling, has that been beneficial for any of you, where should I start. I also feel like I should be doing the same for my daughter but she seems to be doing ok with the distraction of friends and I don’t want to force her to deal with the loss if she is not ready.

Thank you

Hello. My husband died on the 17th June. We were together for 40 years. I know exactly what you mean when you say that it feels like ages ago and yesterday! He had bowel cancer too. We didn’t have children so I can only guess how you are feeling, but I wanted to send you my warmest wishes. The palliative care team have offered me counseling and I have the first session on Monday. I’m not sure what I expect from it, but I will try.

Hello Mr Marcus

I have just saw out the first `milestone` if you like of my husband's passing. He passed on the 23rd June last year after a two year fight with bowel cancer. I am only a year in and yes there are people who come on here who are further on than I am the 2/3 year mark so I can't really say yet if it will get better. It doesn't feel like a year and feels longer but that year flies past. I still sometimes find it hard to get up in the morning and the days just seem to morph into one another some days I wonder why I am getting up just to do what I did the day before and just feels like `groundhog day` at times. I get full of good intentions of what I want to do I'll say I'll do this/that tomorrow or today but this/that sometimes never materialises if I have no incentive to do so.

I have a little dog though and he is my reason for getting out of bed in the morning as he needs to be walked. My son is in his 30's and lives with his fiance and their little girl not far from me. My little granddaughter who is almost 4 years old asks me sometimes where her grandad (`papa`) is and I try to explain to her best I can that he was very sick and the doctors couldn't make him better so the angels came down from heaven to take him to live with them and make him better. She will think for a minute and then say `so my papa lives up in the sky`? and I say yes and then she says `but granny, I can't see him up in the sky` and I say `no darling but he see's you so you need to be a good girl because he's watching` and then she just says Ok and away she goes carrying on with what she was doing. I told my son this and he says she had been asking them too and they tell her when she goes to bed at night and looks out the window and sees the two brightest stars in the sky (my son's partner just lost her mother in April this year- cancer also) she blows kisses to them as one is her papa and the other is her granny. 

It can be hard to explain to children especially if they are young like yours but you just have to try your best and tell them in a way as best you can and what you feel is right. Is all you can do I suppose. 

Since Jay (my husband) passed I have managed to make a few `small achievements` on my own which I have amazed myself with. When he was in his final days I was a mess and felt quite desperate to the extent that if he wasn't going to be here then I didn't want to be either but found the strength to reach out to different organisations for help here at MacMillan being one of them. These forums are good and anytime you feel you need to vent, scream, or just let off steam come on here as everyone will get what you are going through.

I have an older sister who is going through similar at the moment also. She lives not far from me either within walking distance more or less. She lives in sheltered accomodation as she has slight learning difficulties. She was diagnosed with bowel cancer ironically two months after Jay passed. Her's was not as extensive as Jay's though and the tumour they found was very small and were able just to take her in and cut it out without the need for chemo or radiotherapy. She has recovered well but just recently they have discovered lesions on her bones so she needs to go for another scan next week so hoping and praying its something and nothing. My best wishes to you going forward. Take Care. 

Vicky 

Hi Marcus. I am so, so sorry for your loss. My wife Laura passed away a little under 2 years ago and we have 2 small boys who were 5 and 3 at her passing. We were married for 5 weeks before the bowel cancer took her from us. 
I know exactly what you mean about daunting tasks, everything from school uniform, bathing, feeding, clothes washing all suddenly became a ‘how am I going to do all this alone ?’ Nightmare that kept me awake nightly which became a vicious circle of being tired when I needed to be strong for our boys and cope. Cope is what you do. It’s instinct and for me I couldn’t ’let Laura down’ so I was determined to make it ok, after all I had to remember they had lost their mum too, it wasn’t just me grieving. I found new routines, new things to do with the boys, we sat and had meals together and chatted about everything and it really helped us all. 
it’s nearly 2 years now and it still hurts. My little one turned 7 this week and those big days are hardest but you get through it. You are there for each other as with the help of friends and family you will cope. You never forget or get over it, you just adapt and you’ll have bad days and better days. I look at my boys sleeping every night and I think ‘they didn’t deserve this’ and I have to make sure every day that follows is the best I can make it be . Here if you ever want a chat.  

Thank you all for your replies, and Timo24, thank you for your story. I can’t imagine have 2 smaller kids without their mum, I am sorry for your loss.

Today has been an ok day, my daughter has been busy getting ready for her first Cubs, overnight camp this weekend so I’ll be alone. I think it’s going to be tough for me but I have a lot of cleaning up and washing to do. Perhaps some tv, but tbh I don’t feel like doing anything that is somewhat enjoyable.

I’m also planning a ‘celebration of life’ for Carla, we were initially going to have it at a neighbours house who has a big garden but she got cold feet when she saw the list of how many people would be there and how many kids. It’s understandable but has thrown a big spanner in my plans. Saying that with the help of local mums and dads we have decided to have an informal gathering in a local park which if the weather holds out should be amazing - so please hold thumbs for sunshine in London on the 14th!

All the neighbours and parents at my daughter’s school have and continue to be very supportive, I think they are in shock at how fast it happened but I am so grateful for my wife for making all of these connections while I was essentially just working.

Having the celebration next week will mean I have some close family over from the Netherlands which will be nice (not sure where I’m going to put them all)

1 day at a time I was told by a few people and I think I understand that now.

Lots of love to you all.

Hi Patty/Vicky, I’m glad you have a dog, I love dogs and they are such good company. We used to have 3 but they all passed over the years. I’ve been thinking a dog would be good for my daughter but I don’t want to be tied down too much. We have a cat who adopted us, and she is desperately missing my wife, but a cat is a little easier to leave alone.

lots of love and I hope your sister is ok ️

I’m so glad today was better for you and your daughter. It will take time but you will get there day by day. This weekend alone will be tough as you said, but remember you need some time to yourself too, to try and rest, plan and grieve. I know what you mean about television, mine is often on in the background just have some noise in the house, especially once the boys are in bed. For me that’s that’s still the hardest part of the day, not sharing the evenings and chatting about the day but I found a ‘distraction’ in learning new things, online courses etc to keep my mind active in the evenings. 
I’m taking the boys abroad on holiday for the first time alone soon and it’s very mixed emotions for me. I don’t want the boys to miss out on things as hard as it will be for me, but that’s what keeps me going. I have photos of Laura all over the house and I still ‘talk to them’. It helps me get through the day and you need to do whatever it takes to help you and your daughter get through each day. 
Like you I was also worried about falling ill and so I made a conscious effort to change my lifestyle. I changed my diet, slept (when I could), exercised and lost some weight. You can’t change some things in life but I was determined not to let myself go and wanted to be there for the boys in as best condition as I could be..  I should add I am 56 , Laura was much younger than me and all the conversations pre family were about how worried I was about starting a family at my age and with my family history, I lost my dad and sister to cancer. I never in a million years thought my younger wife would pass away before me and so soon into our family life. 
My boys as young as they are have been amazing through all of this for me. I also took great comfort in counselling, it was a chance to really open up and say everything on my mind and my fears and concerns. 
The park sounds like a lovely tribute and my fingers are crossed for good weather but come rain or shine, surrounding yourself with family and friends is exactly what you and your daughter need. Dont be too hard on yourself either. I went through so many emotions.. blaming myself, wishing we’d known sooner, things I would have done differently, wishing there were things I hadn’t said or done in years past .. I went through all that but ultimately I realised I can’t change that now, but I can move forward by trying to be the best dad I can to our boys.. some days I do ok, some days I don’t, but that’s ok too.. there’s no rule book for what’s happened..  you just do the best you can and make it up as you go along..  

wishing you all the best. 

Thank you TIMO24, a lot of what you have said makes sense to me. I am 53 in October, and I am overweight so am trying to cut down and and loose some weight. I have had ongoing health issues myself, and have to have blood tests every 6 months for anaemia. ( a ransomeware attack on labs in SE London have meant I haven’t been able to get blood tests in the last month and no expectation on when it will be resolved)

We we’re both 42 when we had our daughter, I had never even considered the impact it would have as my parents were older and my wife Carla was always so fit, she’d never been to the doctor for anything other than pregnancy stuff in the 28years we’ve been together.

My daughter asked me the other night ‘Dad, are you old?’ And I realised she was concerned, but I told her my Father was older than I am now when I was born (he was 55 and died at 95), which seemed to have settled her but internally I do still worry as we don’t have much family in the UK of her generation.

i think it’s great you are going abroad on holiday, something new for you and your boys, hopefully lots of sunshine ️ 

One of Carla’s last wishes was that I take our daughter to Paris and Rome as they were places she always wanted to go to but never did. So I’ll be planning that for next year. This summer is probably too soon and I have a lot of work to do on our house. I might go over to the Netherlands for a week or two and work from my sisters place soo my daughter can be with her cousins more.

Ive just heard my daughter wake up, so ending this. But thanks you again and lots of love to everyone on here ️

Hi,

I lost my wife to Breast Cancer in May aged 52. I now support my daughter on my own. I can relate to your message.