Well, I am sitting here today and just thinking what I was doing this time last year. I just lost my beloved husband Jay the previous evening after his almost 2 year fight with bowel cancer. This weekend marks a full year of his passing. He passed on the evening of the 23rd June 2023 which was a Friday last year but being a leap year this year the days are like two days forward and tomorrow (Sunday) is his official day of passing. This time last year you could say was my first day of trying to comprehend that I was a widow after 40 years with someone by my side and trying to take things in. Yesterday (Friday) would have been our wedding anniversary. He just held on for our last anniversary together last year before passing two days later.
He did beat his cancer at one point and went into remission only for it to cruelly come back for him just months later and decided it wasn't leaving without him a second time. It hardly feels like a year and only seems like yesterday. At times for me it has felt that time has just stood still and there are days that I still can't comprehend that he is gone. He comes to me in dreams which seem so real at times but then I wake up and realise that that was all it was just a dream. I just feel as though I have `gone with the flow` over the last year things I have been wanting to do but just never got round to doing just feeling I've not had any incentive to do so I think. I have just written off this past year as a year for grieving and just trying to find myself and try to adapt to a `new me` after 40 years.
So many things have happened that I wished he were here to share but he's not and that makes me sad. If I saw something I thought he would have had a good laugh at I wouldn't be able to wait to tell him but he's not here for me to do so. We laughed a lot usually at one another's expense and were always on the wind up with one another and taking the p*** out of one another. We loved each other but not the `lovey dovey` `hearts n flowers` way but in our own way and that's how we rolled. He made me laugh too and I miss all that and little things like holding hands walking along the street etc.
My one big regret is that he won't see our little granddaughter go to school next year which he said he wanted to be here for but not going to happen now or see our son and his fiancee finally get married next year. He will see them I know though not in the physical sense and be somewhere around I think to see both happening. It's the silence sometimes that can be deafening though my house is so quiet now without him he was such a big presence in our neighbourhood always speaking to someone or being outside doing something and a voice like a `foghorn`
one of those people you'd hear them before you seen them. All this I miss.
I miss his cooking. Jay loved to cook it was one of his passions. None of your just throwing stuff into the frying pan or into the oven it all had to be prepped beforehand and spices sauces etc added beforehand too and he would cook for an army though it was only the two of us. Christmas dinner was his speciality the kitchen was a no go area on Christmas Day and no one was allowed in bar him. I must say however, on a lighter note, my waistline has seen the benefit of him not being here because my culinary skills are not as great as his was and I just cook for myself now which is not in vast quantaties as Jay did and usually it's just a `meal for one` in the microwave or bowl of soup etc. All the `inbetweens` have gone also like cakes, crips, biscuits etc Jay could be a proper `foodie` and if it was there which it is not now, you would just eat it for the sake of it.
I still have our little dog `Jack` he was Jay's dog a Christmas present from my son and myself 11 years ago. He's a little Border Terrier. He is my reason for getting out of bed in the mornings because he needs to be walked and he has become quite the little companion for me. When Jay was in his final days in hospital I asked permission to bring Jack into the hospital for him to see him and they granted it but just before we arranged to take him in Jay passed away and never got to see him he missed Jack so much all the time he was in hospital.
We had so many things planned for our `twilight years` together. We owned a static caravan in Argyll in Scotland which we went over to just about every weekend and once Jay retired 5 years ago we decided to try to spend as much time there as possible but it was just after he retired that all his illnesses began. He worked for about 50 years with hardly ever taking a sick day off work he more or less `lived to work` retired and then hospitals, GPs clinics, specialists etc became an everyday occurence and he just never got to enjoy his retirement. The caravan was his happy place where we would go and he would head off with his fishing rods etc. He loved fishing and joined the local angling club where we were and enabled him to get permits to fish different rivers. It was a sanctuary for us as well when he was going through his cancer treatment a place to get away from all the hospital visits and clinics etc for a little while. The caravan was berthed right at the riverbank with not a sound around except the sound of the river flowing past and the odd bit of birdsong it was peace and quiet in abundance and was a `suntrap` our decking area round the caravan was fortunate to get the sun for most of the day so on good days you could just sit out and relax with a beer or glass of wine and just listen to nothing. I had to sell it on unfortunately as the upkeep of it was too much for me to take on myself as I have taken over the running of our car we just bought also before he became really ill so just could not afford to keep the two going.
I've made a few small achievements on my own since Jay has gone `man things` as I call them things he used to take care of when he was here. I have managed to get the car through it's MOT I was dreading that because being a woman it is sometimes easier to get ripped off that way but I took it to the garage Jay used and they were pretty straightforward with everything and I didn't get any `flannel` from them. Sold the caravan on my own but my son came with me for me to do that as in his words he said he didn't want to see me get ripped off either. I think I have got through this first year on my own ok and I've got through all the `firsts` without him. Now that I have reached this milestone I hope things will now start to become a little easier for me. Every day I feel it gets just slightly easier but hopefully now I can start to move on a bit more. Thank you if you have read this and for letting me share it with you. My best wishes to you all going forward.
Vicky xx
Bless You Dipsy!
Yes it's the silence at home that gets me. Not hearing his voice anymore. He never actually spoke to you he `shouted` his voice was always so loud even though you would only be sitting next to him and I used to say to him to `bring it down a decibel` but I'd give anything now just hear his voice again. I am someone who fortunately likes their own company but some days it can just be quite overwhelming sometimes no matter how busy or occupied you try to stay there is always that empty feeling. Yes selling the caravan was hard a lot of happy memories there but I just had to be realistic in what was affordable for me on my own. I asked my son if he wanted to take it on and he said no as they have their own commitments they need to see to. It wouldn't be the same place for me now anyway without him there. As I said, now that I have reached this milestone things will get a little bit easier and I can start to move on better now. I'll never forget about him though you don't spend 40 years of your life (44 for you) with someone and then just forget them like that. I will hopefully learn as they say to live with my grief.
Thank you Fifi!
Yes I'm still de-cluttering too. Managed to cut away a section of tree this morning. Neighbours over the fence from us have a huge tree but the branches keep coming over our side so got the lobbers out this morning and attacked it. That would have been one of Jay's jobs and I have been putting it off for long enough and it was begining to really annoy me so as we have a rare dry day here in Glasgow good opportunity to do it. Sweating buckets after it but pleased I got it done didn't realise there was so much work in it and now I know why Jay used to have to have a rest after it
The fence and shed need a coat of paint as well so hopefully if we get that `one day of sunshine` we get in Glasgow- we need to take when we can get it
I'll get into that as well. Managed to clear some trash from the shed as well and took the lot down to recycling so quite pleased that today was quite progressive.
Raised a few wee glasses to him over the weekend and my son William and his fiancee Nicole and Myla my little granddaughter all got me a lovely bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates for what would have been our anniversary. William got mixed up and thought our anniversary was this Friday 28th and had it in his head that's when it was so they're taking me out for dinner this weekend coming too. William can't believe either that it's a year already his dad has gone and you're right it just doesn't feel like it still feels like it happened yesterday the year has gone so quick but for me sometimes it just feels that time has stood still. So many things I wanted to do but just never had the incentive to do so. Hopefully now this milestone has past I can start to look towards the future and things may get slightly easier. Baby steps still just now though and maybe i'll try and start to move `sideways` as you say instead of going forward but it's different for everyone I suppose. Thanks again for your reply much appreciated. Take Care.
Vicky xx
