In ways, I hesitate to post. It the same difficulties, the same painful feelings … granted, I am not alone in my struggles as such. I do not, however, have any local support, no friends, no family. I have never cried so much in my memory. Nonetheless, I am managing; I am coping. I am moderately productive. The mess around here is daunting … so much to sort through, organise, and clean. I start to go through drawers … where do I put all this stuff; how can I organise it. Our house is small with limited storage space. Then beyond that worry, there are so many other things I need to tackle.
Yesterday, for the first time, I walked about a half mile to a nearby woods. I actually took my binoculars with me (and I should have worn my wellie boots too, even though it’s been mostly dry for a number of days). I was in tears when I entered the woods - so quiet, so peaceful. I definitely should make more time to do things like that.
To my surprise, my supposed “friend” texted me, asking how I was doing. I responded 30 minutes later yesterday morning. Absolutely nothing … why bother, not that I wrote extensively. I did, in turn, as about her and her husband. Why text me if she isn’t able to carry on a conversation. It seems to me that historically the conversations are usually one-sided. She does, however, have lots of family, other friends, lots of responsibilities around house and garden. I cannot expect others to be something they aren’t, to say what I need to hear. If that is all she can manage at this time, then so be it. I do, however, find it disappointing.
Oh well, I need to carry on … keep busy, get distracted.
Hi WildBird
I'm very sorry to read of your current difficulties. Everything must seem daunting and overwhelming. I'm also sorry to read that you don't have much support. The episode with your friend may have increased your feelings of isolation.
The house sorting sounds as though it is necessary but painful to do. It may be worth making a plan and tackling it room by room, with piles for recycle/bin, donate, keep. Have you watched 'Sort your life out' on TV, this will help with your motivation. Bear in mind though that it may be too early or too upsetting for you to have major scale clear outs at the moment. Tidying may be all that's required at this point. It may be distracting you but I've found and experienced myself, that if grief is not experienced fully, it just resurfaces further down the line. Have you thought about grief counselling, your GP may be able to help with this. Or do you have a Maggie's centre near you? They do courses and support groups which may help. There is also the Macmillan helpline, they are very helpful if you need advice or just a chat. This is the link to contact https://www.macmillan.org.uk/about-us/contact-us
The walk in the woods sounds lovely. Walking helps me and keeps me sane. I have incurable cancer myself and on bad days feel that I am just waiting for it to recur. I try to walk 3 times per week but have just finished a challenge so I'm taking it easy to recover.
I hope that I've given you some ideas for ways in which you can self help and self care but it is all baby steps that you need to take. Look after yourself.
A x
I am a Macmillan volunteer.
Macmillan Support Helpline
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Hiya,
Despite your pain, it’s good that you got out for a while, even without your wellies! Sometimes that bit of solitude in a familiar place is just what you need. I wish I could say something meaningful to you, but life is crap, as we all know.
True friends show themselves at times like this, I’m amazed at how some people have reacted to my situation, and not always in a good way. My wife was my best friend, and like you, we did so much together that I miss dearly. I’m now finding that travelling alone to be with my thoughts, and memories is the way forward for me…..I want to feel like she’s with me everywhere I go.
Tried going away to my wife’s favourite camp site on Saturday, should have been for 4 nights, I lasted one then came home. I did however manage to scatter a small amount of ashes as that was one of the three places she asked me to do so, but being there without her was just too much. I’m away this weekend coming to start my North Coast 500 adventure, I’m hoping I’ll feel differently as we’ve never done that, although it was on her bucket list……it’s going to take a fair few years to work my way through it!!
Anyway, must sign off for now, got lots of trip planning to do. I’m terrified of the future, absolutely terrified, so it’s one day at a time and see what happens.
Much love to you 
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Neofire! Thank you for your kind words. I find it so helpful to hear from you. My heart aches for you and with you. I hear and understand your words and your struggles. Just yesterday was my husband’s funeral. What an emotional time, though it was very simple, short, and sweet. Perfect, the way he wanted it to be. When the pallbearers lowered his coffin into the grave, a European Robin started singing. Also at the very end, when it was my turn to return to the grave to say my final goodbye (after his sons had their time), a European Robin led me down the path to his grave.
In a way, I felt a bit calmer after the funeral; however, last night I just fell apart again. I cannot sleep, and I cry a lot. I feel so lost and empty, not sure what I’ll do or how I’ll cope. Yes, I know, take things slowly, step at a time. I will get out as much as possible for walks and birding and nature … though it is so difficult not having him with me.
Like you, you planned four day at that site and managed one night. I have found that I go out birding someplace, and I don’t last all that long without him.
Unknown future, lots to figure out, need to see how I am going to manage in so many basic ways.
Thanks for writing! 
