Saying hello

Hello

I am very sorry to read your post today. I so well understand how you will be feeling, as we all do here. You have made a big step in just this. Reaching out and hoping there are answers to the pain and loss you are now experiencing. It leaves a big hole that takes time to heal. There is no time limit either, as everyone is different on this horrible path we are now treading. Just think of small baby steps, one thing at a time. No rush if you don't feel like it either. Do you have family and or support ? I hope so. My first days, months after my Barry died were just in a cloud. If I hadn't had a practical friend who came regularly to do paperwork and make sure I had food, I don't know what I would have done ? This asking for help isn't easy either, and I am still finding it nearly two years later. The waves come, but they do go back too. We are here for you, just ask. Take care of yourself for you as well as for your loved one.

Hugs are there.

Hi

It will be 11 weeks for me on Thursday and I miss Dave more everyday.  At first I thought I was coping OK and I did all the things that needed doing - I really think now that I was numb but didn't realise it.  Now I find the tears come unexpectedly for a minute or two then go away again - only to come back later.

It is OK that you feel lost - so do I.  It's OK to feel whatever you feel sad, angry, tired, frustrated, anything - oh and its also OK to feel happy now and again - it doesn't mean you are forgetting him.  I writing this for you but also to remind myself.

The people on here are very helpful and understanding so it's ok to keep in touch and post when you can.

Clancy

Hello!

I would say good to see you here but this is somewhere none of us want to be but we are all here for one another as we go through this and can relate to what each other are going through. I am almost 9 months in from losing my husband Jay. He passed last June from bowel cancer plus he had numerous bouts of sepsis contend with so it was either that or a combination of both that took him. In the end though I think his body gave up after enduring just about everything that they could throw at him to treat this. We were together for 40 years and just to suddenly lose your life partner after that time really is a shock to the system. He was my rock, best friend, soulmate all those. I think what was worse that he was in remission after getting his tumour cut out but within 5 months it had come back. Yes it won't feel real still feels unreal for me after 9 months. Lots of things have happened that I've wanted to share with him since and he's not here for me to do that. It's little things like that. Something will happen and I say to myself `I wish Jay was here to see this`. I have what I call my `stuck weeks` some weeks I just feel I don't want to go anywhere, do anything or see anyone. Some days I just wonder what I am getting out of bed for but I have a little dog who needs walked so it's for him I have to get up but some days I can just sit for hours and not do anything and then become angry with myself because I know there are things I could be doing around the house but just don't have the incentive to do them at the time. Please keep coming on here it will help you and try to get some sort of Bereavement counselling if you feel you need. There are contact numbers here that you can use to find out about that. I have had some counselling from different sources and it does help and lets you know that what you are going through is normal. Take Care and my best wishes to you going through this. 

Vicky x

Thanks FIfinet

it does feel like a cloud, I call it Groundhog Day, no matter what I do, I wake  I go to sleep I wake the next day, it's always the same. He's gone.

people ask how I am and each time I walk away from the conversation, I am walking away with the same knowledge, that he won't come back and I cannot get my head around that. 

my son lives near me, he's just left, came round and had tea with me. 
I appreciate him being there for me but I encourage him to do this journey his way too. 

im not sure about that Voltaire guy, I don't feel right now that I want to be happy without my hubby

thanks for reaching out x

Hi Clancy

So we lost at the same time. 
my Jon died the Sunday before your Dave. It was a rough Christmas and New Year wasn't it

I resonate with your description of grief. I call it pushy grief, forces its way into the limelight when it's ready then slopes off again after kicking the crap out of me.

its funny you mention the forgetting him bit. Just this Week I have felt myself pulling back and wanting to be a bit more alone so that I can think about Jon more

I miss him so, he was such a good man.

im sorry you're going through this too 

Thanks Vicky

You know what, I'm actually a therapist for my day job, and a bereavement counsellor too, but none of the expertise that I have is if any use to me whatsoever.

sure I know psychologically what is happening but it means nothing in the grand scheme of my experience, I am just lost without him rattling around in this house with my two dogs and nothing makes sense anymore.

What a wonderfully long time you shared together. It's funny you know, I had just 5 years and 2 months of marriage and while I know we had a short time together in comparison it felt like I had loved him my whole lifetime.

I'm sorry that you lost your rock. I imagine the world is is a wobbly place without him. X

Hey Quietdude!

Well you more than anyone will know in a way how everyone feels here but as you say, you give out advice but it will be so much different to try to take it yourself. Yes I agree you do feel lost and it does certainly feel like `groundhog day` some days. Everyone I think experienced `groundhog day` in the midst of covid but when something like this happens it feels like that all over again. I sometimes forget he is gone too and then it hits like a wave that he actually is. I have a son who lives not far from me too with his partner and their little girl so I have a little granddaughter to keep me going. They both work shifts and sometimes they clash so I am `called upon` for granny duties. I don't mind she is 3 years old and a little ray of sunshine. She is at the interactive stage now and curious of what is going on around her. She looked at a photo I have of Jay and our son William on my wall and will say `that's my daddy and my papa` and the other week she asked where her papa was and so to try and go a roundabout way of explaining to her I said that he was very sick and couldn't get better so the angels came to take him to live up in the sky with them. She then says `but granny I can't see him in the sky` and I said I know darling but he can see you so you have to be a good girl. Then she said `ok granny` and I think that was the end of it. I could feel the tears pricking my eyes but was determined not to break down in front of the wee one. I said to William when he came back for her and he said she asks them too and they tell her that he is the `shiniest star in the sky` 

I need a good cry it's something I haven't been able to do properly so I feel although I've had counselling there is still a lot of grief waiting to come out. I just can't cry for him and no amount of sad songs or something on the TV will bring it on. I did plenty when he was ill thought I'd never stop but just now when I want it to come out it won't. 

I went through a 2nd bowel cancer diagnosis with my sister just two months after Jay passed. Ironically the surgical team looking after her were the ones that attended to Jay too. When his surgeon saw me come in with my sister at one of her consultations she joked `you just can't keep away from here can you?` and then she gave me a big hug because she knew about Jay and she was the one who had to break it to him his cancer had come back after being in remission for 5 months.

My sister in contrast to Jay is fine though she is making a full recovery and gets stronger everyday so it's been a bit `bittersweet`  for me. My sister has mild learning and mental health difficulties too so relies on me for a lot of things. She lives independently though and lives within walking distance from me in sheltered accommodation. She can be independent to an extent, but there are things she needs me for like things in authority etc because she can't handle those by herself. I just keep hoping things will improve for me as time goes on and for everyone else here too. Take Care.

xx

Thank you for sharing Patty K

its lovely that you have people who continue to speak about your husband. 

I feel like everyone has just gone back to normal now and I'm left here with this reality that is far from. 
People stop checking in so quickly. 
it's been 12 weeks tomorrow, I hate Sundays the day the weekly tally increases but it's like 12 weeks so we don't need to call and ask how you are anymore and it's not so much the calling but it that when people call it gives me a space to talk about Jon, but I think people don't want to be around sad feelings or to talk about someone who has died, it seems they've all moved on.

I move on, Jon was the live of my life, I waited til My late 40s to fIBS him and we only got 5years together 

he was such a good man and he's left a huge hole behind.

I'm sorry I feel like I'm just going on and on

Hello again 

Just checking in with you ! I hate Sundays too and so I try to do something to stop me moping about. I am going today with a friend to a theatre piece depicting Women's Day.

I know so well about people not calling round or even phoning. After a certain time people, or some of them, just think you are okay now. Well we aren't. I have been surprised when some I thought would be close, backed off. I was hurt, so I backed off too. People don't know what to say, so they just stop coming round ? Try not to be bitter. It's not their fault. I have a few good friends and know who I can count on. Often I just want and need to be alone. For instance, I' ve had a few health issues to go to different doctors, nothing serious but brought on by grief I think, a facial rash which I've had for several months. I decided I needed a break . Just to go to the local Cafe to eat a pizza ! I wanted to be alone and just people watch . I live in a small French village where I know everyone, so even though I ate alone, I was surrounded by people and it was quite comfortable. Some chats with the locals, and I came back of course to the empty house. I leave a light on, and sometimes the radio. I have my little cat Missy, who was waiting. She has been my constant understanding companion for a few years now.

Sorry starting to ramble on..... Keep going, keep strong, and hold tight.

Hugs to you.

Hi Ladies!

And Happy Mother's Day to you both- if it is Mother's Day in France Fifi. It is also my son's birthday today. William is 31 today but he will forever be my wee boy even though he has grown into an intelligent (well that's debatable) and handsome (got to say that because I'm his mum) young man. No in all seriousness he has become a smart young man and done his dad and I proud getting a good job and having his own house and wee family. This is his first birthday without his dad here but `hey ho` that's the way life goes`. Please don't think you are coming on here to `ramble` that's what these forums are for. Yes I get the people stop calling/coming round thing sometimes you just feel `invisible` one of my neighbours asked me the other day when I was out with the dog how I was he's a lovely chap and always stops for a chat if he sees you. They say they know how hard it must be for you, but do they really? Yes coming back home to an empty house is another thing although I have the dog who gives me a huge welcome when I've been out and come back home- you'd think I'd been gone for months the way he reacts. I leave the TV on when I go out if I know I'm only going to be out for a short time. Jack (the dog) used to have seperation anxiety so on the advice of vets etc we would leave something on be it the TV or radio but I leave the TV on. He likes `Alvin and The Chipmunks` on kids TV. Yeah Fifi I sometimes find it good just to have my own company as well. I still have my sister who lives not far from me within walking distance. Sometimes she will come along and stay over a few nights and then I send her home. We are company for each other if nothing else. It's just the adjusting to things I think from always being out somewhere and doing something when Jay was here- even something silly like going a run down to a service station for a cup of coffee and back home again. To more or less doing nothing and hardly going anywhere. We used to do these spur of the moment things like that Jay would say `fancy going out for a coffee`? and I'd say ok and we'd end up going on a road trip to some random service station somewhere then just come back home. I miss all those our occasional meals out we'd go out to dinner once in a while but that's all gone too. I think it's just this first year without him and many have told me it's an adjustment time and that you do learn to move forward. I do hope so. Take Care Ladies.

Vicky xx