Loss of spouse and advice

The permanence...that is so tough to acknowledge isn't it? Still not sure I've accepted that even though I know it's very real. I hope you can find some comfort, the last images still haunt me 16 months on. I'm sorry for your loss. Sending strength.

Hi,

Sorry to hear your loss and others. 

I lost my beloved one last September. 

We had dispute which I deeply regret. 

We both thought we didn't need each other any more.

I should have coped well as I was not a patient,  but I didn’t which I hated myself all the time. I feel guilty. 

Then my partner’s friends got involved i was forced to leave our home.

Since then I never saw my partner,  I was not allowed to contact my partner, not informed my partner in hospital,  passing,  funeral. 

When I eventually found contact of my partner's family,  they already spoke to friend of my partner,  so family told me not to contact them again. So far I don't know where my partner's remains are.

I was left alone, with no home, no family,  few friends. 

I know my partner would never ever hurt me , in fact always protects me, guides me. My partner is the only person I can trust in the UK.

I blame myself everyday. I don't know the purpose of my life now. 

Hello Cynthiona!

I can only echo what everyone else here is saying. I lost my husband back in June (2023) the last 6 months I have just been in limbo not knowing what to do how or where to be etc. We were best friends and soulmates for 40 years and each other's `rock`. He had what we were told been carrying his bowel tumour around with him for 4 years without knowing before being officially diagnosed in July 2021. He was told that at the time it was treatable because it hadn't spread but just needed shrinking slightly in prep for surgery which would happen in January 2022. We were positive and looked to the future together and continued to make plans etc. He went in got the tumour cut out and as far as they were concerned they had got it all and he was expected to make a good recovery. At his post op appointment in February 2022 with his oncologist I asked should he not have some kind of post op chemo or radiotherapy as a precaution and he said no because it had all gone it wasn't necessary and if it wasn't necessary they didn't do it. He saw his surgeon in May 2022 for a follow up appointment and she took some blood tests. Three weeks later he got a letter to say his CEA levels had risen and they wanted him to go for another CT scan which then confirmed the cancer was back so that was more or less in the space of 5 months. I was very angry that I feel something could have been done when I asked but it was refused and at the end of the day at the time, you are saying well, they are the experts, so must be right but sometimes maybe that is not always the case. So then he was put back on chemotherapy but it wasn't working so it was stopped for a month or so and then he was put on a new chemo regime but it eventually had to be withdrawn because it caused him to have kidney damage and after that he was more or less on borrowed time. After that it was a succession of hospital admissions because he developed continuous bouts of sepsis. When he took his 3rd bout they thought that would take him but he miraculously pulled through. I was advised then to be prepared to get the family together but it never came to that fortunately. Then on 1st June last year he took really ill again and he was taken in again but this time he needed to be stretchered out into the ambulance because his blood pressure was dangerously low and the paramedics were concerned they try to sit him upright and move him in a chair, he could pass out. So my last image of him leaving this house never to return, was to be stretchered out by 4 paramedics- that was my last image of him leaving this house. I think his body just gave up between the sepsis and the advancing cancer and he finally passed on the evening of the 23rd June. He retired in 2019 and since then it had been a daily occurrence of hospitals, doctors, clinics etc. He worked 50 odd years solid and hardly had a sick day in his life or been in a GP surgery or hospital for anything. If he was in hospital it would have only been to A & E for maybe a work related injury. It's just so cruel we had so many plans for his retirement and now all that has gone. I am just now learning to navigate life on my own. I feel I need to try to force myself to do things just to keep busy. I get the morning thing. I still wake up everyday and still finding it hard to believe he is gone makes it worse with the mornings being so dark just now. I know things will get better, well it's what I've been told I do hope so and I wish you well moving forward. Take Care.

xx

Oh PattyK!  How I empathise with you!  Tony exactly the same, rarely anything wrong except for very mild asthma and he was the last person you would have thought would develop cancer!!! not in his family either!!  i think he must have had this bladder cancer for a while before diagnosis because it was a very large tumour! We were told it was aggressive (although no spread at start) and not curable but it didnt strike us it terminal! Now feeling guilty we didnt realise it earlier and I could have spent more time with him! Tony also thought it stabilised and even now I dont know if he knew his time limited!  we still reeling from aggressiveness and speed of it all!  But as a Christian family someone pointed out something to me that I take comfort from “Even though I walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death thou art with me”!! in other words we WILL emerge eventually - try and take comfort from this!  sending love xx

Thank You!

xx

I wasn't given any chances to say goodbye to my beloved partner before,  during,  and after. I carry the guilt with me all time. I love and miss partner. 

Hello

Just a note to ask how you are doing ? I read your posts and felt sad reading them. I understand what you are feeling and here you will find many others who are in the very same situation. Thank goodness we have this support and non judgemental forum to pour out our woes.

I am 18 months now down the line and every day is a new one. Not all good but not all bad either. I was so busy the first year with all the administration and in a foreign country, it slipped away quickly. A new year but also a shift I feel.

Christmas was pretty awful but I got through it. This is what I wanted to say. You will get through it or as I say "going sideways " with our loved one because they will always be with you. You won't or wouldn't want to forget al the good times.Don't get eaten away by feeling guilty. It is done and you can't change that.

Everything takes time I have learnt. We must carry on and just getting up and doing that is brave and wonderful.

Take care of yourself

Hugs are there

Dear Fifinet,

Thank you for your care to me.

Really appreciated. 

I spent Xmas and new year alone.

Went church almost every day. 

I didn’t care for my partner well.

I didn't understand my partner well 

I am scared to think goodbdays and bad days as I easily get emotional. 

But I can't control my mind. Most of the time I was affected by outside things which reminds me of my partner. 

I know I couldn’t change time, I still don’t where my partner is rest. 

I don't deserve to be a victim.  I am not but my beloved one. 

I forgive people who did and do treat me bad between me and my partner. 

I miss my partner so much every day. 

I don't know how to go back to my mum dad outside uk. 

I don't have the travel document as I used to have . I took this as one of my punishment. 

I don't have hope for life as I have had everything I wanted. 

I couldn't find the reason to be normal daily.  

Thank you again.

J